A Very Naruto Christmas
by daniel-gudman
Summary: Honestly this is probably even more ridiculous than what you're imagining.
1. 2008

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2008)**

**EPISODE I**

I I I

Wintertime in Konohagakure; snow drifts slowly to the ground, ninja and civilians alike scurrying around, preparing for the big day tomorrow, Christmas.

And one team of ninjas, meeting one last time before the holiday.

I I I

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Neji said after an incredulous pause.

"WHAT!" Gai roared. "How unyouthful! To think that my own students wouldn't believe in the Ultimate Ninja!"

"Yosh!" Lee agreed. "Neji, my youthful rival, he is indeed the strongest ninja in existence!"

"Perception that exceeds any doujutusu!" Roared Gai, striking a pose. "Giving him the capacity to understand the youthfulness of all the youths in the world!"

"Speed!" Roared Lee, striking the mirror image of Gai's pose. "Such incredible speed that he can visit every house in the world in under 24 hours!"

"Indeed!" Roared Gai, as waves crashed against the mountain background that spontaneously sprung up behind them. "Santa Claus is the greatest of all ninjas!"

Neji and Tenten exchanged looks. "Um," Tenten said, "I've known Santa wasn't real ever since I caught dad sneaking down the stairs. I was like, six."

"Ha ha ha!" Gai laughed. "The impetuousness of Youth!"

Neji was less kind. "Gai-sensei." He began, "that a full-grown man can believe in Santa Claus… that's ridiculous."

"I can also make turtles appear out of thin air." Gai pointed out. "And you have X-ray vision. We are in no position to judge people nonexistent based on the absurdity of their powers!"

I I I

And, indeed, child, should you head far, far to the north, farther north than the Stone or Cloud countries, farther north than even the northernmost tip of the Snow country, there in the icy wasteland you would find a secret city, populated by a Bloodline clan called the Elves.

The Village Hidden in the North Pole.

From his rubber snow-sandals to his fur-lined red jumpsuit, his jounin vest with a broad leather belt, up past his jolly beard and twinking eyes, to the tip of the sock-like hat with the forehead protector emblazoned with a candy cane, Santa Claus is very, terribly real.

This man, the Toy Shadow of the North Pole Village, is currently locked in meditation within a cavern, contemplating the busy night ahead of him.

With a swirl of tinsel and snow, an elf appears before him with Shunshin, crouched at the feet of his master. "Santa-sama."

"Speak, Pepper Minstix." The Red One intoned.

"Yes, Master." The elf, Pepper spoke. "Alabaster Snowball summons you to the Chamber of Judgment."

"I see." Santa Claus said, standing up. "There is some dispute?"

"I know not, Master." Pepper replied.

"Then, let us find out!" Santa said, and he disappeared with a wink and flash.

And he reappeared instantly in the Chamber of Judgment, deep in his icy fortress.

Sitting in the lotus position on a great iron platform, forming the handseal of the snowman and lit from the eerie glow of the seals on the walls, is Alabastor Snowball, administrator and adjudicator of the List. It is he who uses powerful kinjutusu to determine who goes on the Scroll of Nice Children and who are condemned to the Scroll of Naughty Children.

"You required me, Alabastor?"

"Yes, Master." The wizened old elf responded, frowning from beneath his gray mustache. "This year, there have been a number of fortuitous movements."

Santa parsed this and smiled kindly. "Then… there are children who have forsworn the dark path of Naughtiness and are once again Nice?"

"It is as you say, Master." Alabastor responded. "Most shocking is… Sabaku no Gaara."

"…What?" Santa said. "This is the same kid who defined his existence by murdering other people in the name of the demon sealed in him, right?"

"It is indeed he, Master." Alabastor nodded. "However, my secret jutsu have never been defeated by any means, and his reform is to complete to be false. Gaara is actually a Nice Child this year."

"That is excellent news." Santa said. "However, I am led to think this is not the only such reform you have to reveal unto me tonight."

"Indeed it is as you perceive, Master." Alabastor spoke. "Of the Wave, the little boy Inari. Of the Leaf, both Sarutobi Konohamaru and Hyuuga Neji." Alabastor paused, gathering himself. "That last was unexpected, master, so firm is his path set. And… this surprising series of shifts has been traced to a single source, Master."

"I find the hard to believe, but if you see it to be so it must be true, Alabastor." Santa replied.

"Indeed!" Alabastor said, smiling. "They were all brought to Niceness by one who has reformed himself and become a genuine and excellent Nice Child… Uzumaki Naruto."

"That twit!" Santa roared. "Wunorse Openslae has sworn vengeance on that insufferable little child for painting my sleigh orange, and I myself have no love lost for his antics."

"I am as aware of it as you, Master." Alabastor said, shrugging. "Nevertheless, he has had a tremendously Nice impact. This child is pure Nice, whatever he may have been." Alabastor licked his lips. "Indeed, he is even… the Nicest Child of the Year."

"You know what you say, don't you, Alabastor." Santa said heavily. "Very well. The desire of the Nicest Child shall be absolutely met, no matter what. This is of our contract and Law, and so shall it be!"

"That is the reason I have summoned you, Master." Alabastor said. "You see… he did not write you a letter this year." He paused. "He has been consumed with his Niceness and disregarded all thoughts of himself."

"Then… we must grant his wish as expressed last year." Santa said.

"Yes, Master, well…" Alabastor hesitated, and then released the Snowman seal for a moment, halting the transcription of the Lists, that he might snap his fingers; and in so doing a letter was summoned in a sparkle of tinsel.

He resumed his seal and Santa put on his halfmoon glasses, reading the letter under his breath. Afterwards, he paused, frowning. "He asked for somebody to be his friend." He looked up at Alabastor. "Has he called someone friend since then?"

Alabastor winced. "Yes, Master, and that person stabbed him in the chest with an assassination jutsu not five minutes later." Rather unnecessarily, he added, "So now he's on the Naughty List."

"Huh." Santa said, looking back at the letter. "The Nicest Child of the Year must receive their desire. This is from our Law. But…" he frowned. "The Toy Genesis Engine is powerful indeed, but even the direct magic of its creator Bushy Evergreen cannot manufacture life. That is very Naughty kinjutsu."

"You must determine something on your own, Master, that our Law might be kept." Alabastor replied. "Oh, also, there's the issue of another child, named… Tenten."

"And what of him?" Santa said.

"…Her, master." Alabastor gently corrected. "You see… she cannot be placed on either the Naughty or the Nice List. She hadn't enough screen time for my jutsu to decide."

Santa frowned. "Then, the Law is that her desire shall be granted in some kind of Monkey's Paw-esque fashion." Considering, he said further, "What was her wish, anyway?"

Alabator summoned another letter, and held it out to Santa.

Santa read it, frowning, and then chuckled. "I just might be able to work something out!"

I I I

Night falls, and not a creature stirs. Except patrols of ANBU, who are charged with protecting the village of Konoha on even a night such as this. Especially a night such as this.

But no matter how skilled the eye, it cannot pierce the skill of the God of Ninja, Santa Claus, as he flashes between houses and sneaks inside, effortlessly defeating all tricks and traps.

He sneaks into the Hyuuga Manor, knocking the guards unconscious from behind with his secret techniques and penetrating into the core of their house, where their tree is kept. He stands before it, pleased by the offering of milk and cookies, and unfurls his great scroll, in which is sealed all of the presents for all the Good Little Boys and Good Little Girls.

He deposits the gifts for the Hyuuga children, wrapped in their special lead-lined wrapping paper, and disappears in a flash, only a swirl of tinsel marking his escape.

He appears on the roof, and hides as a patrol of ANBU pass, and continues on his merry way, to the apartment district of Konoha.

I I I

Lee has no doubts that his sensei was speaking the truth. Santa Claus is real. Believing in this, he has resolved to stay up all night that he might meet the greatest ninja for himself.

Therefore, Lee has disguised himself, standing behind the tree, wrapped in Christmas lights, ornaments hanging from his green jumpsuit. He flinches when Santa appears in a flash, and only when the man unseals a simply huge box does he reveal himself.

"Santa!" Lee roars, leaping foreword.

"Holy shit!" The Man in Red responds, instinctively back fisting the boy through a wall. "Oh man, are you alright Lee?" For Santa knows all children by name.

"Yosh!" Lee roars, pulling himself back out of the wall. "I am unharmed by your youthful power!" Lee poses, eyes blazing. "Truly, it ignites my heart to know that Santa Claus is a master of taijutsu!"

Santa's smile is still as jolly as ever, although the twinkle seems to have gone out of his eyes. "Yes, that's nice, but I have to get back to work. Presents, every house in the world and all that."

"Youth!" Lee roared. "I'm moved by this incredible self-challenge, greater than one even Gai could achieve!" He darted forward and somehow had Santa's hand grasped between his. "Old Saint Nick! Let me train myself by helping you!"

"How about… no?" Santa said, and in a wink and a flash he is gone.

"Yosh!" Lee said, totally undeterred. "I accept your challenge!"

I I I

It is not through speed alone that Santa Claus can visit every house in the world in one night. Indeed, he possesses an incredible jutsu that allows him to exist simultaneously in multiple places at once.

It is with this jutsu that he is also capable of visiting a certain cave, deep in the heart of the Waterfall country, within which is a certain statue and nine certain missing-nin, all in cloaks of black and red.

Santa appears even hear, passing through their overly complicated barrier jutsu with ease. He comes up to the tree and unfurls his scroll, and in a poof of smoke a single box appears, and places it beneath the poorly decorated tree shunted off in a corner of the cave.

"Santa really came!" A voice cries behind him, and Santa's back stiffens. He turns, and makes eye contact with the man in the orange swirly mask.

"I tell them and tell them, but do they believe me? No!" The man said, crossing his arms and pouting. "But now… now there's PROOF!" The man hugs himself. "Tobi really is a good boy!"

Santa groans, and closes his eyes while pinching the bridge of his nose. "Tobi… this present… it's for half of Zetsu." Santa paused. "Because he split himself into a Nice half and a Naughty half, they are distinct beings, so one was Nice this year."

"Then…" Tobi whispers, "Santa… didn't get Tobi a present?"

"No." Santa said, heavily. "I'm sorry, Tobi, but… but you didn't make it."

"Then… Tobi..." and he couldn't finish it.

"No, I'm afraid not." Santa said, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Tobi isn't a good boy."

I I I

Lee is not the sneakiest ninja in the village, but he can be stealthy when needs be. But more than anything else, keeping up with Santa Claus on Christmas Eve requires speed.

And Lee has speed.

So when Santa disappears into the house of his friend and teammate Tenten, Lee follows, excited that he can help Santa.

"Santa!" Lee roars. "The Green Beast of Konoha springs to your aid, that…" Lee pauses, taking in the horrible sight before him. "Santa… what is this?"

Santa, holding an unconscious Tenten in a joint pin with a chloroform-soaked rag still pressed to her face, looks up at the jumpsuit-clad ninja in front of him. He drops the rag like a hot potato.

"It's… it's not what it looks like!" Santa protests.

"Then you aren't kidnapping my teammate Tenten in the middle of the night?" Lee growls.

"No!" Santa protests. "Well, yes, but it's okay because it's for the spirit of Christmas, and—"

"Omote Renge!" Lee roars, interrupting the man.

I I I

Elsewhere, the leader of Akatsuki is interrupted from his sleep by the loudest, most infernal screeching he has ever heard. It is the most grating sensation he has ever felt.

"What on Earth is going on?" He shouts, storming into the living room of their cave, where they keep the big statue.

Incredibly, it is Itachi who looks up from patting Tobi on the back. The masked man is sitting on the floor, legs out, the backs of his fists pressed against his mask, and then he breathes in and starts making that god-awful noise again.

The Pein realizes that he's crying. Tobi is crying his eyes out.

Itachi speaks. "It seems Santa didn't bring him a present." Then he goes back to rubbing Tobi on the back. Incredibly, it seems to be working.

Pein can't help but glance under the tree. There is a present under it, and the Rinnengan allows him to see that it has Zetsu's name on it.

Pein frowns, and sticks his head back in his room. "Honey?" He asks.

"He's not my kid at three AM." Konan growls back, half-asleep.

Meekly, The Pein closes the door and frowns back at the scene in front of him. Kisame is now standing next to Itachi, although he looks mostly asleep still. Pein speaks. "Somebody snuck in here."

"Yes." Itachi said. "Santa Claus."

"And nobody else is bothered that he got in here?" Pein roars.

"It's Santa Claus." Itachi said, as if he was explaining something to a slow child. "His capacity exceeds even my own."

"I'm the only one that gets godlike powers around here!" Pein roars, and the pressure of his chakra makes the assembled Akatsuki flinch.

He storms out of the cave after Santa Claus.

Finally, Kisame speaks. "Wanna go watch Kris Kringle kick the shit out of the Leader?"

"…Yeah." Itachi responds.

I I I

A nighttime of carousing: the fine Christmas Eve tradition of Konoha jounin. However, Kakashi's Yuletide revelry is interrupted halfway through Asuma's "hey guys look what I can do" by a hand coming down on his shoulder.

"Gai?" He asks, looking up at his friend and self-proclaimed rival. "Is something wrong."

"Yes, my rival." Gai says solemnly. "I sense a disturbance." He closes his eyes, frowning.

Kakashi is in the middle of delicately picking the arm of his shoulder when Gai's eyes snap open and the man shouts. "LEE!"

"What about him?" Kakashi says.

"My cute student is in terrible danger!" He roars, shooting off and dragging Kakashi along like a sack of potatos.

"How can you tell?" Kakashi says, surrendering himself to being dragged along.

"I can sense it through our bond as Master and Padawan!" Gai shouts. "But that's not important… look Kakashi!"

Kakashi looks, and even when he uncovers the sharingan he can't believe it.

I I I

Even with a scroll under one arm and a girl over the other shoulder, Santa Claus easily blocks the rising attacks of Lee's Lotus with his feet. However, eventually the persistent genius of hard work finds an opening and Santa is wrapped up tighter than a Christmas present jammed in a stocking over the mantelpiece.

But he substitutes himself with a snowman before Lee slams him into the ground, and Santa scowls down at the genin from atop his sleigh. He drops both scroll and Tenten inside, and cracks his knuckles.

"Just walk away, child." Santa warns. "You cannot hope to defeat my Yuletide Chakra."

Lee roars, and advances, whirling around to unleash a spinning kick.

Santa blocks it with one arm. "Hmnf." He snorts. "Not enough!" With that, the jolly old man grabs Lee by the leg driving a powerful fist into his gut, and then swings him around, jumping up and spinning, releasing him to slam into the ground.

But he is caught before he can crash into the ground. "Gai-sensei?" Lee whispers, looking up at his tutor. "He has Tenten!"

"Rest now, my cute apprentice." Gai says, gently setting his student down without breaking his gaze on the man in red. "Kakashi."

"Yeah." Kakashi says, sharingan spiraling as he looks up at the man across from them.

"Follow my lead!" Gai roars, jumping to the attack.

I I I

"You!" Pein of Human shouts.

Santa pauses, and turns, standing on the roof of an apartment building in the Rain country.

"I am the only god allowed here." Pein of Heaven announces.

"It is not me they worship," Santa rebuts, "But rather the Christmas spirit of giving."

Pein of Beasts responds by charging Santa from behind.

"Tch." Santa says, dodging the attack and striking Pein of Beasts eight times in the back before leaping clear, and the Pein of Beasts rejoins the others.

"You will not defeat us here." Pein of Heaven says. "This is the word of god."

"Can't your eyes already see that you've died once?" Santa says, his smile not jolly at all.

"Gah!" Pein of Beasts roars, dropping to its knees, before the skull and ribcage explodes out of its body.

The Rinnengan widen as it takes in the sight.

"That was…" Pein of Human begins.

"Yes." Santa says. "A legendary forbidden taijutsu style, Polaris Kung-Fu." Santa drops into a fighting stance, fingers bent like claws. "But… you would know it as Fist of the North Star."

I I I

Santa's eyes narrow as Gai closes, a spinning kick that rolls of his guard and follows into a series of lighting fast punches. In terms of combat speed, this man is my equal, Santa grimly thinks. And the other… Santa glances to the man watching with the sharingan, and allows Gai to knock him away with a blow.

But even as Gai follows, Santa uses the opening to flash through a series of handseals. "Kuchiose no jutsu!" Santa spins, slamming his hands on a rooftop. "Blitzen; Comet!"

Gai halts, and barely blocks as the first of the Reindeer Clan streaks towards him.

"Can you keep up with my fastest Reindeer?" Santa shouts, pressing Gai.

Kakashi charges in, but halts as a Reindeer slams into the ground in front of him.

"I will be your opponent." Comet intones with his gravelly voice, before dropping slightly and charging.

'Fast!' Kakashi thinks, barely managing to get out of the way. 'That kind of terrible charging speed combined with those antlers… one hit and I'm finished!'

Comet stops, and grins over his shoulder, bucking and coming around for another pass.

'No other choice!' Kakashi grimly decides, hands flickering through seals as he also charges. "Chidori!" He shouts, thrusting forward with the Thousand Bird Current.

Sparks dance between Comet's antlers, and Kakashi's eyes widen, but he is too late to do anything but keep going.

I I I

Gai frowns, blocking the high speed combo of Blitzen and Santa. When one attacks, the other covers; and then they switch, attacking to cover openings left by the other.

The huge flash from the clash of lightning jutsu between Comet and Kakashi decides him. "To think I'd have to use this so quickly…" Gai mutters, leaping clear before clapping his hands together.

"Wait!" Santa says, holding back Blitzen. "He's doing something..."

And then Gai lept, fire burning in his palms. "Asa Kujaku!" The Jounin of the Leaf shouted, and he rained fire down on the pair.

I I I

"Powerful indeed." Pein of Humans mutters. "But, you are still no match for god."

Pein of Hungry Ghosts crouches, and in a flicker of handseals summons a great black three-headed dog.

"Hmph." Santa says, using his own handseals. "Don't think you're the only one that can summon." Santa hit the ground, two seals appearing. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Cupid; Dancer! Dasher; Donder!"

Four Reindeer appeared around Santa, glaring up at the enemy.

"Looks like a tough battle." The huge and muscle-bound Donder remarked.

"But, it's out duty to protect the Christmas sleigh no matter what." Cupid remarked.

"Go!" Commanded Santa, and the group attacked.

Pein of Heaven scowled. The Rinnengan couldn't predict Dancer's movements, and Dasher's speed and agility were too high for Human to escape. Between the two, they trapped him and Cupid ensnared him in some sort of genjutsu. Pein could feel it tracing back to him, and had to sever the link.

Meanwhile, Donder was grapping with the Dog, holding it in place long enough for Santa to get up and close with Hungry Ghost. Once there, Santa got inside Pein of Hungry Ghosts' guard and nailed pressure points on the sternum and face.

In a spray of gore, the Six Paths of Pein were already down by half.

"Those without the spirit of Christmas… I won't show any mercy." Santa growled.

I I I

Kakashi stumbled, blood leaking from a cut across his torso. The chidori dissipated from his outstretched hand.

"Hmph." Comet said. Blood erupted in a spray from his shoulder as his legs buckled. "Guess… I have to surrender my title as Fastest." He disappeared in a poof of smoke before he could hit the ground.

Kakashi stumbled, and then pulled himself together, hurrying off to defeat the enemy.

I I I

A huge crash and boom woke Tsunade from her sleep, and blearily she stumbled to the window, where in dismay she watched Gai rain fireballs down on the village.

"GAI!" She screamed, jumping to his postion. "What the hell is going on!"

"No time!" Gai shouted as he landed. "Santa Claus kidnapped Tenten and we have to get her back!"

Tsunade paused for a minute to think about that before screaming. "WHAT!"

"Ho, Ho, Ho." Laughter came from the smoke drifting away from them all. "That was a close one."

Two more Reindeer stood, guarding Santa and Blitzen.

"Thank you, Prancer. Vixen." Santa said.

"Indeed." Blitzen said. "Without your double shield jutsu we would have been in trouble."

"But we have other things to worry about." Santa growled. "Isn't that right, Kakashi?"

"Ha…" Kakashi said, popping up from the side of the building where he'd been hoping to ambush Santa.

"We're wasting valuable time." Santa said. "I have to end this quickly."

I I I

"We're wasting valuable time." Santa said. "I have to end this quickly."

"Oh?" Said the Pein of Heaven. "How will you do that?"

"You're still a hundred years from perceiving all my secrets, brat, let alone understanding them." Santa said darkly. "Now, I'm going to show you some of the secrets of Christmas!"

I I I

"End this quickly, eh?" Tsunade growled. "Don't take Konoha too lightly."

"On the contrary." Santa said quietly. "It is because I take you seriously that I will use these next techniques."

Santa's hands came up to a series of handseals, and Gai stiffened beside Tsuande.

"Genjutsu." Santa shouted. "Ghost of Christmas Past!"

Tsuande jerked, and fell forward, and collapsed onto the ground.

"Hokage!" Gai shouted, and it is all the opening Blitzen needs to nail him in the chest with a charge, slamming him into the double jutsu shield between Prancer and Vixen.

Gai stiffened, chakra sizzling him, and the reindeer dropped him to the ground.

Meanwhile, Santa closed with Kakashi, releasing a furious taijutsu series of blows, and Kakashi escaped to regroup with shunshin.

Santa nailed him in the base of the skull with a chop. "Trying to out-shunshin Kris Kringle?" Santa said, amused. "Well, I don't hate that." He set the man on the ground next to his commander and rival.

"Up, my reindeer." Santa commanded. "We have places to be and presents to give!"

I I I

In the illusionary world of Christmas Past, Tsunade stared at her previous self. Leaning against Dan, laughing as they strolled through downtown Konoha.

Tsunade had to hold back tears, at what she once had.

I I I

"The Secrets… of Christmas?" Pein of Heaven said, amused. "Is that anything a god has to fear?"

"The spirit of giving and kindess can defeat even the fear of god." Santa intoned. "Never mind the delusions of someone that never grew out of childish Naughtyness."

Pein of Heaven scowled. "It is you.. who will be judged."

Pein of Hell exploded out of the ground, leaping towards Santa on the attack.

But Santa reacted, hands blurring through handseals before slamming the ground behind him. "Kuchiyose: Rudolph, Boss of the Reindeer Clan!"

A small Reindeer appeared between Pein of Hell and Santa, and Hell locked eyes with the ungulate only long enough to see that its eyes were a crimson, fiery red before the Pein of Hell was no more.

Pein of Heaven watched as the Pein of Hell smoldered, candystriped lurid red flames devouring the blasted-apart pieces.

Rudoph turned, and the pressure of his blood-red doujutsu fell on Heaven.

"…Wasn't Rudolph supposed to have a Red Nose?" Pein of Heaven finally said.

"What?" Santa said, frowning. "Why would you think that? That's absurd."

"But…" Santa continued. "It's time for you to understand something of Christmas." He flickered through hand seals, and finished pointing at Pein of Heaven. "Genjutsu: Ghost of Christmas Present!"

The eyes of Pein of Heaven rolled back, and he ignominiously tipped forward, falling on his face. Then he slid forward, along the steep incline of the roof he had been perched on before falling three stories down and hitting the ground with an echoing "wham!"

"Huh." Santa said. "Well, Rudoph, with your eyes so bright, won't you teleport my sleigh tonight?"

"My pleasure." Rudoph said, and a distorted haze of red signaled the warping of space around the group as they disappeared back onto Santa's route.

I I I

Pein of Heaven started down at the scene in front of him, bound in place by Santa's genjutsu.

"There, there." A destitute Rain citizen said, comforting his wife. "I'm sure everything will be fine." He smiled. "God will protect us."

"But it won't be!" She wailed. "Tiny Timmu needs treatment; treatment we can't afford, even with all the scrimping!"

"Sssh." He said. "Everything will be alright."

"But why do we have to suffer?" The woman sobbed. "Haven't we always been good people? Didn't we take in that poor boy after he was orphaned! And now he's, he's our son and he's going to die!" She grabbed at her husband's shirt. "Where's god in that? Where's there any good in that?"

The man wrapped his arms around his wife. "I… I don't know." He patted her on the back. "But I'll work something out. For you, for Timmu."

I I I

Far, far to the south from the great icy fortress of the North Pole Village, tucked between the swamps of the River country and the jungles of the Grass Country, the Nicest Child of the Year spent his Christmas Even fighting off mosquitoes before collapsing from exhaustion from the brutal and occasionally pointless training of the Toad Sage.

Dozens of miles from civilization, squatting on the side of a piranha-infested river, Naruto has no idea it's even December.

Outside the tent he was sleeping in, there was a small twist of snow and tinsel, and Santa appeared in a flash. He took a single step, and froze.

He leapt, and spun about, dropping into a stance. "Oh no." Santa groaned. "I don't think I can deal with you on top of everything else that has happened tonight."

"Don't be like that." Jiraiya said. "This is a tradition stretching back decades."

"Can't you grow up?" Santa groaned. "I mean, it was kinda cute when you swore to get even for being put on the Naughty list." Santa shook his head. "But to want the Perceiver jutsu for spying on women! Jiraiya, you're single-handedly responsible for the sexual overtone associated with 'Naughty,' you know that?"

"Hmf!" Jiraiya said. "Why should a guy like you get to keep that sort of hot inspiration to yourself!"

Santa pinched his nose. "Jiraiya," he began, "it's for keeping tabs on children. You're implicating yourself in lolicon, here."

"Moron!" Jiraiya shouted, stamping his foot. "I'm not going to use if for something as weak as that!"

"Oh I'm not up to dealing with this." Santa said. "You know what? Three for three tonight."

He flickered through seals, and pointed at Jiraiya who didn't jump away fast enough. "Genjutsu: Ghost of Christmas Future."

I I I

Jiraiya fumed as he struggled against the mysterious bonds holding him in place as he floated above the living room of Naruto's apartment.

"Ha ha ha!" Naruto laughed, leaning back on his couch as Sakura fed him grapes while Hinata rubbed herself against his legs.

Clad in only the pants from the standard ninja jumpsuit, it was clear from his physical development that this was a few years down the road.

Likewise, the development of Sakura's figure and Hinata's considerable assets hinted that this event had not yet come to pass.

"Naruto…" Sakura said, eyes lidded and voice breathy.

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered.

The three stood, and walked towards the bedroom.

"Oh come on!" Jiraiya roared, unable to follow and keep watching. Then he noticed that there was an urn, the type used for holding the dearly departed over the mantelpiece.

The urn had his name on it, and the date of death was less than a year away!

"Dammit!" Jiraiya cried, struggling harder to escape this stupid genjutsu.

I I I

"Finally." Santa groaned, kicking the raft down the river. Jiraiya, tied up with a double sprinkle knot, wouldn't be getting free any time soon, even after the genjutsu ended. By then he'd be forty or fifty miles downstream.

"You better appreciate this, kid." Santa muttered, pushing aside the tent flap and stepping inside.

"Heh." Santa couldn't help cracking a grin at the sight of Naruto, pouting even in his sleep as he slapped at the occasional mosquito. Santa was pleased that Naruto had kept the sleeping cap, a gift Santa had given the one year before that Naruto had managed to get himself on the Nice List.

Santa unwound his scroll, and carefully hefted the large and misshapen present, setting it gently on the ground next to Naruto. "Merry Christmas, kiddo."

I I I

Christmas Morning! A time of celebration, of joy and giving to be shared with family.

Unless you're an orphan with no heritage or friends.

Naruto didn't particularly keep track of Christmas. That was why he had absolutely no idea what the thing in the shiny paper was. It was big, kind of cylindrical, and reminded Naruto of a worm or something, too fat for noodles. The paper was bright, red and white stripes, and a big green ribbon wrapped around it and was tied in a big bow.

And it was moving. Lurching back and forth, kinda like a worm.

"What the hell?" Naruto muttered to himself, before shrugging. Naruto was the kind that always moves forward, so he unwrapped the present.

He pulled off the paper, and made eye contact as she looked up, squinting at the sudden light. "Uh, hey, Tenten." He said, awkwardly.

She mumbled back, probably because of the gag in her mouth. Naruto, unsure of what to do, started to keep unwrapping her, but then he noticed something.

Tenten wasn't wearing her normal clothes, but instead some sexy lingerie.

"Um." Naruto, unsure of what to do, just sat back.

Tenten squirmed, crawling out of the paper. Apparently, Naruto noticed, she was also tied hand and foot.

Finally she got herself free, and rolled up into a sitting position. She glowered at Naruto, and mumbled something insistently.

"Lemme get that for you," Naruto said, and he pulled down the gag.

"Naruto I swear to GOD if this was your idea I'm going to travel back in time with kinjutsu and give your mother an abortion!" Tenten screetched.

"I have nothing to do with this!" Naruto shouted, springing up. "It's YOU who randomly showed up in MY tent!"

"Oh right!" Tenten said, rolling her eyes. "Clearly, it's my fault I'm HALF-NAKED and TIED UP in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"

Naruto crossed his arms, pouting. "Well, it's not like it's obviously my fault, either! If anybody it was probably that creepy old Ero-Sennin, this seems like just the kind of thing he'd do for Thanksgiving."

Of all the things she could say to that, Tenten picked "Naruto… it's Christmas."

"Wow? Really!" Naruto said, turning. "Well, Merry Christmas, Tenten! I hope you get what you asked for!"

Tenten scowled. "Well it is 'more screen-time' but this isn't really what I meant."

Naruto shook his head. "Be careful, it's enough of a strain when a Yuri-kitsune does that."

"What?" Tenten said.

"Nevermind." Naruto said. "So… you want me to untie you or something?"

Tenten considered it. "And you won't do anything perverted?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, honestly a little hurt. "Tenten… if I was gonna wouldn't I have already?"

"Fine, fine." Tenten said, and she stretched out her legs so Naruto could undo the ropes around her ankles.

"Hmn." Naruto said. "These… they're pretty tight." He pulled, dragging Tenten forward so he could work at the knots in his lap.

Tenten squealed as he dragged her forward. "Be gentle!" She hissed, wishing she could fix the new wedgie in her needlessly sexy underwear.

"I'll be careful." Naruto promised. He frowned, and leaned forward to use his teeth to tease out the knot.

Tenten shivered when she felt his saliva drip onto her ankles.

I I I

Christmas morning in the Hyuuga household is still Christmas morning. In a rare display of childishness, Hanabi dragged her father from bed at six in the morning and down to the living room, and the rest of the family assembled in short order to receive their presents.

Neji dutifully thanked Hiashi for the socks, and was delighted with the hat that he received from Santa Claus. He immediately plunked it directly on his head, and the family collectively winced.

"Neji… isn't it a little warm to be wearing a knit cap?" Hiashi said, voicing the mournful cry of the Hyuuga Fashion Sense.

"A little." Neji admitted. "But… it's cunning."

"Hmmn." Hiashi said, and further conversation was interrupted when Hinata loudly squealed.

"A Naruto-kun body pillow!" She said, delighted. And, indeed, she had a full-size body pillow with a picture of Naruto printed on it. "Aunt Hiime, how did you know!"

"Us old ladies have our ways, dearie." Her aunt responded, chuckling kindly in her hand.

Hiashi didn't smile, but even his sternness was beginning to look strained.

"Look! Look!" Hanabi said, excited. "Santa gave me Konohamaru-kun's scarf!" With that, the little girl immediately tied it around her neck, and stood up straight with her arms crossed, frowning adorably.

"Very… nice." Hiashi said.

"Yeah!" Hanabi said. "He's gonna have to be my ero-slave if he wants it back!"

"That's…" Hiashi can't. He just can't finish it. He quietly excused himself, and walked out of the room, silently pacing down the hall. He opened the door to his room, and closed it, before crossing to the far wall.

He threw aside the sliding panel, and slapped his hands against the giant, 10-foot poster of Hizashi that had been behind it.

"Brother!" Hiashi roared, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Our kids are so damn weird!"

I I I

"Uggh." Kakashi groaned, his head pounding. He felt like somewhat hade knocked him unconscious with a blow to the head. "Gai… what did we drink last night?"

"Gaaghl." Gai responded, flopping in the snow next to Kakashi. He felt like he'd been electrocuted with some kind of jutsu. "I… I know not, my youthful rival!"

Lee sprung to his feet, only to double over gagging as he felt the bile rise. His stomach felt awful, like he'd been hit with a sledgehammer right in the gut. "Sensei… it's Christmas."

Tsunade grit her teeth and clenched her eyes shut, slapping her hands over her ears. If she could block everything out than maybe it wouldn't feel like she'd been tortured with genjutsu.

Kakashi stiffly helped his friend to his feet. It was weird; everything up to a certain point was pretty clear, although getting blurry, and then all of a sudden everything was just… grey, no memory or anything.

It was almost like his memory was being suppressed by some sort of huge area genjutsu that erased memories of something someone wanted to keep secret…

Naaa. That would be ridiculous, Kakashi decided. "Well, let's get you and Gai back home, Lee!"

"Yosh!" Lee cheered.

I I I

Tenten's father frowned as he came down the stairs. "Honey?" He looked around, and could find no trace of his daughter anywhere.

"Huh." He said, hands on his hips. Eventually, he shrugged. "Oh well! I'm sure some big exciting mission came up and she had to leave immediately."

Mind settled, he promptly forgot about Tenten and went back upstairs.

I I I

In a rumble of thunder and a flash of glitter, Santa appeared in the great winter hanger of his workshop.

Sweat ran down his jolly face. He'd had to call upon powerful jutsu to catch up with schedule after all those fights, but he'd done it. He'd saved Christmas. From himself, if he was going to be honest.

Whatever.

A swirl of snow and tinsel, and the elf Pepper appeared once more.

"Master." The elf said. "Alabastor Snowball summons you." Pepper paused. "He says he found a letter that arrived late."

"Great." Santa mumbled. "More trouble?" He cleared his mind of such unworthy thoughts, returning to a clear and jolly mindset. "Well, better go see what he needs." He said, and disappeared himself in a twist of snow and tinsel.

I I I

Tenten shuddered, back arching. "Nn… didn't I say… be gentle!"

Naruto grunted behind her, rocking back to get a better angle. "Well, I'm doing my best here, but it's really tight!"

Tenten bit her lip as he pushed, arching her shoulders painfully.

Abruptly he relaxed, and all the pressure behind her released. "Got it!" He said.

Naruto triumphantly pulled the ropes off Tenten's arms, and she rubbed her wrists to restore circulation. "So… what now?" she asked, turning her head to make eye contact.

Naruto blushed, a little, when he realized that Tenten's lips were right next to his face.

Seeing his blush, Tenten also realized just what a compromising situation it was, and shot off his lap.

"Don't you have some spare clothes at least?"

"Well… I've got some jumpsuits and stuff, but…" Naruto trailed off.

"But?" Tenten said. "I know they're probably orange, but even if they're incredibly tacky I think I'll manage!"

"Hey!" Naruto roared. "I don't make fun of your silly hair cut so don't make fun of my jumpsuit!"

"Oh you did not go there!" Tenten shouted. "It's on!" Without any kunai to stab him with, she dive tackled him.

Naruto rolled back with the tackle trying to fling her off, but she was too cunning and picked his leg.

Naruto responded by locking his arm around her head as she pushed him back into the wall of the tent, jackknifing his body to try and break the grab on his leg.

Undeterred, Tenten squirmed, gasping into his side before she managed to roll him over and pin him face down.

"Got any thing to say?" Tenten taunted.

"Yeah," Naruto said, tucking his arms together, "I do. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

There was a series of ominous pops, and Tenten turned, and saw the trio of grinning Narutos standing over her with their arms crossed.

Then the first one tackled her off Naruto, and they ganged up on her and before she knew it she was lying spread-eagle on her back, arms pinned at her sides and legs held in a scissors lock by all the Naruto.

Chest heaving, she scowled up at the grinning boy perched on top of her. "You win." She admitted, voice low.

"Ha!" Naruto said, but he wasn't sure what to do. If it was Kiba or something he'd rub the other boy's face in it, but Kiba would never be a good enough sport to concede in the first place. Naruto didn't feel right rubbing it in when Tenten was being a good sport.

"Well…" Naruto said, scratching the back of his head, "I dunno if this counts, I had to use jutsu after all."

"Hmmn." Tenten said. "Mind getting off me?"

"Sure, sure!" Naruto said, hastily hopping off and scooting back.

"So… what were you saying earlier?" Tenten asked.

"Well… I do have some clothes I could loan yah, but… I don't think they'd fit." Naruto said. "See… you're too big."

"Uzumaki Naruto…" Tenten said, voice dangerously soft, "are you saying I'm fat?"

"What?" Naruto said, confused. "No! What, why would you think that?" Naruto paused. "What I meant, was, ah, how can I put this…" Naruto said, glancing down.

"You mean…" Tenten said, looking down at her chest. "Oh! Oh, don't worry about it, I'll manage!"

"Okay." Naruto said, and he turned to start rummaging in his backpack. "Lessee… this one's no good… why do I even carry this one…?"

Tenten looked over his shoulder. "Naruto… what on earth happened to that jumpsuit?"

"This?" Naruto said, holding up what looked like fabric confetti loosely threaded together. "Ah, Rasengan training."

"Wow." Tenten had known that Naruto was training with Jiraiya, but just seeing what it did to his clothes made her realize that it was probably on a level with what Gai put them through.

Speaking of the legendary pervert. "Naruto," Tenten asked, "Where's Jiraiya?"

Naruto looked up. "Huh?" He scuttled over and stuck his head out the tent. "Huh. All his stuff's gone. He'll probably be back in a week or two."

"What?" Tenten said.

"Yeah, he does that sometimes." Naruto said, shrugging. "Dumps me somewhere and runs off. Anyway, we'll be fine." He goes back to the pack, and smiles. "Hey! I forget I brought these!" He turned and handed Tenten a black shirt with a green spiral and a pair of khaki shorts.

He turned away as Tenten put them on, and then she frowned, considering. The shirt was very tight across the chest, just like she'd expected, and the pants hung a little loose on her hips but a belt would be perfect. They had plenty of pockets.

"I'm sorry I don't have any spare sandels." Naruto said honestly.

Tenten smiled, suddenly feeling grateful at Naruto. "It's okay." She said. "Let's just head back to Konoha, okay?"

Naruto considered that. "Okay!" He said, smiling. It was true he was on a training journey, but that was for him, not Tenten. He could definitely make the time to take one of his friends back.

Tenten smiled back, and, acting on a whim, leaned forward and kissed him lightly before standing up and scrambling out of the tent.

Naruto froze, surprised, before grinning goofily. "This is the best Christmas ever." He said to himself.

I I I

Santa Claus stared at the letter that Alabastor Snowflake held before him. He read it again, just to be sure. "Oh, come on!" He said. "This Naruto kid is just TOO Nice!" Santa gestured impotently with his hands.

"Be that as it may," Alabastor said heavily, "this is what he asked for, and the Law is very clear."

"What kind of kid asks for 'world peace' for Christmas?" Santa cried.

"The Nicest Child of the Decade, apparently." Alabastor sighed.

I I I

**THE END **


	2. 2009

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2009)**

**EPISODE II: JIRAIYA STRIKES BACK**

I I I

"Rudolph, with your eyes so bright, won't you see my way tonight?" Santa says, eying the blizzard raging south of them. Well, south of them is everywhere when you are in the Village Hidden in the North Pole.

The incredible red eyes of the Leader of the Reindeer clan sweep out across the howling storm.

"It would be my honor." Rudolph said.

"It's our proud job to pull this sleigh." Donder added.

"The pre-flight checklist is all green, Santa." Wunorse Openslae, master engineer of the sleigh, added. "Your go for takeoff."

Santa sat in his seat in the great sled, and cleared his throat, preparing the vocalization of the powerful space-time jutsu that allows his sled its awesome power.

"Now, Dasher! Now, Donder! Now, Prancer and Vixen!"

The sleigh rose, over the top of the landing pad attached, porch-like, to the office of the Toy Shadow where Santa administered his village.

"On Comet, on Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!"

Powerful electric currents arced, energies building.

"On Rudolph!"

The Leader of the Reindeer's eyes flashed hellishly, and the sleigh vanished into a distortion.

Christmas has begun.

I I I

It was balls-freezingly cold. It was so cold that the little hairs in Naruto's nose had frozen, and it would probably hurt to breathe if his face could feel anything. Naruto had been in worse situations, he thought, but he couldn't remember any right now. It was just ridiculously cold before the blizzard had started. Then it was cold and if felt like Naruto was getting attacked with an infinite number of shurikan, also made out of cold.

"Of course I want to spend Christmas with you again, Tenten," Naruto mumbled, stumbling across the snow, "but it's still thanksgiving."

Naruto is lost, alone, abandoned at the northernmost tip of the Spring Country, which still experienced blistering winters after that seven-color chakra engine thingy. Naruto is undergoing "special survival training" under Jiraiya, which mostly seems to involve getting dumped, lost and alone, on a frozen wasteland.

Naruto shook his head. His eyes weren't focused. "I'm sorry Sakura, but Tenten doesn't punch me in the face."

Also, he's beginning to hallucinate.

"I won't let it end like this!" Naruto roars. He flares his chakra, one last dreg of power to let him find shelter somewhere in this inhospitable wasteland.

Focus renewed, he charges forward, running desperately to flee where-ever he is.

But it is not enough, and soon even this chakra is expended, and Naruto is once again oppressed by the cold.

Finally, he comes face to face with an ungulate. He blinks.

"You're not Tenten. You're a tauntaun!" Naruto proclaims, before collapsing face-first into the snow.

I I I

"He's pretty close to dead." Cupid remarked, after the boy in orange collapsed in front of her. "But, it's a good thing Rudolph saw him, he would have froze to death otherwise."

"What kind of idiot would be out here in the middle of a blizzard..." Santa began, and then sighed. "Oh, it's that dolt Naruto."

"Wasn't he a good boy?" Donder wondered.

"Yeah." Santa said. "Come on, I'll stick him in the sleigh and drop him off in Konoha. Saving his life will be a lot easier than what he actually asked for."

Decided, Santa heaves the ninja up into the sleigh. "What kind of idiot scheme ended up with you out here, anyway?"

I I I

Jiraiya sniffed. "I'm not asking for a free reign, Tsunade. Just let me fight him."

"Let me ask this question again." Tsunade said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You want to ambush Santa Claus and you want my permission to do it in Konoha?"

Jiraiya humphed. "He's the one that kidnapped one of our ninja last year."

Tsunade sighed. "And put all of us under a genjutsu. After, I might add, he beat up like four jounin plus me."

Jiraiya spread his hands. "I'm just asking you to tell the ANBU to stay out of the way. I'll handle it myself."

Tsunade swore. "Santa Claus." She repeated.

"What do you care?" Jiraiya said. "Shinto is the state religion."

"I'm talking about a secular icon of kindness." Tsunade retorted. "And you want to ambush him and bury him in T&I."

Jiraiya shook his head. "I'll be handling that myself."

"That's not better." Tsunade said.

"Please, Tsunade." Jiraiya said.

Tsunade sighed. "Alright. Alright! You can ambush Santa Claus."

"Woo hoo!" Jiraiya said.

"Yosh!" Agreed Gai, crashing in through the window, as two of the Legendary Three flinched.

"Were you listening in?" Tsunade asked, angry.

"I sensed it through the Youth!" Gai replied. "Truly, Santa was most unyouthful last Christmas!" Gai said. "Beating up the cute Lee (me too), kidnapping the hip Tenten, and worst..." here Gai shuddered. "That abominable hat he give Neji."

"It was a pretty ugly hat." Tsunade said. Worse, Neji insisted on wearing it all the damn time.

Jiraya shrugged. "Sure, you're in."

I I I

Naruto awoke with to a sensation of pins and needles all over his entire body surface, especially strong on his hands and face, and violent shivering.

"You're awake much faster than I expected."

Naruto's eyes cracked open. He was in the back of some wooden wagon contraption and there was a fat man in a red suit looking back at him.

"Okay, I know I was hallucinating before, but seriously, Santa Claus? At least when Tenten rode in on a TaunTaun and cut it open and stuffed me inside to night out the storm that was at least theoretically possible."

Santa rolled his twinkling eyes. "Just go back to sleep, kid."

Naruto considered that. "Okay." He said, and immediately slumped backwards into unconsciousness.

"That kid woke up earlier than you said." Vixen commented.

"Yeah." Santa said, as they flew in towards Konoha. "I thought I'd be able to tuck him in bed while visions of sugarplums danced in his head, but he woke in my hands although he was nearly dead."

"And you were doing so good." Comet muttered.

"Hey, it's hard, okay? It's not like I intended to lapse, it just happens I say, when..." here Santa paused. "Huh, I was saved because I can't think of anything that rhymes with lapse."

"You didn't falter once last year." Comet scolded. "And, I might add, you were under considerably more stress."

"Coming up on the final approach!" Rudolph shouted, as the sleigh came in to Konoha.

Santa stood, popping his back as the sleigh landed. He heaved his bag over his shoulder and turned to begin a long night of present-giving.

"It's not like I intend to goof, it's just that-"

"YOUTH!"

Santa's grumbling was cut off as a green meteor struck him, sandal-first, sending him tumbling from the sky.

"Swamp of the Underworld!"

The sleigh buckled, and began to sink into the zone of muck and mud that suddenly appeared underneath them, miring the reindeer in place.

Santa tucked, turning in mid air, and his eyes narrowed at the two standing before him.

"So last year wasn't enough, huh Jiraiya?" Santa said. He stood, cracking his knuckles. "Then this year you will witness the full magnitude of my Yuletide Chakra."

Jiraiya snorted. "I won't fall for the same techniques as last year."

"Ho, ho ho." Santa laughed. "You have not yet begun to see my jutsu!"

But Santa had to interrupt his first hand seal to block a spinning kick.

"Don't forget the beautiful Green Beast of Konoha!" Gai scolded.

"Hmph." Santa spun twisting and punching at Gai, who blocked and countered, forcing Santa to duck. Gai lept clear.

Santa disappeared in a swirl of tinsel, even as thousands of hair-needles perforated the spot he had been standing.

Jiraiya twisted, but it was too late.

Santa struck him four times in the back, and lept away.

Jiraiya braced himself.

Nothing.

"Did it not work...?" Gai wondered.

But Santa took the opportunity to finish his eight handseals, and the summoning technique was complete.

The God of Death appeared above him.

I I I

Jiraiya swallowed, staring. This was the cornerstone of the strongest jutsu he knew, one that sealed away the opponent's very soul, at the terrible cost of one's own soul-the technique that killed both his student and his master.

The Shinigami looked down at Santa inquiringly.

"Spit it out." Santa ordered.

The Shinigami shook it's head.

"Don't make me make you." Santa quietly stated.

With a shudder, the Shinigami reached up with its hand, and then into its own throat, further and deeper down, until Jiraiya was positive it had reached right into its own stomach.

Then it pulled its arm out, and it was gripping a ghost in its hand.

"Sensei." Jiraiya whispered, even as Gai breathed out "Hokage-sama."

The ghost of the Sandaime shook its head. It had a pair of snake-like arms wrapped around it, with hands that continuously beat against his body. One stopped to poke him in the eye, and Sarutobi irritably batted it away.

"I have been sent to vist you this Christmas eve, my student, to tell you to repent of your evil ways."

He paused, and turned to Gai. "Also, you shouldn't be so judgmental of Neji's fashion, Gai, no matter how hideous that hat is."

Gai struck a pose. "Indeed, I was excited that Neji would stand up for his own Youthful fashion, even if it was hideous!" Gai's teeth went ping, and his smile turned feral. "My issue was more with the whole kidnapping-Tenten thing."

Sarutobi considered this, looking from the Green Beast and turning to Kringle. "In that case, you can keep trying to beat him up!"

"Hey!" Santa roared, even as he had to deal with a furious barrage of kicks.

"Now, where were we." The ghost of Sarutobi turned back to Jiraiya, frowning and exasperated.

Jiriaya, remembering that look, cringed.

I I I

Tenten's eyes snapped open, and she rubbed her face.

There was mud on her face.

With a wet plop, mud fell from the ceiling and landed on her bed. She felt the impact through the blanket, on her thigh.

There was mud running down the walls, seeping through the ceiling.

"What the hell is going on?" Tenten muttered. "Is the roof coated in mud or something?"

She climbed out of bed and threw on a coat to check it out.

I I I

Santa grumbled, and countered the spinning backfist with a snapkick, and had to jump the retaliatory leg sweep that followed.

"Your taijutsu is strong." Santa said.

The pair lept, trading blows, and landed, precariously perched on opposite sides of Santa's sleigh.

"Because I burn with Youth!" Gai replied.

"But," Santa continued, "you are too old for a child and too young for an elder. You lack the powers to defeat me!" With that Santa swept his hand, and sharpened Candy canes shot out.

Gai dodged, leaping into the air. "It was a mistake to place yourself between you and your reindeer. View Gate: Open!"

Santa's mind worked furiously. There were few jutsu he could use to defeat Gai now, and they would cost heavily of his chakra. If he couldn't finish Jiraiya quickly, then he would not be able to complete his Christmas sojourn.

"Asa Kujakuu!" Gai roared, flinging fireballs.

There was no other choice.

"Wonder Gate: Open!" The Green Beast announced.

Santa's hands blurred. "Winter Wonderland!"

A distortion, and a huge construct of snow appeared. The three stacked spheres of snow, with a top hat on top, blocked the fireballs, before dissipating into a huge storm that wrapped around Gai like a wintry tornado.

Disoriented, Gai was barely able to block the first kick, as Santa flickered across his field of view. But the next connected solidly with his back, and Gai spun to intercept the next blow.

Santa smiled.

Gai slammed into the hat. Suffused with dark magics that granted false life, it was as hard as an iron wall.

Gai plummeted to the ground, slamming into the now-frozen muck with the reindeer.

Then the hat slammed into him.

I I I

"I just don't understand why you continue to do this, Jiraiya." Sarutobi continued to lecture. "I mean, come on. The perciever jutsu that Santa uses is specifically designed to monitor the morality of children. Using it for perverted purposes makes you a lolicon. I thought I taught you better than that."

"I'm not a lolicon!" Jiraiya protested. "Seriously, that's the first thought everyone has! Yeah, I'd probably use it to spy on women, but I just don't like the whole pettanko scene! I'm a breast man. If we're cooking an egg, we can't have something light like a souffle, it's gotta have character, body, and a nice curve. Hard boiled!"

"That was a stupid metaphor." Sarutobi replied.

"And besides!" Jiraiya said. "Even as it is, even without any changes, the perciever would be a huge boon to our intelligence network. Every whacked-out underage super-ninja, every kid that got stuck on the battlefield and adapted a little too well, we'd be able to follow their movements!" Jiraiya sighed. "I just, the things I've had to ask, of our long-term agents, to collect data about the child prodigies of Hidden Mist, or the bloodline savants from Cloud... we wouldn't have to do any of that, anymore."

"You've really thought about this." Sarutobi said.

"But not enough!" Santa interrupted. "No ninja would surrender their jutsu so easily, and mine are for kindness and giving!" He shook his head. "The secrets I've amassed, the knowledge and Yuletide power, I will not surrender them. My immortal life is given over to compassion. I will not allow my secrets to be used for any military, even yours."

He turned to face the ghost of Sarutobi. "Do it."

Sarutobi nodded, turned to Jiraiya. "You will be visited three ghosts: one of Christmas Past, one of Christmas Present, and the last of Christmas Future."

"The same jutsu won't work on me twice." Jiraiya warned.

Santa smiled. "Oh, it's entirely different when anchored to a ghost."

"Three Ghosts of Christmas." Santa announced, and Jiraiya stumbled forward as the genjutsu snared him.

Santa turned, and walked towards his sled.

I I I

Tenten stared. She'd walked outside to see what the hell was going on in time to see Gai fighting a familiar man in a red suit. The last time she'd seen him, he'd knocked her unconscious and she'd woken up wearing only lingerie and rope in a tent in the Grass Country, or somewhere like that. It sounded like snuff, but fortunately Naruto was a lot better than that.

Tenten jerked, diving for cover as Gai shot fireballs and the man in red countered with sort sort of man-shaped snow thing in a hat.

Then he smacked Gai with the hat. Into her house, which was covered in a thick layer of mud that was still oozing down the sides. Or it had been until it mostly froze.

Then the ha smacked into Gai. And her house, which gave up the ghost and finally collapsed into shambles.

Dimly Tenten was glad that her father was out drinking with friends from the metalworkers district.

But...

"My House!" Tenten shouted.

I I I

"I am the ghost of Christmas Past."

Jiraiya turned, and looked down at the wizened old toad calmly sitting before him.

"Fukusaku?" Jiraiya queried.

The toad nodded, stroking his goatee. "I am." The toad turned, and waved his arm. "You should remember a time when you were more innocent, Jiraiya, when you did not seek to take everything for power."

"Hmph, we'll see about that." Jiraiya said, boosting the old sage up onto his shoulder.

Jiraiya smiled sadly as he watched his younger self, offering wrapped gifts to his teammates.

Tsunade opened hers, and immediately decked Jiraiya. That had struck him as unfair, since he's worked so hard to find not only a good bra for her, but also find out the right size in the first place.

Orochimaru opened his just as quickly; Jiriaya had learned very quickly that nothing attracted Orochimaru's attention so quickly and thoroughly as secrets.

Orochimaru also got underwear in Tsunade's size. More specifically, he actually got Tsunade's underwear.

Tsunade began stomping on younger Jiraiya for that one.

Fukusaku rubbed his chin, tapping his foot on Jiraiya's shoulder. "Well, okay, maybe not more innocent, but at least you didn't try to weaponize Santa Claus."

Jiraiya huffed. "This was the last Christmas we had as genin. As children in the eyes of our fellow ninja."

Fukusaku nodded. "A gentlier, kinder time."

"I was miserable." Jiraiya pointed out. "Orochimaru was the closest thing I had to a friend that wasn't an amphibian, Tsunade treated me like I was worthless, and sensei never outright said it but he thought so, too." Jiraiya grinned. "Not a compelling argument for nostalga, you old frog."

"Then perhaps a reminder of miseries that you could have prevented." A voice behind him said.

Jiriaya turned. "Shima."

The Mother of the Toad Way smiled at the favorite student of herself and her husband. "I," she began, "am the ghost of Christmas Present."

Jiraiya glanced around. A ratty, dingy apartment, full of old, mis-matched furniture.

A picture of three genin (one smiling, one scowling, and another frowning at the first) and a jounin (single eye closed, over a masked, inscrutable face) on a nightstand.

"It's what is lacking that shows the trouble." Shima said. "No tree for Christmas. No presents from friends... or parents." Shima gestured. "No pictures on the wall. A life lived, alone, without love."

Jiraiya sighed. "Yeah, and if I had that jutsu, I coulda been around for the kid. Instead, I was off running the spy network." He grinned. "Not a convincing argument, you crone."

Shima scowled, and lept up with her powerful toad legs to rap Jiraiya on the head with a stick. She landed on the shoulder opposite her husband. "Well, there's others, as well."

A girl in her underwear, wearing a coat, shouting in disbelief as her house collapsed under the weight of the fight Jiraiya started.

Jiraiya squinted into the distance, where he saw his own body, mid-fall from the very genjutsu he was trapped in. "Christmas Present indeed."

"And one more to go."

Jiraiya turned. "Great Toad Sage."

The huge frog smiled. "Who better to provide a vision of a future than an oracular Toad?" He grinned. "I'll show you the disaster that awaits your actions."

Jiraiya smirked. "Yeah, the thing is, I don't regret anything I've done in my life. Sure things could have turned out better, I could have stopped Orochimaru, I could have saved my students, I could have stood in Minato's place against the Fox... but I can't really control what other people will do. Not really. I can only control my own actions, and I don't regret any of those."

He reached up, and smeared his markings down his cheeks, even as his pupils distorted from the Nature energy he was being fed by the Elder Toads.

"I think it's time to exhibit my Sage wisdom." Jiraiya said.

The genjutsu rippled, and shattered.

I I I

Naruto yawned, arching his back and stretching. "Man, I feel so much better."

"You seriously slept through all that?" A voice asked.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, pointing. "I was half-dead and..." he faltered. "Okay, how the heck did you all wind up half-buried in mostly frozen mud?" He looked around. "And are we in Konoha?"

Dasher sighed. "We were attacked by your ridiculous master, and yes."

Naruto rubbed his chin. "Well, okay." He shrugged, and jumped forward, pulling out a kunai. He began to chip and dig at the mud. "I'll have you out in a jiffy!"

Donder pondered this. "Shouldn't you be following you're master's lead?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nah, the Pervy Sage is a moron. Plus, you guys totally saved my life, so I kinda owe it to you."

"Naruto."

Naruto froze at the sound of that, like someone was trying to put a gypsy curse on a plutocrat using his name.

He turned, and smiled weakly. "Uh, hi, Tenten. Nice night?"

"It was." Tenten said, "until someone dropped a huge pile of mud on my house, and someone else froze it and slammed my sensei into it, and then my house collapsed into rubble. So no, it is not a nice night."

"Hey!" Naruto said. "I totally missed Gai-sensei over there! Man, he looks like someone dropped a house on him or something."

Tenten whimpered in anger that was just too teeth-grindingly angry to express in words.

Well, except for one word.

"Die!" Tenten shouted, lunging. She managed to wrest the kunai from Naruto as she tackled him to the ground, and she rolled around with him in the mud.

Naruto was a little freaked out. Tenten was trying to stab him in the jugular with his own kunai.

I I I

Santa paused after one step. He turned back around.

Jiraiya had stumbled once while under genjutsu, and then caught himself. He was standing.

His body was altered by the flow of natural energies; from his paddle-like toes to the tip of his bulbous nose, he resembled both human and toad, now.

"I said that genjutsu wouldn't work on me a second time." Jiraiya said.

Santa sighed. "I cannot afford to hold back anymore. It ends now, Jiraiya."

I I I

"DieDieDie!" Tenten swore, and Naruto twisted, grabbing the sleeve of coat on her knife-wielding hand, even as he desperately picked at the hand wrapped around his throat.

With a twist, he kicked her to the side, attempting to tangle her up in her own coat.

But Tenten merely slipped free and lunged for him again.

Dodging the knife, she body-checked him and the two fell back into the mud, rolling around.

I I I

Santa twisted, disappearing in a shunshin even as the needles of hair once again peppered his position.

He barely managed to block the strengthened punch that Jiraiya had already thrown in his new location, slamming into his crossed arm guard. He managed a snap-kick into the ribs of his opponent.

This was trouble. He couldn't summon his reindeer; he didn't have the chakra for a genjutsu that could break the Sage Mode; and he was unwilling to use the brutal killing power of his Polaris Kung Fu against this opponent.

Santa was out of options.

Grimly, he dodged another kick, only to have to block the tongue that launched towards him like a canon out of Jiraiya's mouth, slamming him into a wall.

When he stood up, the Toads were croaking a song.

I I I

Although it often seemed pointless and it always seemed confusing, the training Naruto had received from Jiraiya had allowed him incredible growth in the last year.

"Are you calm now?" Naruto asked.

The muffled curse from Tenten probably meant no, Naruto decided. He sighed, making sure she was still securely pinned face-down underneath him, the hand gripping the stolen knife securely pinned to her back.

"How about now?" Naruto asked.

Tenten sighed, and nodded.

Naruto stepped back. "You aren't going to try to stab me again?

Tenten grunted sourly. "No, I won't try to stab you again."

"Good." Naruto said. "As long as we're clear on that." He nodded, never once taking his eyes off her. It was beginning to make Tenten feel a little self-conscious. Wait, why was he blushing.

Tenten looked down. And yelped. She'd forgotten that she'd only had her underwear underneath the coat.

"Naruto!" She groused, crossing her arms.

"Well... it's just... aren't you cold?" Naruto asked.

Tenten sighed. "Yes, well, all of my clothes are buried under a mountain of rubble and mud, right now."

"You could probably find something in the sled." Cupid spoke up.

"But it's probably sized for elves." Donder pointed out.

"Better than nothing." Tenten sighed.

"So, I guess I'm gonna go check on Santa while you get changed." Naruto said.

I I I

He'd done it. He'd defeated Santa Claus. After getting one-shotted like a jobber last year, this year Jiraiya had won. This year, after decades of trying, he would finally gain the jutsu he'd sought for so many years.

"woo hoo!" Jiraiya cheered, eyes finally reverting to normal as the last of his natural energy was passed through his system.

An arc of electricity jumped across the prone body of Santa Claus.

Jiraiya stiffened, eyes darting back in forth, as the light seemed to dim and sounds became muted.

Energy, electric-like but somehow not, leaped forth from the fallen form of Father Christmas.

It streaked towards Jiraiya, who desperately dodged, but it twisted jaggedly mid-air and struck home on the Toad Sage, filling him with its power.

Green and Red, the thundering power poured from the fallen to the victor.

Jiraiya screamed.

I I I

Tenten tugged, although it seemed futile. The one-piece dress was intend for a much shorter and less buxom form than Tenten's, resulting in an effect that was somewhere between "indecent" and "ineffective." Mostly Tenten was just glad that Konoha was quite temperate, even in winter.

There was a loud pop, the sound of air rushing into a sudden void, and the plume of smoke...

Two more, as two more reindeer disappeared.

Then four more, and two more in quick succession. The reindeer were gone.

"That can't be good." Tenten muttered.

I I I

Naruto stared at Jiraiya.

Jiraiya stared at Jiraiya. He patted his chest, and stared at the sleeves. From the tips of his geta to the hat full of hair, from his mischievous twinkling eyes to his red suit, it was Jiraiya as Santa Claus standing there, with a sack full of toys slung over his shoulder to boot.

Naruto cleared his throat. "So... What the hell just happened?"

"I hadn't understood." Jiraiya said grimly. "By defeating him, I took on his powers... although the Yuletide spirit of giving touches every heart in Christmas, when it comes to Santa Claus, there can be only one."

"No way..." Naruto breathed. "Are you seriously saying that..."

Jiraiya grinned, and spun in place, dancing on his geta. "The man whose convinces all naughty children to be nice, appearing in a flash of alien light from his super northern fortress astride a magical Christmas Toad, that's me!"

Jiraiya stuck out his hand. "Santa Jiraiya!"

Naruto shook his head. "That... that doesn't really work."

Jiraiya tried again. "Jiraiya Kringle!"

Naruto sighed. "No good."

Jiraiya frowned. "Sinterklaasaiya?"

"Just stop."

"Father Chrisaiyamas?"

"Jiraiya Claus?"

Naruto groaned and slapped his forehead. "Listen, it's a title, right, like Hokage or whatever, you're 'Santa Claus' and not some other stupid thing with your name in it, alright?"

I I I

Tenten looked up. And gawked.

Jiraiya chuckled self-consciously. Naruto sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"Listen, Tenten, you don't have to come along, but..." Naruto trailed off. "Okay, there's no way to say this that isn't stupid. I've got to help the new Santa Claus here finish Christmas."

I I I

Christmas Eve. Or Christmas Day, depending on which you would consider 3 AM December 25th. Either way, it was a quiet night, a silent night, and not a creature was stirring anywhere, not even the ninja-mice used for reconnaissance by Rock's Intelligence Department.

With a muffled boom, a huge toad landed in the middle of the Village Hidden in the Rocks.

The Rock ANBU mobilized, dashing to the postion of the huge toad, with a distinctive scar across one eye and a distinctive pipe clenched in his lips, with an equally distinctive red hat with a white bonbon on the end, although no one had ever associated the Christmas cap with the Toad Boss before.

With a huge pop of displaced air, thousands of red-suited clones appeared around the Toad, each bearing a sack that resonated with contained transport seals.

A mysterious and confusing act without any apparent motive, the event that would shock the Rock ninja community to the core and prompt massive changes to their internal security measures took the Village by surprise in the dead of night.

The Christmas Invasion had begun.

I I I

Elsewhere, in Hidden Cloud, a red-suited old man with a much better skill at stealth than his loud apprentice snuck into the office of the angriest Kage.

I I I

"Why are you doing this!" Tenten screamed, as Naruto (why he had a red version of his jumpsuit and where he'd gotten the Christmas cap Tenten didn't know) blocked the sword of a Rock ANBU and slammed a low-power Rasengan into him, sending the man spinning off into the night.

"Being Santa is awesome!" Naruto cackled. In that moment of distraction, another ANBU lunged forward, stabbing Naruto right through the heart.

But that was okay when Naruto simply burst into smoke, dispelled.

Naruto drop-kicked the ANBU, who narrowly dodged, only to get nailed from behind by a flying elbow by a third Naruto.

"Man, this is the best fight I've had in years!" Naruto enthused.

While the security forces were distracted, he darted into homes and houses all over Iwa, leaving wrapped gifts for all the good little girls and boys.

I I I

Sasuke clicked the light on, intent on a midnight snack. He had a lot of training to get done tomorrow, no matter how much Kabuto needled him about training on Christmas.

Sasuke's desire to spend Christmas with his family had died, well, with his family.

Sasuke blinked.

There, shoulder-deep in the refrigerator, was Naruto, who turned to blink, owl-like, at the man in the doorway.

Dressed like Santa Claus.

Sasuke clicked the light off and shuffled back to bed.

I I I

Tenten grunted, heaving a box into place under a tree. She wasn't quite sure how she had gotten roped into helping, but whatever.

Still, she was surprised at how good the cookies were. She didn't think Kiba's mom was that good of a cook.

I I I

Christmas morning! A time when families gather around the tree to give gifts and share in their happiness.

I I I

Hanabi dashed into the room, dragging her father along. "It's Christmas, it's Christmas!"

Hiashi nodded, and sat down as his associated relatives filtered in, taking up positions around the room, smiling to each other as Hanabi impatiently bounced up and down in place.

"Alright." Hiashi said. "Begin."

Neji thanked Hiashi for the socks, privately wondering why the man kept giving him clothes he didn't need. But the big box from Santa... he opened it up carefully, and sucked air in through his teeth.

Uncaring of the attention he'd drawn to himself, Neji lifted the green fedora reverently from the box, careful of the giant peacock feather stuck in the brim.

"Another hat." Hiashi said glumly. "You, ah, like it, Neji?"

Neji nodded. "Best hat ever!" He immediately stuck it on his head, and tilted to an appropriately rakish angle.

Hiashi winced, and turned to watch his daughters unwrap their gifts.

"A telescope!" Hinata enthused.

"I didn't know you liked astronomy, Hinata." Hiashi observed.

"Oh, I don't." Hinata said absently.

"Such a healthy girl" one of his aunts said approvingly. Hiashi considered that, and something inside of him, some piece of his naivete that had survived all these years, immediately died.

"Look! Look!" Hanabi said, waving a box around. It wasn't very large, and when it was getting waved around like that it was difficult, but Haishi's highly trained eyes managed to make out the "Trojan Ultra" on the label.

"I'm gonna go show Konohamaru!" is youngest daughter announced, standing up and running out of the room.

Haishi considered that, and nodded with dignity. He stood and quietly walked out of the room, and down the hall to his own bedroom. Once inside, he carefully closed the door behind himself, and crossed to the opposite wall.

Then, Haishi flung aside the panel to reveal the gigantic poster, a close-up of Hizashi.

"Brother!" Haishi shouted, tears streaming down his cheeks as he slapped his hands against the poster, "our kids are growing up so fast!"

I I I

The Raikage smiled, and Kirabi carefully unwrapped his gift.

"Awesome!" the jinchuuriki of the Eight-tales cheered. "The hand-held Karaoke 9001 microphone!"

"I'm glad you like it!" The Raikage said. "Now there won't be any more of this running off business, right?"

"Eh." Kirabi said, waving his hand negligently.

"Right!" Roared, the Raikage, thunder and lightning crashing in the background.

"Sure thing, bro!" Kirabi hastily added.

"Good... oh, what's this?" The Raikage said, turning to his secretary.

She held up the gift, quirking one eyebrow as he took the package.

He opened it, and blinked. "I don't get it."

Smirking, she observed, "it's Kool-Aid, sir."

Kirabi snorted.

"Yeah, but...why?" The Raikage said, frowning.

His secretary, in turn, simply glanced over at the wall, which had cardboard taped over the hole and wouldn't be fixed until contractors came by. Again.

She sighed.

I I I

"Hey honey, I'm home." Tenten's father frowned, and he scratched his chin when there was no answer.

Looked like Tenten wasn't home.

"I wonder what happened here," he mused, considering the mud-soaked wreckage piled where he used to live.

He brightened up. "Oh well." He said. "It was probably some kind of zany misunderstanding with a doton user and now she's probably staying over at a friend's house."

Whistling, he went off down the street. The after-Christmas sales would be a perfect place to get a tent.

I I I

Far, far to the North, disguised in ice and snow from all eyes, is the Village Hidden in the North Pole.

And here, while Wunorse Openslae cursed furiously and scrubbed at a sleigh totally covered in mud, and the elves enjoyed the year-end party, a medic-nin was examining the Seventh Toy Shadow.

She pursed her lips, frowning at the chart. Shinny Upatree is the greatest ninja of the Elf clan, and a master of medical jutsu second only to Tsunade.

Jiraiya isn't sure he likes that expression. "So... what's wrong, doctor."

Shinny's eyes snapped up to him. "Oh, nothing's wrong. But you understand, don't you, that we need to make sure that the new Santa Claus is up to the task."

Finding out that he was the seventh to bear the title of Santa Claus over the centuries was quite a surprise to the Toad Sage.

"Well, I already know that my health is perfect, so..."

"Well, I'm relieved that you haven't let it get to you." Shinny said.

"What." Jiraiya replied.

"Most men... well, they think of themselves as being, as being reduced, somehow, when they find out. But I'm glad that you're not one of them."

"What are you talking about." Jiraiya said nervously.

Shinny paused, and handed over the chart. On it was a diagram of Jiraiya's back, with four areas marked in red ink.

"Well... with those chi meridians harmed, it's..." Shinny paused. "With the flow of your chakra impeded at these four points, it renders your body incapable of a certain, a specific masculine function."

"No." Jiraiya said, shaking his head in mounting horror. "I'm the legendary ultra pervert, I can't be, I can't..."

"I won't lie." Shinny forced on. "There's not much hope. Some men respond well to treatment with certain products, available both by prescription and over the counter, but with the way your body has been struck..." she shook her head. "I'm afraid it's irreversible."

Jiraiya screamed. It was the sound of ultimate suffering.

I I I

Naruto smacked his lips, and frowned. There was a funny taste in his mouth, kinda cottony, kinda smokey.

He cracked an eye, and then lifted his head.

He was passed out on the floor of his apartment, wearing a red jumpsuit with one sleeve missing, only charred fabric on the shoulder.

Oh right, that katon user. That explained the smokey taste.

Still, he couldn't feel his leg, that was kinda worrying. He painfully lifted up and rested on his elbows.

Tenten was drooling on his thigh. Well, at least his leg was just asleep instead of, like, gone or something.

"Hey, Merry Christmas." Naruto said.

With a snort, Tenten shot up. "huh?"

"I said, Merry Christmas." Naruto repeated.

Tenten's eyes focused on him. "Oh... Merry Christmas to you, too."

Naruto smiled. "Thanks!"

And Tenten's hands shot out and wrapped around the neck of his jumpsuit. "And if you ever do anything as stupid as what you pulled in Hidden Rock you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life."

Naruto blinked. "what...?"

Tenten frowned, and then blushed. "I mean, I'll beat you up! If you ever do anything as stupid as that again I'll beat you up."

Completely confused, Naruto just nodded. "Right... well, I, uh, got you something."

Tenten's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Naruto said. He reached behind him, and pulled the sack that he had been using as a pillow around in front of him. He fumbled around for a moment, and fished out a wrapped present. "Here!" He announced, thrusting it to her.

Tenten considered it, and smiled. "Thanks!"

She unwrapped it. And blinked. "Rope." Actually, it was very high quality rope, finely treated and very supple and soft. It looked like all the frays had been singed off and it had already been strain-hardened, tightened and then washed to maximize its utility.

Tenten blushed, and looked up.

"Tenten..." Naruto began.

"No." Tenten said. "Let me, I'll go first. I, uh, I'm flattered you think of me that way, Naruto, and I guess I'm intrigued, but I'm just not ready. Yet." She looked up, into his eyes that seemed clouded.

"Tenten..." Naruto began again, blushing.

The girl barreled on. "So, I'm just not ready for this kind of play, and I don't know if I'll ever be, but I don't want that to get in the way of anything else we could have."

Naruto swallowed. "Uh, Tenten, I gave you the wrong gift."

Naruto pulled the wrapping paper up, ignoring the mortified Tenten. He frowned at the label on it. "Although, what the heck would Kurenai need all this rope for? Doesn't she use genjutsu to fight?"

"Naruto..." Tenten growled.

Naruto knew that tone of voice. He was already ducking out of the way.

"Get back here!" Tenten shouted.

"Gotta catch me first!" Naruto teased, leaping up from where he was sitting and taking a flying leap out his window.

"I'll get you alright!" Tenten swore, chasing after him.

I I I

**The End **


	3. 2010

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2010)**

**EPISODE III: RETURN OF THE JED-WAIT**

I I I

Christmas Eve in Konohagakure! Snow drifting gently to the ground, coating everything in a blanket of white, softening corners and rounding edges; it is a white Christmas to dream of.

Especially if you're Naruto, fast asleep, snug as a bug in a rug, curled up in his bed snoozing; for the first time in over two years, he's spending a holiday in Konoha, not lost having a near-death experience or something. That's because Jiraiya is busy being Santa Claus. So instead Naruto has been training with Kakashi and Yamato, and they are much less crazy.

Anyway Naruto is tucked into bed, visions of sugarplums dancing in his head.

"Why is your hair made out of candy, Tenten?" Naruto mumbled. "That's creepy."

Also he talks in his sleep I guess.

"Although the cotton-candy dress is hot..." the heir of the world's ultra-pervert rolled over, smacking his lips and smiling, drifting back and forth between awareness and sleep.

Bleary, he smiled. The ghostly blue figure floating by his bedside, an ancient, tiny man wearing a holiday suit, with a long crooked nose and pointed ears, hesitantly smiled back. "Naruto." It whispered. "Naruto, wake up. I haven't much time."

"Hwa..." Naruto said, while blinking. He makes eye contact with the apparition.

Naruto immediately screamed and jerked back, falling off his bed with a thud. "What the hell is a ghost-elf doing in my room?" He demanded.

"I'm not dead!" The elf protested.

Naruto sat up, and narrowed his eyes. "Pepper Minstix?" He said. It was mostly a guess.

"Indeed." The elf said, nodding. "I am contacting you with the astral projection no jutsu; and if Jiraiya finds out... everything will be for naught."

"Okay that wasn't ominous at all." Naruto complained.

"Help me, Naruto. You are my only hope." the ghostly blue figure pleaded.

"What." Naruto responded.

"You don't understand, Naruto... when Jiraiya became Santa Claus last year, all he had to do was deliver the presents. It was tough, but you all pulled through. But this year..." the elf shivered. "This year, he has had command of the Toy Genesis Engine, of choosing the presents for the good little children."

Naruto considered that, and immediately paled. "Oh no."

"I see you understand." Pepper Minstix continued. "It's... Christmas isn't supposed to be NC-17! What the hell is he thinking? Icha-icha for everybody, that's just lining his own pockets! And what's with all the leather?"

Naruto nodded. "Okay, I get it."

Distracted, the elf continued to rant. "And why does he keep giving girls thigh-high stockings and short skirts, and always going on about Absolute Territory!"

"Well," Naruto began, "that's the uncovered skin between the top of the stocking and the skirt; I keep hoping I can convince Tenten to-wait, we're getting off-topic..."

"And the chains!"

"Whoa!" Naruto shouted, holding up his hands. "Okay, okay. I get it." He paused. "So what the hell do you want me to do about it?"

Pepper Minstix shuddered. "I never thought that I would ask this, but... Naruto. Sometimes, sacrifices must be made."

"Ominous..." Naruto complained again.

" And for the sake of the integrity of the holiday..." Pepper Minstix said, blithely ignoring the boy, "Naruto... this year, you must cancel Christmas."

"Stop!" Naruto shouted. "Slow down! Back up!"

Pepper's gaze jerked over his shoulder. "He comes!" The elf hissed.

"You want me to what!" Naruto said.

"He comes!" Pepper repeated, before his ghostly blue form wavered and then disappeared.

Naruto stared at the spot on his bedroom floor where the astral form of an elf had been hovering just a minute ago. He put his hand on his face, and groaned.

"Of course I immediately come up with a plan." Naruto muttered. "Stupid brain." He stood up. "Well, I'm gonna need to go get some help."

I I I

Tsunade yawned, rubbing her eyes as she once again cursed her job. Even on Christmas Eve, there was important work for the Hokage to do. Important documents to read from intelligence, and important missions to select teams for.

She couldn't wait to retire and fob all of that off onto Naruto.

"Hey Baachan."

Speak of the devil. "What is it Naruto?"

"Got a letter for ya." He said, blithely ignoring the venom in her tone. He held out a letter.

Cautiously, Tsunade took it.

_Dear Baachan,_

_Going to Otogakure for Christmas. Oh and if Christmas gets cancelled it totally won't have anything to do with me, kay? Anyway I'll be back in like three days, a week, tops._

_Cheers,_

_Naruto_

_P.S. Let Tenten know we're still on for New Year's okay? Thanks._

Tsunade's glare wrenched up from the paper to the grinning fool before her. "Naruto," she began, "you had damned better explain yourself right now."

"Ha ha," Naruto said, "no." With that the Kage Bunshin poofed out of existance.

Tsunade clenched her teeth so hard her eyes crossed as she crushed the letter in a shaking fist.

I I I

From the wart on his nose to the nails of his toes, from the spikes of his hair to the planks of his sandle, Jaraiya proudly stands there, a true Santa Claus scandle.

"Ha ha ha!" He laughs with glee, "now all the good little children get presents from me!"

"For good girls I have toys with battery power, for boys there are such contraptions even I can't explain!"

As the master warbled and cackled at the very last hour, Pepper Minstix only prayed that Naruto could end this Christmas profane.

I I I

"Kabuto." Orochimaru paused. "What am I looking at."

Kabuto tilted his head, causing his glasses to flash ominously. "It seems that we caught a cute little frog that thought it could sneak in."

Naruto, tied up with guards at either side of him, frowned at that. "Sneak in? I walked in the front door and asked the guy that popped out to challenge me if he could take me to you." He said to Orochimaru.

"Well then, Naruto-kun," Orochimaru said, smiling, "Here you are. And here I am. What can I do for you, hmm?"

Unbothered by the fake cordiality or the killing intent, Naruto spoke up. "Well as you may know, Jiraiya is Santa Claus. And basically he has to be stopped."

He stopped then, like the rest was obvious, and Orochimaru waited for him to continue. Naruto just stared back.

After an uncomfortable pause, it was Kabuto who spoke. "So... what does that have to do with us?"

"I'm not able to take him by myself." Naruto revealed. "So I needed help, and I thought, well that creepy old snake-bastard probably isn't too busy on Christmas Eve, might as well rope him in."

Actually, Orochimaru had planned a quiet night in with some light human experimentation before turning in early.

So Orochimaru shook his head and clucked, and in that motion flicked a poisoned knife at Naruto with his tongue. "I find your lack of respect... unamusing, Naruto-kun."

In response, he disappeared in a poof of smoke. Kage Bunshin.

"So, what, you're busy or what?" Naruto's voice came from one of the guard's mouths, and then with a pop the henge ended, revealing that the guard was in fact Naruto. The other guard nodded, and then with a pop also became Naruto. "I mean I guess it could happen, if there was like an eclipse or something."

"Kabuto." Orochimaru began.

"Don't blame him." Naruto interrupted. "When the gate-guard was flummoxed, I ganked him from behind and trussed him up and tossed him in a closet. Created some Kage Bunshin, they henged into guards, tied one up real nice, and we just basically wandered around until we got here." He paused. "By the way, I know the layout is supposed to be confusing, but seriously it's exactly the same as the street layout as this one city in Mist, it was uncanny."

"Wait, you mean the real you is somewhere else?" Kabuto asked.

"Well, yeah." Naruto said.

I I I

"Sasuke." Naruto hissed. "Sasuke, wake up."

Grumbling, the Last Uchiha blinked and looked up. He'd been training on the night-shift for a month to practice darkness operations, and as a result slept during he middle of the day. "Naruto?" He asked.

"Sasuke, I need your help." Naruto whispered. But because it was Naruto, the strained stage-whisper was as loud as a normal person's speaking voice. "I need you, Sasuke."

"Not this dream again." Sasuke muttered, rolling over. "I swear that guy is haunting me or something."

"This isn't a dream and I need your help to stop Christmas, Sasuke." Naruto replied.

That didn't convince Sasuke it wasn't a dream. "Run that by me again."

"So that perverted old toad became Santa Claus and now he's giving everybody X-rated gifts and if he does it will ruin Christmas forever and so I need to ruin Christmas for just this year instead and I need your help." Naruto had an incredable amount of stamina, and got it all out in one breath.

At least that was the same, Sasuke thought. "And what does that have to do with me."

"He's gonna get people lube, Sasuke." Naruto said. "And I know you, and I know how women are around you, and every little girl that counts as 'good' in this whole village, every kunoichi with a crush on you, pick any of 'em, she's gonna get handcuffs, and play-candles, and-"

"Okay I'm up." Sasuke said. "When do we leave?"

I I I

Sasuke pushed the door open to the throne room with Naruto trailing behind him and saw that another pair of Narutos were talking to his teacher and Kabuto.

"So I figure, you'd probably like to be Santa Claus instead." One of the Narutos concluded, turning slightly to exchange nods with the Naruto with Sasuke.

Sasuke shot a glance full of questions at Kabuto, who shrugged and cocked an eyebrow.

"A convincing argument, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru deferred. "But, I don't see why you would be willing to let me have it."

"Because I'm pretty sure it will destroy you." Naruto baldly said. "I mean, the Yuletide Chakra is potent, and Jiraiya is a sage; no way you could handle it, it would burn you right up."

Kabuto stiffened at the implied challenge to his master's ability.

"You speak with offensive familiarity, Naruto." Orochimaru said. "It would be better for you to not guess at my powers, so far beyond your own pedestrian comprehension."

"So bet on it." Naruto said. "Bet I'm wrong."

"Ku ku ku." Orochimaru laughed, playing to the audience rather than any particular source of amusement. "Very well, Naruto. We shall play this little game, and see who comes out on top."

I I I

"So." Tsuande said darkly. "I want your team to go, and figure out what the hell is going on, and especially I want you to beat Naruto up and bring him back so I can beat him up again." The Hokage was extremely furious.

"Hai!" Gai roared. "You can count on us, even if you count to a hundred thousand, Hokage-sama!"

"Gai-sensei!" Lee roared in apparent agreement.

"We'll run at super-top speed, and get there in ten hours!" Gai shouted, thrusting a fist into the air.

"No. We won't." Tenten shot back. "Can't you summon a turtle and teleport us or something? Naruto can."

"How do you know Naruto can teleport other people with his summons?" Neji asked.

"That's none of your business." Tenten hissed back.

It didn't take a genius of observation like Neji to see she was blushing. Amused, Neji let it drop. For now, at least.

Gai ignored the byplay between his students and shook his head. "Alas, I cannot; only the toads are capable of that sort of thing. We would need a youthful summoner of that heritage such as the irrepressible Naruto or the, erm, the Gallant Jiraiya to accomplish that!"

"I don't care." Tsunade said. "Just, you're ninja, figure something out. Just get him." She finished, and Team Gai hustled out before her leaking killer intent spilled out and she took out her anger on them.

"I have an idea." Tenten said. "If it's a toad summoner, there's one more."

"Let's do it." Neji swiftly agreed, equally invested in cutting off a trans-continental super-top speed sprint or whatever else Gai could cook up.

I I I

While Naruto and Orochimaru argued about which one was going to summon the giant animal to transport their group to the North Pole (and there was a sentence only Naruto could have made Sasuke think), the sullen boy turned to the man who was technically his superior.

"Kabuto," Sasuke began, "what the hell did Naruto say to Orochimaru?"

"Well," Kabuto began, "he mentioned that the immortality of Santa Claus would be very helpful for Orochimaru's own search for an eternal body, he described the impenetrable, difficult-to-access fortress which I admit was a rather cunning juxtaposition of his own infiltration, and lastly he mentioned the Perciever Jutsu Santa uses to monitor children. I believe his exact turn of phrase was, 'every naughty child, every cute little psychopath that whacked like six ninja with their bloodline before they even turned ten, the Perceiver can find all of them', or something very similar."

"Hn." Sasuke grunted, even as he jumped onto the giant toad (Apparently Naruto had won on the grounds that human-sacrifice was an incredible hassle and should be avoided).

As space-time distorted around them as the toad teleported, Sasuke couldn't help but think there was more to the plan than Naruto was telling them.

Hell if he was gonna be the one to break it to Orochimaru, though.

I I I

After thirty seconds, Konohamaru finally closed his mouth. "I don't really get it," he said, "but whatever. I'm in. Let's do it."

"Yosh!" Gai roared. "Such fire!"

"Just like that?" Tenten asked.

"I'm gonna see what happens, lemme put it that way." Konohamaru said. With that, he turned, and fluttered through the handseals.

Neji cleared his throat. "How did you come to know Toad summoning, Konohamaru-san?"

The boy shrugged. "Naruto'll teach me anything."

With a great burst of smoke, Gamakichi appeared, the size of a house.

"Hey, bigger-bro!" Konohamaru said.

"Monkey-bro!" The toad responded. "What's going on?"

"Naruto's gotten himself in some goofy mess and these four need us to take them to him." Konohamaru said, gesturing over his shoulder at Team Gai with his thumb. "Think you can take us to Naruto?"

Gamakichi considered that. "I won't have to wear a rabbit costume this time, right?"

Tenten blinked at the apparent non-sequitor, but Konohamaru just shook his head. "Nope."

"Well, then, hop in!" And with that Gamakichi opened his jaw, and Konohamaru unhesitatingly clambered in to the toad's gigantic mouth. He turned to address the ninja behind him. "Careful of the tongue; it's pretty slimey."

Neji stiffened.

"Oh and don't worry, his saliva isn't too caustic."

Tenten whimpered.

I I I

"We good to go?" Jiraiya roared, smiling.

"Yes." Wunorse Openslae said, heavily. "We're... all pre-checks are green. Sir."

"Excellent!" Santa Claus said, jumping up to click his wooden sandles together and spin around in a complete circle while his hair dramatically swept around him, taking the long red cap with it.

"Now, Dasher! Now Donder! Now Prancer and Vixen!"

We're doomed, Pepper Minstix thought. This incredible lurid pink mark could never be scrubbed from the good name of Christmas, no matter what kind of cleaner was used.

"On, Comet! On Cupid! On Donder and-"

"Hold everything!" With that defiant roar, in a flash of alien light, a giant scar-faced toad clenching a pipe in his mouth appeared, and upon his head was perched the voice that cried out defiance against the perverted antics of the fake Kringle, an orange-clad beacon of hope.

"Don't think we'll let this stand!" Naruto shouted. "Together, we'll stop you!"

And, indeed, young Naruto had brought help. Three men, a good-looking dark guy, another harmless-looking glasses guy, and the last was a menacing pale man with a narrow face. But, Pepper thought, the most noticeable thing was definitely the purple rope tied around each, like the bow of a present.

"What!" Jiraiya cried in shock. "Kabuto! Orochimaru! And his little Uchiha too!"

Although Sasuke looked affronted at that, Orochimaru just chuckled. "Ku ku ku... how does it feel, knowing that your little apprentice came to me, your greatest enemy, for help to defeat you, eh, Jiraiya?"

"Eh." Jiraiya shrugged. "Little brat's done way more obnoxious stuff."

"Hey!" Naruto protested.

"But... Gamabunta!" Jiraiya pouted.

The Boss of Toads pulled the pipe from his mouth. "Jiraiya... you've always been my favorite drinking buddy, but as a Santa for my children... I'm sorry. I simply can't allow that."

Jiraiya deflated.

"I'm only doing this because those elves asked me to!" Naruto shouted, pointing.

Jiraiya turned huge watery eyes on Pepper Minstix. "Is this true?"

Without pausing even an instant, the elf replied. "100% yes."

"You guys!" Jiraiya roared. "I'll show you the power of my Christmas, no matter what happens!"

In that instant, another distortion of alien light appeared, and Gamakichi swirled into being, instantly spitting out five ninjas.

"Hey Naruto!" Konohamaru shouted. "Me'n Gai and his team are here to take you in I guess!"

"Wait!" Gai shouted, dramatically throwing his arm up. "Don't jump to hasty conclusions, and first make sure you figure out what's going on!"

After a suitably dramatic pause, Gai dropped his arm to point straight at the group from Hidden Sound. "Enemy!" He shouted, having reached his conclusion.

"Reinforcements!" Jiraiya cheered.

Up on top of the Boss Toad, Orochimaru chuckled again. "Looks like things just got more complicated."

Kabuto sighed. "Please stop saying things as if these events don't involve you."

I I I

Although all five of the other Konoha-ninja were strong, only Gai could hope to match any of the four standing on the Toad Boss's head; his own apprentice was a genius of hard work, but the elite of Sound would do anything for power.

Considering that, Jiraiya knew he would have to strike hard, and fast.

The instant Gamabunta disappeared, the Toad Santa used that instant of chakra flux to mask his own jutsu. He wouldn't be able to catch those before him unaware, exactly, they were too good for that; but he might catch them unsuspecting.

"Ghosts of Christmas no Jutsu!" He shouted, and each of the Sound nin collapsed from the illusion.

I I I

Because it was important, Yakushi-sensei always made time for family traditions. Busy as he was as a medical officer, his family-his son-was important to him.

"Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!" He shouted, even as he hoisted a gray-haired, giggling child over his head, swinging the 7-year-old boy about, before setting him down so he could start opening his presents.

Yakushi Kabuto, right-hand man to Orochimaru, who infiltrated Konoha on the Snake's orders, considered the ghostly image of the past before him; and he pushed his glasses up his nose, hiding his eyes in a gleam of light.

I I I

In the instant Jiraiya cast the genjutsu that snared the three from Sound, even as they buckled from getting caught, Naruto lept forward. "An opening!" He shouted, aiming to kick Jiraiya in the chin.

"Too slow!" Gai corrected, appearing in a haze of pure speed, catching Naruto's leg mid-kick.

In response the real Naruto simply vaulted over his Kage Bunshin, leaping over the surprised elite jounin to strike his own master.

"Naruto-kun!" Lee shouted, and Naruto grit his teeth at yet another interruption. "WHY!"

"Because," Naruto patiently explained, "the elves asked me to, because Jiraiya was going to give all the good kids inappropriate gifts, because he's a pervert."

"That totally makes sense." Konohamaru said, nodding.

"What?" Lee said.

"You don't know Hanabi." The young Sarutobi muttered. "She's cute, but totally bonkers. If Jiraiya were to give her ideas..." He trailed off, and shuddered.

"What was that about my cute little cousin?" Neji asked quietly.

"I said: don't think we'll let you get away with this, Naruto!" Konohamaru shouted, finishing with a decisive fist-pump.

"Traitor!" Naruto shouted as Konohamaru jumped forward to engage.

Even as he blocked his role-model's punch, Konohamaru spoke. "I don't wanna hear that from you!"

Rolling over his friend's kick, Naruto considered that. "Yeah, I guess you got a point."

"An opening!" Jiraiya shouted, before spraying out a frozen stream of air and oddly metallic ice.

Naruto cursed. There was no way he could escape!

I I I

Orochimaru scowled at the scene in front of him, the ghostly image of dirty, starving men and women, dressed in simple rags, running bare-foot through the snow, cheering and laughing, singing Christmas carols off-key and out-of-tune.

"My experiments!" He shouted, clawing helplessly at the ghostly image of Christmas present before him. "My precious specimens!"

The jail-break continued as Orochimaru looked on, helpless.

I I I

"Konohamaru..." Naruto breathed out.

For between Jiraiya and Naruto, there stood a motionless rectangle with the young Sarutobi inside, sealed in the carbonite of Jiraiya's freezing jutsu, mouth opened in a silent scream, with hands thrown up by his sides, mostly-sunken.

"To save me..." Naruto whispered, fist clenched. "Konohamaru! Thank you!" Naruto roared, leaping forward to engage the red-clad Toad Santa, trading twisting taijutsu.

"Such sacrifice! How youthful!" Lee sobbed into his sleeve.

"Don't just stand there!" Neji shouted.

I I I

Sasuke looked on, as Naruto, looking old in the Hokage's robes, stood by as Sakura sobbed against the headstone of a fresh grave, his own name upon it.

"So what." Sasuke said quietly.

His sharingan flared to life, and with it, the whole world blurred, to another graveyard, where a younger Sasuke explained to row upon row of headstones that he was a genin now, he was one step closer, for them.

"I said I'd do anything, and dying is fine, it's worth it, I accept." Sasuke said. "As long..."

The world turned dark, and a pair of huge, sickle-bladed sharingan flashed, in eyes as red as a sea of blood. Challenging him.

"Kai." Sasuke concluded, and the genjutsu was shattered.

I I I

"Hey Naruto!" Tenten shouted, smiling and waving.

"Oh, hey, Tenten." Naruto said. "Listen, I'm sorry but it's pretty nuts right now, I'll explain everything when-"

He stopped when a knife flickered by, slamming into the ground by his foot.

"Because you're my boyfriend, in case you're the real one, I'll only stab you somewhere non-vital, okay?" She said, smiling beatifically.

"Tenten... are you angry about this?" Naruto said hesitantly.

"Nope!" Tenten said. "Well... maybe a LITTLE bit."

Naruto swallowed.

I I I

Gai streaked forward, rocketing towards where Jiraiya was fighting his apprentice, the youthful Naruto. Although it seemed that Naruto was in league with the extremely un-youthful Orochimaru, who betrayed the very idea of youth with his pursuit of eternal youth power. Also Naruto had angered the Hokage over something.

Anyway, Gai just needed to know that he had to subdue Naruto. "Yosh!" He roared as he reaffirmed his convictions.

He barely managed to dodge, flipping over the sword that lanced through where he'd been standing, turning to face the legendary Snake Master.

"Ku ku ku," Orochimaru jeered, somehow managing to talk around the extended tongue gripping the sword, "even dodging my surprise attack, as expected of the taijutsu prodigy of Konoha."

"Orochimaru!" Gai shouted. "If it's a fight, have at you! Youth!"

Gai charged, rocketing forward and around in a devastating spinning kick.

Orochimaru leaned back at an impossible angle to dodge, and in the same motion his tongue whipped up, trying to impale the Green Beast from behind.

But Gai simply twisted, blocking the sword by catching the flat of the blade against the bottom of his sandal, in that same instant arching his back as he swung a brutal backfist towards the snake's face.

But Orochimaru lunged forward, twisting around the blow with inhuman flexibility, wrapping his upper body back around Gai's shoulder, his face inches away from Gai's own, both pairs of eyes challenging each other from mere inches.

Gai's free hand lashed up, catching the tongue even as the tongue tightened around his neck.

"Ku ku ku..." Orochimaru laughed. "Shouldn't you be keeping track of my hands?" Gai's eyes widened in realization.

Pain seared into Gai's side, and he roared, blowing the Snake away with the explosion of power from opening the first gate.

Orochimaru landed hard, and when he stood up, Gai solidly met his stare. Without breaking the gaze, Gai reached around and pulled the kunai out of his side; he'd twisted at the last instant, and the knife hadn't pierced any of his organs. Contemptuously, the Beast dropped the small blade to the ground.

But in that instant Gai sensed a disturbance through the Youth. "Lee!" He shouted, and lept away.

Orochimaru paused, nonplussed. Then he turned back to the battle between Jiraiya and Naruto. The poison would finish Gai, anyway, even if that man's ridiculous constitution meant he'd probably live.

I I I

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto roared, lunging in with a kick.

Jiraiya blocked, spinning around with a knife hand. "Don't call me that!" He roared.

I I I

Neji closed in on the dueling master and apprentice, circling, looking for an opening to dart in and strike a decisive blow.

However, his Byakugan allowed him to see the attack from behind, and he spun, leaping away from the attack; he didn't want to test the Kaiten's defense against the striking power of Chidori.

Arm crackling with lighting, Sasuke slowly stood up in the newly formed crater. "Hyuuga." He said.

"Uchiha." Neji cooly shot back.

Instantly, it was on.

I I I

"Pervert-Santa!" Naruto shouted, blocking Jiraiya's punch and countering with his own.

"Don't call me that either!" Jiraiya roared as he caught the fist and tried to kick Naruto.

I I I

"Yosh!" Lee shouted. "I will be your opponent!"

"How about no?" Kabuto immediately countered.

"EH?" Lee cried, staring in shock.

"I mean, it's true that I'm jounin level," Kabuto said, "but, I'm not really that strong or fast. My best talents are in medical jutsu. I don't really have any hope of defeating you in single combat."

Lee considered that. "Thank you!"

"No problem." Kabuto dryly responded. "So the thing is, my only hope is playing to my strengths, and that's medical jutsu. But, in order to move fast enough to even strike you with them, first I would have to use my medical jutsu to enhance the performance of my muscles and unlock my body's limits."

Lee paused, again thinking about what had just been said. "So... so just do that, then."

Kabuto shrugged. "Okay." Immediately, he launched into a series of handseals.

As soon as he finished, Lee looked around him as he perceived feathers falling all around himself. "What... wha..." eyes rolling back in his head, Lee collapsed unconscious to the ground.

"Sucker." Kabuto muttered.

I I I

"Creepy Kringle!" Naruto accused, spinning head-over-heels to drop a devastating ax-kick.

Jiraiya desperately lunged back to evade. "That one's even worse!" The old man shouted.

I I I

"Tenten," Naruto began, leaping away from a trio of kunai that streaked into where he had been standing only a second ago, "why are you so angry, exactly?"

"Oh, I don't know." She said, all pretense of happiness abandoned. "Maybe because the first person you went to for help was that pack of traitors!"

"Wait, that's what's bothering you?" He said.

Tenten scowled. "Of course!" She gestured over to where what was probably the real Naruto was fighting Jiraiya. "I mean, you actually have a good reason for what's going on over there, but you don't even consider asking me for help? Do you really have that little faith in me? In my ability as a ninja?"

Naruto definitely did not want to say 'but Tenten, you simply aren't strong enough,' so it was lucky for him the real reason was something else.

"I want to be Hokage." Naruto began.

Tenten held up her knives, menace flashing in her eyes.

"Holy smokes, woman!" Naruto shouted. "just, I want you to believe in me, okay? Let me explain." Naruto licked his lips. "Never once have I considered Orochimaru my ally in this. In fact, someone I thought of as an enemy was best."

"I want to be Hokage," Naruto repeated, "But I have to cancel Christmas. That's... that's political suicide! I could never become Hokage if I was responsible for that! So I decided I needed someone else to do it. I considered the Akatsuki, but frankly they're a pack of freak missing nin with freak powers, that have nothing better to do with their time than hang out with Fake Liquid Snake."

"To me, Orochimaru wasn't ever an ally." Naruto said. "Jealous of his old teammate's-Jiraiya's-power, he came to steal it, and that's why Christmas was canceled. How unfortunate." Naruto smiled. "Orochimaru isn't my ally. Orochimaru is my patsy."

"Naruto." Tenten breathed.

"An opening!" Another clone roared, shooting forward to wrench the knife from Tenten's hand, pulling her back and locking her helpless, arching her back painfully.

Tenten grunted. "Be gentle!"

The Naruto in front of her ran a finger along her jaw; when she tried to knee him in the groin he caught her leg and held it. "I think I'm going to be rough, Tenten."

Tenten blushed.

I I I

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto shouted with a punch.

"You used that already!" Jiraiya protested as he blocked. He paused. "And don't call me that!" He roared, shooting in with his own downward chop.

I I I

Neji raised his hands, settling into a solid Gentle Fist stance even as he glared a challenge at Sasuke.

In response, Sasuke flared his chakra, crackling with electricity, smirking contemptuously.

With a sneer, Neji stirred his hands, creating vacuum blades of chakra and extending them from each palm.

With a haughty grunt, Sasuke's chidori took on the shape of a long katana, humming with power.

Each capable of reaching the other, each capable of defeating the other's defenses, the two locked eyes, a stare down to fore the other to acknowledge which one was stronger, and more importantly, which one had the cooler expression.

They were interrupted as potent blue-white power, shaped like lighting, blazed forth from where Jiraiya, now on his knees, had engaged Naruto and Orochimaru in combat.

I I I

"Lee!" Gai roared, descending like an avenging Archon.

Kabuto looked up, and simply smiled darkly, tilting Lee's unconcious head back with his fistfull of hair, delicately touching the blade of the kunai to the boy's throat.

"You're fast, Maito Gai," Kabuto praised, "but not fast enough to stop me from this range, I think."

"You!" Gai shouted. "You really think a Hostage Gambit will succeed against me?"

"Well." Kabuto said. "Honestly, no."

"Eh?" Gai asked.

"But, really, what else am I supposed to do? I mean, I wouldn't have been able to beat your green little student here without a trick, there's no way I can handle you." Kabuto shrugged. "It's not like I want to go through this whole hostage scenario, but frankly, it was the only viable option I had in the limited time before you got over here."

"That's, that's a very accurate analysis. Youth." Gai said.

"So, really, the whole hostage plan is a distraction for me to buy time." Kabuto admitted. "I was thinking it would give me enough of a breather to look around and find another option."

"And have you found any?" Gai asked after a pause.

"Well, I noticed that Orochimaru seems to have stabbed you, but nothing more useful than that." Kabuto said.

"It's just a fleshwound." Gai retorted. "It can't even slow me down." But, Gai reeled, stumbling.

"I know." Kabuto said. "But, since I happen to be a medic nin, I can make a pretty good estimate for the time between when the poisoned kunai was used and the onset of symptoms."

"I... will not..." Gai muttered. "Youth." With that, the Green Beast collapsed unconscious to the ground.

"I'm so lucky he was also an idiot." Kabuto groused, standing up. "That was very close."

"Yeah, you're still not going to kill 'em though."

Kabuto started, and turned. "Naruto. You surprised me."

Naruto shrugged. "Well, I'm just a Kage Bunshin, but still, these two are my friends. I guess."

"Well they're safe with me." Kabuto said, smiling.

"You're really creepy, you know that?" Naruto responded.

"Thank you." Kabuto replied. "Also, I hope you didn't expect that Kage Bunshin sneaking up behind me would get the drop on me, did you?"

"Nah, I'm just getting Gai." That one said. "Because, well, I don't trust you."

Kabuto just shrugged. "No one does." He smiled darkly. "No one wise, at least."

As the first Kage Bunshin picked Lee up over his shoulder, he paused for a moment considering that. "That's on you, Kabuto, and your choices."

Kabuto simply pushed his glasses up his face, hiding his eyes in the gleam of the light reflecting off the lenses.

I I I

"You stupid little ignoramus!" Jiraiya shouted, leaping forward with an open-hand bear-strike.

Naruto rolled out of the way, and Jiraiya launched back, narrowly dodging the sword that shot down between the combatants; Orochimaru swung down, tongue wrapped around the hilt. "As enlightening as watching that was, I thought I'd cut in and take a turn, Naruto-kun."

"Yeah, no problem." Naruto wheezed. Keeping up with the old bastard was hard.

"Thank you." Orochimaru said.

Immediately, the Kusanagi speared through Jiraiya's chest.

"Ganked again." Jiraiya swore, face pale.

"Oh my," the Orochimaru standing between Master and Apprentice said, "you didn't think I was the real Orochimaru, did you?" Then it collapsed, mud splattering across the ground.

Orochimaru laughed as Jiraiya fell to his knees, real and unreserved laughter, and a little unhinged.

Then the lightning came. The light faded, grew soft and indistinct; except for the jagged arcs of power, that launched up from the body of Jiraiya into the waiting form of Orochimaru. "Yes," the Snake breathed, "flow into your new master, you power."

I I I

"And what's that?" Neji mused.

Sasuke grunted.

"That," a Naruto began, "is the culmination of my plan."

"Your plan?" Neji questioned. "You plan?"

"Sometimes." Sasuke said. "If the planets are lined up correctly."

"Hey!" Naruto roared. "Why am I friends with you two if you're always mean to me."

"Didn't I say it before, Sasuke?" Naruto said. "That the Yuletide Chakra would burn up Orochimaru? That wasn't precisely true. But... but it was true that the ability to take in inhuman chakra without being transformed, the power of a Sage, was what protected Jiraiya from truly becoming Santa. Fully embracing your own imperfect self, you can hold onto your own identity even under the transforming force of alien chakra."

Naruto smiled. "And Orochimaru... who went so far as abandoning his own body... is the opposite."

I I I

Inside his own self, submerged in the meat of his own power, the White Snake smiled, curling around this new chakra. "Yes... potent indeed. How magnificent!"

The chakra took the form of the idea of Santa Claus, an old man with a cheery face, round ruddy cheeks and a round white beard.

The tongue of the snake reached out, licking along the face of this new power, and the whole snake shook, scales rattling in the delight of conquering this new power for itself. "Delicious."

"How naive." Santa said.

"What!" The snake said, drawing back. "How can you still exist! This is my world, my will is law!"

"Fool." Santa growled. "The spirit of Christmas is kindness for your fellow man, the spirit of giving. For you, who will only take, and take, there is nothing more alien than that."

Around them, the identities of the bodies Orochimaru has taken stirred, responding to the warmth of the Yuletide Chakra.

One, a young girl that came to Orochimaru for the power to never be afraid, stirred; he had consumed her and added her power to his, preferring her body above all others when he went to confront his old teacher, the Hokage.

"How?" Orochimaru demanded. "How!"

"Santa?" The girl whispered. "I... I tried to be good, but... it was hard..."

"I know, child." Santa said. "I know."

In lurid striped flame, the Yuletide chakra forced away Orochimaru's might, and Santa Claus twisted his neck, cracking the verebrae. "You took, and took, and took, for your whole life, Orochimaru, you thought like a crook. Never once have you embraced goodness for goodness sake'; even when you gave, it was really just so you could take."

"Get back!" The snake hissed. "Get back!"

"And now, once more in your life, you took without pause; you decided to steal the power of Santa Claus." Santa stepped forward, searing the purple chakra wherever he stepped. "Well, now, now you will give. And I will accept that present so dear, Orochimaru, and I'm going to rip off the wrapping paper right here."

"Stop!" Orochimaru seethed. "I order you!"

"That twisted black heart, that was three sizes too small," Santa said, hand shooting out to grip the head of the White Snake.

And his other hand shot out, the Polaris Kung Fu striking 13 vital points, "And that twisted black chakra, I'll gladly take it all."

And the White Snake screamed.

I I I

"Is it over?" Sasuke asked.

Neji considered, veins throbbing as he increased the power of the Byakugan. "Yes." He whispered. "It's... it's over."

And indeed, from his fat stubby toes to his round ruddy nose, with a beard white and all that, with flesh that was hearty and fat, it was Old St. Nicholas standing hale, because Orochimaru was dead as a doornail.

And then, wearing only his grin, in a flash of power he was clothed to cover his skin. A long cap, and that suit, red as red could be, each smart black boot, it was truly Santa you see.

"Ho ho ho," he laughed, full of good Christmas cheer, that instantly gladdened all that could hear.

"Holy Mackerel," Naruto breathed out, leaning against Sasuke for support, "I am so, so glad that worked."

"And what would you have done if it hadn't?" Sasuke asked.

"A Rasengan." Naruto said. "A really, really big one." He turned. "And anyway, I believed that if I forced you to chose between me and Orochimaru, that you'd have my back."

"Hn." Sasuke said.

And, unexpectedly, killing intent poured on the trio of young men.

"You." Tenten seethed.

"Me?" Naruto squeaked.

"Yes, you." She snarled, grabbing his collar, wrenching him away from Sasuke. "What was that tease, huh? At the very last instant, right before we could connect, you just up and cancel. That's bullshit, Naruto. I call bullshit."

"Well this isn't really an appropriate place, don't you think?" He managed.

"One kiss." Tenten continued, ignoring him. "We kiss, it's sweet, and then, reaffirmed, we get right back to work. But no, you had to cancel the Kage Bunshin before we got to have that moment."

"I'm sorry?" Naruto said.

Tenten lunged forward, latching her mouth onto Naruto's, ramming her tongue into his mouth.

Sasuke looked away, awkwardly. He knew it had definitely gone on too long when Neji tried to whistle nonchalantly. Neji was terrible at whistling.

Finally they came up for air. "You're not sorry now, Naruto. But you will be." Tenten said, pushing away, breathing heavily. "Believe it!"

Neji stared after his teammate like she was a complete stranger and he'd never realized it before.

"Congratulations." Sasuke finally said. "You seem very happy together."

"Thanks." Naruto said. "She's really something."

And then Neji looked at Naruto and Sasuke, as if he'd never quite realized they actually were friends before then, either.

I I I

"Well," the Kage Bunshin of Naruto said, leaning back from where it had finished administering first aid to Jiraiya, "looks like the real self is having a lot of fun."

"Yeah." Santa agreed. "Don't think I'm going to forgive what you've done to me, though."

"Oh come on," Naruto argued. "You should totally be thanking me. I pulled you out of Jiraiya and put you in a new body so you can actually be Santa Claus again."

"Don't push it, kid." Santa growled.

"Okay, okay. Gotcha." Naruto said, holding his hands up. "We cool?"

Santa sighed. "We cool." He agreed. "Still... Christmas is ruined."

Naruto shrugged. "You win some, you lose some."

"Actually," Pepper Minstix interjected, "there's still one option left to save Christmas."

"When did you get here!" Naruto demanded.

"I've been here all along, Naruto." Pepper sighed. "I just retreated to cover when the absurd ninja wizard duel began, and came back out during the transformation."

"Oh." Naruto said.

"As I was saying," Pepper said, "There is one option... but we would need an impossible amount of chakra. So much chakra only a jinchuuriki could possibly supply it." With that, he turned and looked questioningly at Naruto.

"Oh man," Naruto whined, "more!" He sighed. "Okay, lemme just send everybody else home, and then... and then I guess I'll save Christmas. AGAIN." With that, the Kage Bunshin canceled itself to let the real self know.

"Didn't even try to refuse." Pepper said, chuckling. "Underneath it all, he's a pretty good kid."

"That he is." Santa agreed. "He's a great guy." Then he frowned. "Don't ever tell him I said that, though, it would go straight to his head."

I I I

"Okay!" Naruto said, clapping his hands together. "Everybody here? Neji, Tenten, Sasuke, you guys got Lee and Gai and Jiraiya? Great! So I still got to help clean up here, I'm gonna just send you right along."

Without even checking to see that they were nodding, Naruto created a Kage Bunshin, and summoned a Toad.

"Have a candy-cane, 'Tatsu!" Naruto shouted, flinging the striped confection into the air.

"Candy!" The humongous toad squealed, and then faster then the eye could see his tongue whipped out, capturing the airborn treat and sucking it back into his mouth.

"All aboard the Christmas Express!" The Kage Bunshin shouted.

"Not again." Neji grumped, as they climbed into the obliging Toad's mouth for transport. He had it worst, having to carry the tallest and most injured casualty, Jiraiya.

"Don't be such a baby." Naruto scolded, dragging Gai along. "Trust me, the slugs are like a hundred times worse."

"Yeah, yeah." Tenten said, rolling her eyes, as she also got settled in, Lee draped over her back. "Just teleport us already!"

"Glad to!" Naruto roared, clapping his hands.

"Wait," Sasuke said, "Why am I going with-"

He was interrupted when the Toad disappeared into the distortion, vanishing from space-time in the alien flash of light.

I I I

"Whew." Naruto said, watching the Toad disappear. "Well. Glad that's handled, good thing I didn't forget anyone."

"Actually." Pepper said, pointing.

"Oh yeah." It dawned on Naruto. "Konohamaru." He considered the silent figure of his frozen screaming friend. "Eh, he'll keep."

"So," Naruto said, turning back to the elf leader, "Where to?"

"Such compassion." Pepper muttered.

"I can handle Konohamaru instead." Naruto offered.

"No, no," Pepper hastily said, "You're right. He'll keep; let's save Christmas."

"Lead the way." naruto cheered.

I I I

Naruto's Kage Bunshin gulped as the Toad's mouth opened.

Tsunade was waiting. And she was totally, totally furious. She was scowling hard, and tapping her foot, and her arms were crossed and her one finger was tapping against her arm, and it wasn't even the same rhythm. Plus she'd brought both Shizune and Sakura along, as like back-up singers, only they would glare and make disapproving noises at him instead of sing.

Well, divide and conquer.

"Merry Christmas, Sakura!" He shouted. And then he pushed Sasuke out of Gamatatus's mouth, and the cool Uchiha stumbled before looking up.

There was a frozen instant, a perfect tableau of gaping, and then-

"Sasuke!" Sakura cried, lunging forward to wrap her arms around her beloved in a teary bearhug.

Sasuke wasn't fooled. Sakura was the most temperamental, unstable, emotional woman he'd ever met. She'd blubber and cry and make him feel like a heel when she had no right to, like she had some sort of claim on him, and then when she was done with that she'd get angry and then the punching would start.

He looked up and narrowed his eyes at the one he considered his best friend. 'I'll get you, Naruto.' He mouthed. 'I swear I'll get you.'

"Ha ha," Naruto said, to hide his genuine fear. Then he turned to Tsunade. A good offense was the best defense. Don't let her start in on him; attack!

"Good news, Baachan!" He said, taking Jiraiya from Neji. "Jiraiya's not Santa Claus any more!" Here he frowned. "Although he did get stabbed by Orochimaru in the process, so there's that you'll need to look at, that's okay because Orochimaru doesn't exist anymore!"

As the last passenger was disgorged, Gamatatsu hastily escaped to Toad Mountain, leaving Naruto to deal with the killing intent still pouring off the Hokage.

"Naruto." Tsunade began. "Give me one good reason, just one, why I shouldn't put you in traction."

"Well," Naruto began. "Like I said, Jiraiya isn't Santa Claus anymore, and that means that like ten thousand thirteen-year-old boys all over the continent aren't going to get 'Icha Icha Kage' staring the Mizukage and you for Christmas tomorrow."

Naruto paused to let that sink in, and as soon as Tsunade opened her mouth Naruto beat her to the draw again. "Also I'm a Kage Bunshin so bye!" And then he canceled himself.

For a moment, no one moved. Then Tsunade clenched a fist. "Dammit Naruto!" She seethed. "I still want to punch you even if I'm feeling super-grateful!"

I I I

"Well that went about as well as I expected," Naruto muttered to himself as he received the clone's memores.

"Hmm?" Pepper said.

"Just talking to myself." Naruto said. "Anyway, what's the plan."

"I want to show you something." Pepper said.

"Yeah, what?" Naruto asked.

"This!" Pepper said, throwing open a pair of doors. Behind them, in a huge cavern, rested a huge contraption, a monstrous thing of steel and sealwork, glowing with unearthly power.

"The Toy Genesis Engine." Pepper Minstix breathed. "It takes the Elves a whole year to create all the toys needed, but with your chakra, it's conceivable you could create the presents as fast as Santa could put them under trees, for the whole night long."

"What ho, Pepper Minstix," shouted a burly elf with ashiny bald head and strong arms, "What brings you here, this Christmas Eve!"

"What ho, Bushy Evergreen," Pepper responded, "The perverted one was defeated, and the true Santa destroyed; and now with the chakra of this young man we might still save Christmas!"

"So as it was written; by our law and our truth, Christmas shall be!" Shouted Bushy in triumph. "Come, young man; and together, I will show you my magic, and together, one and all, we will save Christmas!"

"I believe in you!" Naruto roared. "And as you believe in me, then together we'll save Christmas!"

"Of course these two get along." Pepper moaned.

I I I

"Okay!" Santa shouted. "It's been a long, confusing night that didn't make much sense. But in the end, it's all gonna work out. From the top!"

"Wunorse!" Santa shouted.

"We're all-green, all-green sir!" The elf jubilantly shouted. "You are go go go for takeoff!"

Santa settled himself in his seat, and began the jutsu.

"Now Dasher! Now Donder! Now Prancer and Vixen!"

Humming with power, the sleigh lifted off the ground.

"On Comet, on Cupid! On Dancer and Blitzen!"

Fantastic powers built, and arced, coursing about the sleigh.

"On Rudolph!"

On que, the fantastic doujutsu of the Boss of Reindeer flared, and in a haze of brilliant red light, the sleigh vanished.

Santa Claus was coming to town.

I I I

"Bllurgh." Naruto moaned. He was exhausted; creating thousands and thousands of toys over a period of hours was not fun. And now, he just wanted to go home and sleep. It was about four in the morning.

But he needed to get Konohamaru, and then he needed to get back to Konoha. And he didn't have enough chakra to summon even a tadpole.

He'd have to use Hiraishin. Jiraiya had taught it to him.

Now it took Naruto twelve handseals to use Hiraishin, so he could never use it instantly like the Yellow Flash; and it left him disoriented for a good three seconds or more on arrival, so he couldn't attack or enter combat with it; and his chakra control, while not terrible, wasn't super amazing, so rather than appearing at any one tag, an equal amount of him would appear at every tag, so he could only have one tag at a time. That one tag was sewn inside a pair of his favorite boxers, ones that he really super-liked because of the ramen-bowls on them but that weren't actually that comfortable. Perfect thing to leave stuffed in the back of his dresser.

In essence, to Naruto the Hiraishin was only an escape technique. In any instance where he actually needed it, he'd be abandoning his comrades. That wasn't even an option for Naruto so he never had use for it.

Except for times like know, when he wanted to get back home to Konoha and he didn't have much chakra.

"Hiraishin no jutsu."

When the world stopped spinning, he wondered why he was leaning against the door to Hinata's closet in the Hyuuga House. He was pretty sure his ultra-lucky boxers where in his dresser, not Hinata's closet.

Whatever. He could figure it out in the morning.

He dragged Konohamaru along, swaying back and forth. Absently he realized he was still carrying the bag connected to the in Santa's sleigh that he used to teleport the presents to Santa.

Then he realized he was lost; he'd spent too much time thinking about the bag and not enough about where he was going. The Hyuuga house was frickin' huge.

"Whatever." Naruto groaned. "It's not like they'll care." With that, he collapsed to the ground underneath a Christmas tree and crawled into sack.

I I I

Christmas Morning! A time of giving and companionship, where even the stoic Hyuuga crack smiles and sing songs.

"It's Christmas, it's Christmas!" Hanabi chanted, dragging her father along by the hand as the Hyuuga family entered the parlor where the tree and the presents were kept.

The whole family paused. A strange man mostly inside a bag was snoring away. A pair of legs, with orange pants and ninja-sandles, were sticking out.

It was Neji that spoke. "Naruto... why are you passed out under the Christmas tree."

"Huh?" The bag sat up. There was some fumbling around, and then it was pushed off, revealing a bleary Naruto with absurd hair. He blinked before his eyes focused.

"Oh, hey Neji." He yawned. "Somehow I ended up teleporting into your house when I was finished last night... well, a little earlier this morning. Anyway I crashed and here I am."

"I see." Neji said.

"Yeah." Naruto said. "Oh, I forgot."

He ruffled around in the bag, and finally pulled out a huge conical hat with ridiculous paper streamers and bells.

"Here, I swiped this from Hidden Sound yesterday; it's Orochimaru's hat from when he was in the Akatsuki." Naruto said, handing the absurd hat to Neji.

"Wicked." The Hyuuga prodigy whispered as he settled the, the thing on his head.

Hiashi couldn't entirely hold in the whimper.

Abruptly, a huge metal rectangle clocked on the ground, appearing out of the sealing Naruto had used to hold it. Trapped inside a frozen layer was a young man, clawing desperately for freedom, mouth wide in a rictus of horror.

"Is that... Konohamaru?" Hiashi asked, hesitantly.

"Huh?" Naruto said, turning. "Oh, yeah."

"Oh. Oh!" Hanabi squealed. "ThankyouthankyouTHANKYOU!" She rushed forward, excitedly hopping up and down, before rubbing her cheek against the metal layer on top of Konohamaru's. "Kyaaa!" And then she blushed.

Without even waiting for breath, she hoisted up the whole thing. Cheeks puffed out from effort, she announced, "I'll... I'm going to my room!" Before charging out as fast as she could while loaded down.

"What?" Naruto said.

Hiashi nodded with as much dignity as he could muster before standing and leaving quietly.

His shouting voice could be heard from across the house. "Brother!" A pause. "Somehow my kids already crossed the line to adulthood!"

"Okay. Good to see you guys. Neji." Naruto nodded, and Neji nodded back, setting the bells jingling. "I'll come back for Konohamaru later I guess."

With that, he lifted himself up and walked out the door to the courtyard, before leaping up and bouncing across the roofs to his own apartment.

"But what about me," whispered Hinata.

I I I

Naruto yawned as he opened his door. Then he blinked.

"Hey." Tenten said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "I picked the lock and waited for you, but you were gone so long..."

Naruto ignored her words as his eyes fixated on her body. The super-tight red dress that accented the cleavage of the cut-out; the skirt that was so short it was little more than a belt; and the sheer stockings that came up so high.

She saw him staring. "You like?" She whispered with a breathy, one finger at her lips, pouting.

"Hnng." Naruto agreed. He spun, and stood in his doorway. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL," he shouted, "AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

Then he turned and slammed the door as he rushed into his apartment, where someone was waiting for him.

I I I

**THE END **


	4. 2011

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2011)**

**EPISODE IV**

Twas the night before Christmas in the Hyuuga Main House,

Only Hiashi was stirring, without even his spouse,

Quietly he checked in on each daughter in turn,

So of the terror he was the first to so learn.

I I I

It was a dark and quiet night. The grounds outside were muffled by snow; their where only pale wispy clouds backlit by the moon above. All was silent.

Sometimes, on nights such as this, Hyuuga Hiashi found himself checking on his daughters. When he couldn't sleep, it eased his mind greatly to ensure they were still safe.

And so it was that he slid open the door to Hanabi's room as he sometimes did; to see his youngest daughter sleeping with a peaceful expression, it made the fear from that night unclench.

But when he slid open the door what he saw was not what he had expected.

Looming over his youngest daughter, with a great sack on his shoulder-

with cloven hooves like a goat, covered in matted black fur-

turning to face the opening door, curved horns and a great nose, fanged teeth with a long long tongue sticking out from between-

Hiashi did not hesitate.

He shot forward, Byakugan flaring to life in his head, palms rising up and blasting out a vacuum wave at the chest.

The figure sneered, and with bulging cheeks, sprayed mashed coal into the incoming air shock, and with a rapid set of handseals, ignited it with a katon. The vacuum was consumed by that explosion.

Covering his eyes with his hands, Hiashi none-the-less pressed forward through the fire. With the Byakugan, he could see clearly through his arms and the flames.

The satyr-like figure scooped his daughter Hanabi up into his sack, threw it over his shoulder, and lept away from the scene.

"Guards!" He roared, even as he set off in pursuit.

Christmas Eve, in Konoha.

I I I

Sasuke blackly planned revenge. He had been perfectly content getting in a day of training and then going to bed early, but Kakashi had shown up, cheerfully ignored his protests, and dragged him along to the Christmas party that the Hokage was throwing.

And then as soon as Sasuke had been ensnared, Kakashi himself had fled, the hypocrite.

"Is that Mistletoe up there, Sasuke?" Sakura said, sidling up next to him.

Sasuke did not look up. His gaze did not budge from the cup that had been gripped in his hand all night long. It was still half-full with his first serving of eggnog.

"No." He said.

"Are you sure?" Sakura coyly asked.

Sasuke finally did deign to look up, and raised one sullen eyebrow.

Quickly, Sakura dropped her hand, pretending as if she had not been rapidly swatting at the jounin behind her.

With far more dignity than Sasuke thought he deserved, Yamato lowered his hands from the jutsu hand seal.

Only then did Sasuke look up. A vine of mistletoe had, in fact, grown up along the roof and a set of flowers had bloomed directly over their heads.

Sasuke stared at Yamato.

The jounin did not even blink beneath the Santa cap that Naruto had jammed on his head; but, the almost-involuntary quirk of his lips betrayed his guilt.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Then he shifted to the side as Sakura invaded his personal space.

"Hey guys what's going on!" Naruto shouted, waving his arms. He was suspiciously flushed. He had a great deal of eggnog.

"Naruto." Sakura said. "Shouldn't you go check on Tenten?"

"Na." He warbled. "She's running interference on Lee so he doesn't get any alcohol in him."

Even if Naruto is really annoying, to Sasuke, it was not even a choice between them.

"Hn." Sasuke said, turning his attention to his teammate and cocking an eyebrow. From Sasuke, and those that knew him, such a grunt was even more clear than him directly announcing "I'm interested, so tell me more."

Sakura scowled as Naruto threw an arm over each of his teammates. "Well it all started when Tsunade talked Shizune into-no, no, that's wrong. It all started when Gai said, Gai said his whole team should come to the party, but Neji couldn't cuz the Hyuuga always have like a big dinner together, but Kakashi was only here for like, three minutes, so after I told Gai that, Gai figgured he should spend Christmas Eve with his Rival, so-"

"Thank you." Sasuke interrupted.

"No problem!" Naruto agreed. "Anyway where was I?"

"You were going to go check on Tenten?" Sakura sweetly asked.

"Tenten! Right!" Naruto said. "Thanks, Sakura, I kinda lost my thread there. In fact one time I recall I had a loose thread in my pocket, so every time I put in shurikan in there it would get all tangled up, and whoa it's happening again."

With an immense scowl, Naruto paused and collected his thoughts.

"Neji and Gai were busy. Tenten blocking Lee." Sasuke helpfully prompted.

"Right!" Naruto cheered. "Anyway Tsunade figgered if she got Shizune drunk then she could get drunk too, so I spiked the eggnog for 'em."

"I noticed." Sasuke muttered.

"So that's why Shizune is passed out under the desk." Naruto finished. But, after ending his anecdote, he simply kept talking. "Anyway Tenten is keeping Lee from getting any alcohol in him, and Tsunade's taking all challengers in drinking contest."

Naruto frowned mightily. "I don't think she quite realized how Shino and Kiba spend their socilaizing time, so those three are passed out too."

Naruto dropped into intense pondering. Sasuke carefully shifted so that Naruto would stop sliding forward along his shoulder. "Anyway then I got to thinking that-woah." Naruto blinked.

With a sigh, he straightened up, the blush on his cheeks receded. He closed his eyes and rolled his neck. "Okay, I just got a message from a Kage Bunshin."

He set his cup down, and swung his arms, rotating his shoulders. "Yamato!" He shouted. "Gather up all the jounin that are still sober! We've got an unknown bogey at 10th-and-Conifer streets."

Yamato snapped a salute, and darted off.

"Sakura, go let Lee and Tenten know." Naruto ordered.

With a firm nod, all business now, Sakura also set off.

"Are you good to go, Naruto?" Sasuke asked quietly.

"Yeah, I'm cool." He said.

"Really?" Sasuke pressed. "You're not lying to yourself that you're good for this?"

Naruto snorted. "Yeah, about that. Do you still call it cockblocking if it's on a woman?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Yes I was exaggerating for effect." Naruto chuckled. Then, he pushed his fist out in Sasuke's direction.

After a short, resentful pause, Sasuke raised his fist and bumped it against Naruto's.

"Time to work." Naruto announced.

I I I

With a baying laugh, the satyr blocked Hiashi's palm strike, swinging his head down, around and up.

Grimly, Hiashi darted away to evade getting gored on those horns.

Without pausing, the fur-covered figure spun about, hands up in handseals, spraying more burning coal in an arc to ward off the pair of Branch guards that had tried to strike from behind.

Kneeling on a roof above that open street intersection, Naruto rubbed his chin as he considered the scene spread out below him. At his back Sasuke stood with his arms crossed, frowning as he stared down at the tableau with his Sharingan spinning.

Next to them, Neji quietly explained what they knew-or more appropriately, what they didn't know.

Village, unknown. Identity, unknown. Motive, all unknown.

All they knew was that sack tied to his back was the gate of some kind of space-time fuuinjutsu, and he'd passed Hanabi through to the other side of it.

With a sneer, the satyr snapped his fingers, and a staff-a ruten-appeared in his hand. Birch boughs bound together, it expertly swung it around, threatening everyone that got too close.

"In short, the only thing we're sure of is, he's strong." Neji concluded, as they watched him hold off three Hyuuga jounin simultaneously.

"So he escaped the seal, huh." Naruto muttered to himself. "Neji. That guy... is strong. Tell everyone to retreat; I'm the only one that can handle him."

Neji nodded, and shot off.

"Sasuke. Wait for it, and if you see a good opening, skewer him." Naruto said.

Naruto stood, and gathered his chakra.

With a leer, the head of that satyr turned to face him.

"KRAMPUS!" Naruto shouted. "YOUR OPPONENT IS ME!"

I I I

Hiashi backpedaled sharply.

So did Krampus.

The Rasenshurinkan shot before them, and the terrible disintegrating wind exploded into a sphere between them.

Even through the haze of distorted chakra, Hiashi reveled in the scowl of fear that crossed this Krampus's face.

Then Naruto was on him.

A furious series taijutsu series, perfectly supported by two Kage Bunshin. Every opening was protected by a clone; every opening that one created, another exploited.

From playing with jounin, this satyr was immediately forced on the defensive.

With a mighty frown, it formed handseals, sacrificing its body to take two blows, a kick into the thigh and a punch to the ribs. But then it sneered, blowing out a great fog of coal dust.

With a sneer, Krampus coiled and snapped his tongue, and a spark of flame shot out.

The coal dust did not so much burn as explode. Hiashi could see the shockwave from the pressure from of super-heated air, even as it smashed into Naruto and forced him back; if his Kage Bunshin hadn't sacrificed themselves as shields, it would have been a lethal blow.

But, he could also see the fierce expression of concentration on the face of the beast.

That hadn't been an attack; simply a diversion to create space for some other jutsu.

"Naruto!" Hiashi shouted in warning.

Dimly, Hiashi was aware of Sasuke charging in from the flank, arm blazing with lightning.

"Oh no you don't!" Naruto hollered, grimly charging forward, reaching for Krampus.

Even as his hand closed in the matted fur of that beast's left forearm, the spatial distortion widened.

If blurred, flickered, and then snapped shut, a twist of space that sucked away Krampus-and Naruto with him.

For a single moment, everyone paused, watching. Wisps of burning coal dust fluttered in the street. There was no wind; the only sound on the air was the electric chirping of birds that had not swooped down in time.

Sasuke cleched his fist, and the sound of those birds rose in pitch. "Dammit." He growled.

I I I

"Neji!"

"My rival!"

Neji turned to face his teammates. They were bounding across the roofs towards them.

"Where's Naruto?" Tenten shouted as she took one final leap to land before him.

Neji shook his head. "We don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Tenten demanded.

"Teleportation." Sasuke said, walking up. "That Krampus guy used some sort of spatial tear to escape to somewhere else, and Naruto jumped in after him."

"Can we follow after them?" Tenten asked.

Sasuke shrugged, uncertain. "If Neji saw the handseals-"

"I did." Neji confirmed.

"-then I might be able to reproduce the jutsu." Sasuke finished. "Maybe I could use it to re-open the same distortion and trace along their path, but..." he shook his head. "That's not even close to guaranteed."

Sakura tapped her chin. "Well... in the hospital we have to isolate our seal arrays to prevent resonance between the medical arrays and whatever tags people are carrying around."

Sasuke nodded. "Can you set that up around the perimeter?"

Sakura scowled. "Not medical quality, but... I can at least slow down the signature decay."

"Do it." Sasuke ordered. "Neji, let's go work on that jutsu."

Tenten bit her lip, feeling lost. Although she was excellent at operating sealing tags, she had very little theoretical knowledge-she had been able to follow the conversation, but she was at the level of knowing that she was too ignorant to help.

There was nothing she could do to help Naruto.

If only she could snap her fingers and appear at his side...

"Huh." Tenten said. "Lee. Come with me."

Lee, who was looking profoundly confused as he tried to figure out what Sasuke and Sakura had been talking about, immediately snapped to attention. "Yes! Tenten, what is it?"

"I have an idea." Tenten said.

I I I

With a twinkle in his eye and cheer on his face

It was Santa Claus who climbed out of the fireplace

With all the good little children tucked safe in bed,

It was Kris Kringle opened his mouth and said,

"I wonder why they even have fireplaces around here." With a thoughtful shrug, he silently walked over to knock back the glass of milk. While munching on the first cookie, he considered. "I mean, it's not even that cold in the first place in Suna." He nibbled thoughtfully. "And firewood must be pretty hard to get ahold of."

He carefully knelt, and began unpacking presents under the tree.

"Of course, it didn't seem very used. Probably something the builders put in without really thinking about it."

Santa shrugged, and put his finger along his nose and vanished with a poof; and in that instant, appeared next to his sleigh on the roof. "How are we for time?" He asked.

"We're ahead of schedule this year." Rudolph said. "We're about 90% done with this village, and on track to finish off the Sand country in good time."

"Alright." Santa said, surveying the moonlit canyon full of stucco and brick; Sunagakure, the Village Hidden in the Sand.

He bent over the sleigh, and with a grunt, heaved a fresh sack over his shoulder.

There was an explosion behind him.

Santa closed his eyes.

A fearsome cackle that pastward did hark.

"KRAMPUS!" Rang out a voice in the dark.

An angry shout in a voice that he knew.

"Oh no." Santa groaned, sounding blue.

I I I

Naruto grunted, spinning around and lashing with a hook kick, hiding the draw with his right hand.

He jabbed forward with the knife he'd palmed, but Krampus deflected it with a savage blow.

With a sneer, Krampus shot forward, whipping his head around.

Naruto crossed his arms, absorbing the shock of the headbutt on his forearms.

Skidding back, he used the opening to form a Rasengan between his hands.

When Krampus tried to follow up, he halted his backwards slide with a strong stamp and pushed his attack foward towards Krampus's chest.

Over-balanced, Krampus caught Naruto by the wrists, struggling to prevent the spiral bullet from scouring away his chest.

The two wrestled back and forth.

Abruptly Krampus laughed, and lashed his tongue out at Naruto's face. While Naruto closed his eyes and dropped his head forward to block with his forehead protector, Krampus leaped away.

They had both sensed him coming. "Naruto", Santa asked, crossing his arms as he scowled down at the pair faced off in the street below him, "what on earth is going on here?"

"I'm not sure." Naruto said. "He showed up and kidnapped Hanabi."

"Then..." Santa said, trailing off.

"Yeah. No idea." Naruto said. "But first things first."

Krampus slinked backwards, eyes flicking from Naruto to Santa.

"His endurance is crazy." Naruto said, shaking his head. "It's like fighting a tailed beast."

"Careful." Santa cautioned, sinking into a fighting stance. "He's looking nervous."

Naruto grunted. "With you here he's gonna-"

With a roar, Krampus hunched over, and chakra poured from his crouching form. And then it bubbled up, a shroud like expanding fur that blanketed him around him. And grew.

And grew, lashing wildly.

With a feral roar, Krampus sat back on his haunches and screamed, echoing out in the night. Even nearly sitting, his shoulders were level with the roofs of the buildings around him. Both size and chakra output had vastly increased.

Crazed, berserk eyes turned to glare at Santa Claus.

"He's gonna do that." Naruto finished.

An arm bigger than a cypress shot forward, smashing into the roof where Santa had been standing.

In a twirl of snow, Santa shunshined next to Naruto. "If you can keep him busy-"

"On it." Naruto cut in, leaping forward. With a great cry, hundreds of bunshin popped into existance, and rushed Krampus from every angle.

Santa slapped his palms together and began his jutsu.

I I I

"Temari." The Kazekage began.

Temari shook her head. "I have no idea, Gaara."

I I I

Tenten tapped the window again, hitting it as hard as she dared.

Finally, she got a reply.

"Hanabi, give it a rest." The plaintive voice called out.

"It's Tenten, not Hanabi." She called back.

There was a pause, and then the window clicked and slid up, and Konohamaru leaned out, blinking. "Tenten? What are you doing outside my apartment at one in the morning?"

"I need a toad to reverse-summon to where-ever Naruto is." She said.

Konohamaru's face darkened as he frowned. "I don't want to."

"How unyouthful!" Lee shouted from behind Tenten.

Konohamaru flinched. "Lee! What, when did you get here?"

Lee ignored him. "When the hip Naruto needs your help, to not extend your hand! Truly, I have misjudged you!"

"Wait, wait." Konohamaru said, waving his hands. "What do you mean, he needs help?"

"Some monster guy named Krampus showed up and got in a fight with Naruto and they teleported away." Tenten explained in a rush. "So if we're gonna back him up we need to be able to teleport to where he is."

Konohamaru sighed, rubbing his face. "That's different, then. Okay, lemme go put on my sandals and we'll get going."

There was a pause, and finally Tenten spoke.

"Konohamaru, why did you think I wanted to reverse-summon to where Naruto was?"

There was a muffled cuss as Konohamaru slipped, before finally he shouted back. "You know, gramps used to say that smart people always knew the right thing to say, but that wise people always knew when to say nothing."

Tenten frowned. "Konohamaru."

"I'm not saying jack." Konohamaru announced. "Now lemme summon a toad and we'll be on our way." Before she could finish, he began his handseals, and slammed them into the ground.

When the smoke cleared, a pair of wizened old toads were sitting on the roof in front of them.

"Gramps, Gran." Konohamaru greeted. "Merry Christmas."

"And a Merry Christmas to you too, Konohamaru-kun." Shima relplied, smiling. "I'm certain you have an important reason to summon us at this hour."

Fukasaku grunted agreement.

Konohamaru nodded with a sickly smile. "So first, it's Naruto's trouble, I'm just helping. Why don't you explain, Tenten?"

"Huh? Me?" Tenten said.

Shima turned to face towards the girl, her smile softening into something less threatening. "Oh, so you're Tenten! I've heard so much about you from Naruto's friends."

Tenten swallowed. "Really."

"All positive, of course." Fukasaku cut in.

"Of course." Tenten repeated.

"Now what was that about Naruto having some troubles?"

"Yosh!" Lee cried, striking a pose with his arms. He wasn't sure what was going on, but his instinct was saying his friend Tenten needed rescuing, so he just jumped in and explained the situation as best he could.

With a solemn nod, Fukasaku crossed his arms. "I don't really get it, but alright! We'll go to where Naruto is."

With that, the grandfather of the toad way started up the reverse summoning jutsu.

I I I

"Is everyone in place?" Santa shouted, fingers bound in the semifinal handseal.

Next to him, Rudolph nodded. "Ready!"

"All right!" Santa nodded. "Then let's finish this!"

"Now, Dasher!" A blaze of bright Christmas-red chakra lit up, in the distance.

"Now, Dancer!" A second pillar of chakra.

"Now, Prancer and Vixen!" Three and four; the formed an asymmetric box around the raging Krampus.

On, Comet! On, Cupid!" With five and six, the square became a hexagon, still lopsided.

"On, Donder and Blitzen!" Seven and eight; now, the octogon with Krampus in the middle had formed the correct shape.

"Naruto! Get out!" Santa commanded. In that instant, all but one Naruto simply burst into smoke, and the last one vanished into a shunshin, appearing behind Santa.

With a triumphant shout, Santa slammed the last handseal in place. "Eight Reindeer All-Present Containment Seal!"

Ribbons of power, held taunt between the eight reindeer, snapped inwards, binding around Krampus, seizing his motions, dragging him down.

Krampus buckled, and screamed. Placing his hands on the ground, he arched his back mightily.

And the ribbons of Yuletide chakra strained, and broke.

"What happened!" Naruto shouted.

"I don't understand!" Santa said. "This is the supreme wrapping technique of the mascots of Christmas! Anything that is 'present' would be sucked in and sealed up!"

Naruto frowned. "Didn't Jiraiya change the official mascot animal of Christmas to toads like two years ago?"

Santa froze. "Oh, crap!" He cried.

With a roar, Krampus shook his head, and chakra peeled off and floated around him in great splinters, that collapsed into black spheres.

And the spheres of compressed chakra gathered at his open mouth.

"Menacing Ball." Naruto swore.

"Rudolph!" Santa shouted. "With your eyes so bright, won't you teleport us away to night!"

"Where?" The boss of the reigndeer replied, even as his eyes began to gather glowing power.

"Anywhere but here!" Santa replied.

"Got it!" And with a great distortion of light, Rudolph swallowed everyone around him-Santa, Naruto, and Krampus-into his spacial distortion jutsu.

I I I

Sasuke's eyes snapped open. "Alright, I think I've got it."

Neji nodded. "Then, let's go."

Sasuke grunted, and his hands went through the handseals. "We're going."

There was a curious, nauseating sensation, like gravity was pulling them in every way at once and his sense of balance was being contradicted, and then Sasuke stumbled as reality realigned.

His eyes swept across the broken scene. Smashed buildings around them, windswept cliffs above them.

"What happened here?" Sakura said. "It looks like a bomb went off."

Neji's eyes snapped to the side.

"What happened... I'd like to know, too." Gaara said, as he floated out of the shadows towards them, suspended on a great raft of flying sand.

"Hi Gaara." Sakura said weakly.

"I'd like to know things like, why was Naruto fighting a giant monster in the middle of my village." Gaara continued, speaking flatly. "Do you know why?"

"We can explain." Sakura said, soothingly. "Just... just ease up on the sand, okay."

"Hn." Sasuke said, glancing over his shoulder. "Wasn't him."

"Oh?" Gaara responded.

Neji clicked his tongue and shrugged slightly, an expression like, 'what can you do' implied by his eyebrows.

"I see." Gaara said.

Sasuke nodded absently as his sharingan studied the surroundings. "Naruto followed."

"Hmph." Gaara looked up at the sky, studying something only he seemed to see. "Carry on then." With that, his raft of sand rotated and floated back into the shadows.

"What just happened?" Sakura finally asked.

Neji frowned. "We explained the situation to Gaara."

Sakura considered the exchange she'd just witnessed. "No, you didn't."

Sasuke sighed.

Neji grunted an affirmation.

Sakura scowled. "What just happened."

"I'm going to try to follow the next jump." Sasuke said.

I I I

With a wobble of light, space expanded. A great monster appeared, throat engorged with power.

It roared, and a great beam of energy poured out and seared outwards, shearing off the top of a mountain.

"Where are we?" Santa demanded.

"Hidden Cloud!" Rudolph shouted back.

Santa considered that. "That isn't better!" He cried.

"It was the best I could do on short notice!" Rudolph defended.

"We've got to end this quickly." Naruto cut in. He considered the rampaging beast towering over them. The best choice was...

With eight handseals, he slapped the ground with a surge of chakra.

Three great toads appeared in a flash of light. With another handseal, three Kage Bunshin appeared; one stayed with Santa, while another went to each of the sons, and the real body moved for the center patriarch toad.

"Bro!" Gamakichi shouted. "Whassup?"

Naruto lept to the head of the central toad. "Boss! Bros! We need to pin this guy down!"

Gamabunta unslung his short sword, and raised it between him and Krampus. "Got it."

He lept, and Naruto grunted, struggling to keep his balance as they accelerated into the sky.

"Falling toad star!" Gamabunta shouted, drawing the attention of Krampus as his blade swund down for the monster's neck.

With a cackle, Krampus caught the knife in his teeth, his tongue sticking out to wrap around Gamabunta's wrist. His hands grappled at Bunta's legs, trying to pick his feet out from under him and roll him forward to the ground.

But Bunta was the distraction.

Gamatatsu pressed himself to the ground, preparing his body like the cradle of a cannon, and his tongue shot outward with the power of an artillary piece, slamming into Krampus from the side and binding his hips.

Gamakichi lept sideways and in, grappling at Krampus from the other side to capture him in a pincer.

"Alright!" Naruto shouted.

"Naruto! What's going on!" Tenten demanded.

Naruto started. "Konohamaru! What are you doing here?"

With a sniff, Konohamaru turned, looking away.

"Oh... right." Naruto said, with a sigh.

"Naruto." Tenten said.

"Tenten!" Naruto smiled. "What are you doing here?"

"We came to back you up." Tenten said. "But if you don't need our help..."

"No, no. Glad to have you." Naruto said hastily, nodding to the toad grandparents and waving at Lee. "Careful!" He shouted.

With a scream, Krampus shook, and Bunta swayed crazily, nearly throwing the assorted ninja's off his forehead.

Naruto cocked his head, before forming the handseal and creating a Kage Bunshin, before leaping off behind them.

"Naruto!" Lee said, getting ready to follow.

"Calm down!" Naruto's Kage Bunshin said. "I'll explain!" He waved his hands as they swayed crazily. "Never mind, not enough time!" He shouted.

"Then sum up!" Tenten demeanded.

"Um..." Naruto said, frowning. "Need one more... Fukasaku! I need the big scroll!"

"You sure, kiddo?" The wizened old toad said, furrowing his great eyebrows.

"Trust me!" Naruto shouted.

With a grunt, the toad slapped his hands together and then against Bunta's head beneath them, and a great armored scroll appeared.

"Tenten," he said, taking her hand between his, kneeling in front of her. "I'm sorry I didn't talk you through this, but I need you to say yes, okay?"

Tenten stared down at Naruto, on his knee in front of her, with her hand in his, and blushed. "What?" She finally asked.

"You trust me, right?" Naruto demanded, staring directly into her eyes.

"Yes." Tenten responded.

"Okay." He sighed. "This is a big step. Sorry I didn't let you prepare." With that he leaned forward, placing his lips against her thumb.

Tenten swallowed.

And then sharp pain struck her thumb.

"Did you just bite me Naruto!" She demanded.

"Yes!" He said, pushing the scroll open, and dragging her hand-first towards it. "Here we go!" He shouted, pressing her hand into the opened scroll.

"Summoner contract accepted." Fukasaku announced.

"What just happened!" Tenten demanded.

"I'll explain later!" Naruto said. "But right now the important thing is, we've got eight toad contractors! We need to surround Krampus!"

He stood, pointing as they swayed crazily as Krampus struggled beneath them. "All you gotta do is raise your chakra, don't mold it or anything! I'll handle the rest!"

I I I

"Okay, so like, maybe if I sat on your shoulders?" Naruto said.

Santa shook his head. "I dunno if that would work."

"Oh come on!" Naruto shouted. "What about piggy-back!"

"You couldn't do the handseals!" Santa replied. "I'm not thrilled about it either! But if we're gonna do a combination jutsu it's the only way!"

Naruto grabbed the man in red by his lapels. "You cannot tell anyone. Absolutely no-one!"

"I was gonna say the same thing to you!" Santa replied, slapping Naruto on the head. "But we're running out of time!"

"Aright." Naruto said, running his hands through his hair, gaze darting over to the toads holding the struggling Krampus in place. And the smaller toads and humans darting around them.

"Looks like they're in place." Naruto said. "Let's do it."

Santa grunted, and dropped down to sit cross-legged on the ground, with his hands resting on his knees. "And what would you like for Christmas young man?"

"Oh har har." Naruto said, dropping down to sit in Santa's lap. He grunted, nearly headbutting Santa as he swung around to free up his arms to from a chakra-accumilating handseal. "Alright!" He shouted. Chakra swirled around him, lighting up their surroundings.

Santa breathed out, focusing the Yuletide chakra, sychronizing it with Naruto, as he reached around Naruto's head to form the handseals. Naruto's chakra shifted color, fluctuating back and forth, before finally switching completely to a bright Christmas green.

"Take Two!" Naruto shouted.

Santa finished the preperation and announced the jutsu. "Eight Toad All-Present Containment Seal!"

With a bright-green Christmas chakra, Gamabunta lit up. Then 'Tatsu and 'Kichi; and then Shima and Fukasaku; finally Konohamaru and Tenten.

Five toads and three toad summoners; an octogon of yuletide chakra sprung up, tight ribbons of power.

The ribbons grew strong, and taunt; and then snapped inward, lashing against Krampus, binding him. He struggled and fought, but he was dragged against all his effort, a quiltillation in space where he was compressed down into one point.

"Fuuin!" Santa shouted, finishing the seal and dragging the single point through his hands and into his open mouth.

I I I

Krampus snarled. His tongue lolled obsenely out of his mouth, his goat-like legs kicking worthlessly against the chains binding him in place. Suspended between two great pine trees, growing up from the inner snowfield of the mind of Santa Claus.

Santa sighed. "I'm sorry."

Krampus sneered.

Santa's shoulders slumped. "I didn't... I didn't want this for you. We were a team, that's true." He shook his head. "But I couldn't let... I couldn't just wait as you stained your heart with hate."

He continued. "The spirit of Christmas is rewarding what's nice."

With a heavy pause, Santa continued. "But the naughty must pay the price. I'm not that thick. That if I was the carrot, than you were the stick."

Santa sighed. "But you were dragged into hatred's dark cycle. Your eyes lost their twinkle and sparkle."

"The spirit of Christmas is no longer, to punish what's bad." Santa said with conviction. "The goodness in all hearts, that everyone's had. The goodness, no matter how small, that is within us all."

"So... rest, old friend." Santa said, as Krampus's struggles softened. "Rest."

I I I

With a sigh, Santa opened his eyes, rubbing his face with his mittens, sitting on the ground.

"You okay, old man?" Naruto said, hands on his thighs as he leaned over Kris Kringle.

"I feel hearty and fine." Santa said. "Just a little worn by time."

"Well if you're sure." Naruto said, jaunting upright. "In that case we're out of here!"

With that, he walked over to the group from Konoha. "Okay!" He shouted. "I see Lee grabbed that sack Krampus had. Good! Let's vamoose!"

"What's the rush." Tenten dryly said.

"Raikage's gonna show up sooner 'n later." Naruto said.

"Yeah let's get out of here." Tenten agreed.

"Hey Bunta!" Naruto shouted. "Let's go to Konoha!"

I I I

With an alien flash of light, a great toad appeared in the courtyard of the Hyuuga main house.

Guards spilled out of the side buildings as Naruto and Tenten lept down from on top of Gamabunta's head, with Lee and Konohamaru behind them. The instant they were gone, the Boss Toad vanished to regroup with his family on the mountain.

Hiashi was sitting on the porch, arms crossed and back stiff. "Naruto." He began.

"We won." Naruto replied.

Hiashi relaxed like a bow string getting unhooked. "I see." He carefully reached into his lapel, and pulled out a wrapped rectangle. He unwrapped it, revealing a framed portrait of Hizashi smiling.

The dam broke. "Brother!" He shouted, sobbing against the picture pressed to his face. "The kids are safe!"

"Okay." Tenten said into the pause following that.

"Lee? You wanna do the honors?" Naruto said.

"Yosh!" Lee cheered. He set the sack down, and reached carefully inside, and pulled Hanabi out of the bag, carefully cradling her in his arms.

"Hwaa?" Hanabi grumbled, rubbing her eyes. "Izzat you, Konohamaru?"

Beside Lee, Konohamaru blinked, and leaned to whisper at Tenten. "What was Hanabi doing in that bag?"

Tenten whispered back. "Krampus kidnapped her, remember?"

Konohamaru shot her a look. "You didn't tell me that."

Hanabi sighed, eyelids fluttering as she looked up into the face of the man that had swept her off her feet, her hero, her slave, Konohamaru-

Lee's teeth went ping as he returned her smile.

With a great skreech, Hanabi bucked, throwing her self out of the grip of the Beautiful Beast. "Wha-wha-what!" She demanded.

"Konohamaru!" She sobbed, shooting forward, slamming him to the ground, before curling up on his legs, "Konohamaru you have to believe it wasn't my idea I'm sorry!"

Konohamaru looked skyward. "I'm sure it wasn't Hanabi." Hesitantly, he patted her on the back. He stopped though when she started purring.

He narrowed his eyes over Naruto's head.

"Is it just me or is Konohamaru really pissed at you?" Tenten whispered to Naruto.

Naruto chuckled. "Yeah, he hasn't forgiven me for the whole carbonite thing."

"Still?" Tenten said, blinking.

"Well, not so much the carbonite thing, as much as the 'convincing him it was 10,000 years in the future' thing when I did unfreeze him." Naruto admitted. "I got Ino to help with costumes and Sasuke to use genjutsu on him so he'd think the moon was broke. It was great."

Naruto frowned. "Lee, what are you doing?"

"Yosh!" Lee said, reaching into the bag again.

"That's not an answer Lee." Naruto accused.

With a flourish, Lee swept his arms out of the bag-revealing Hinata, bound and gagged. Casually, he pulled down the gag, and started undoing the bindings.

"Naruto," Hinata began, "you saved m-"

"Hinata!" Naruto shouted, surprised. "What were you doing in that bag?" He paused, brow knit. "Wait, did Krampus kidnap you too!" He said, turning to look at Hiashi.

Hiashi shrugged.

"Oh, well..." Hinata sighed. "Thank you anyway."

"Sure, no problem." Naruto said. "Well, it's getting pretty late."

"Yosh!" Lee shouted, striking a pose. "Truly, a good night for all, and to all a good night!" With that, he vanished in a swirl.

"Come on, Konohamaru, you can stay in my room!" Hanabi said shyly, tugging him along by the hand. "I've got a frame that's just the right size for you!"

"What?" Konohamaru began as he was dragged away.

Naruto clapped his hands. "Well, that's great. Now that we've cleared up all the loose ends, I'm gonna go home." He smiled, and tugged on Tenten's hand. "Come on, let's go."

"Alright." She said, and the two leapt onto the roof, leaving together.

"Make sure you turn off the lights when you leave, Hinata." Hiashi said, standing and turning to go inside himself.

Hinata sighed. "Merry Christmas everyone."

I I I

With a great strain, Sasuke heaved open the second portal, and spilled out into reality with Neji and Sakura in tow.

The scenery around them was wreckage, flattened ruins in a valley; and the mountain beside them was glowing cherry-red where the top half seemed to have been melted flat off.

"YOU!" With a great roar, a huge, musclular man seethed as he crashed into the ground beside them, pointing at Sasuke with his one arm, wreathed in lightning. "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!"

"What?" Sasuke managed, before the Raikage was upon him.

It was the last word he managed to squeeze in until some time had passed.

**THE END**


	5. 2012

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2012)**

**EPISODE V**

I I I

All the ninjas in Konoha loved Christmas a lot.

But Danzo, who lived under Konoha... did NOT.

"I hate Christmas", he said, resting his face on the palm of his hand.

In his underground lair he seethed and he sputtered.

"The whole holiday season". He added, for the sake of his indoctrinated band.

Slumped in his chair he groaned and he muttered.

"Kind emotions and good cheer," He seethed, "Are a distraction for ninjas who should only cause fear."

Some said the count of his eyes was one too few;  
>But actually the count was too many; it's true!<br>Other said his war-wounds just ached from the cold.  
>But his jutsus could warm him even if he was old.<p>

"A distraction that makes us all fools." He darkly added, "For the sake of the village, ninjas are tools."

But for good little ninjas with Sharingans turning,  
>Their eyes would show them with instant learning:<br>The reason Danzo was off on this hating Christmas lark,  
>Was because his chakra was two shades too dark.<p>

"If only we could remove this unnecessary thing," He wished with a sigh, "Think of all the revenue another workday would bring."

With with eye on the goal, Danzo began planning a plan he thought most cunning.

"For the sake of Konoha..." He planned with malice, "I must stop Christmas from coming!"

But if you asked Naruto he'd say it was so dumb it was stunning.

I I I

Naruto pasted a sick smile on his face with an act of will, even as he suppressed a flinch running up his spine.

"So you want to be Hokage, huh?" The guy beside him asked, with a neutral voice.

Naruto desperately wished he could remember this guy's name. They had been introduced once, and he'd forgotten, and there was no-one he could ask without causing trouble.

Across from him, smiling serenely as her father continued to grill Naruto, Tenten merely looked on, saying nothing.

"Yes." Naruto said. "That's my dream."

"Hmm." The guy dragged out his grunt out. "Won't that take up so much time you won't be able to do anything else?"

Under the table, Naruto clenched his fist around his thigh to stop himself from jumping.

Because, there was a foot brushing along the inside of his knee, having worked up his calf, rubbing against his legs.

Naruto shot Tenten a black look, and although she didn't say anything, although she didn't admit anything, the light blush across her cheeks already told Naruto that yes, it was definitely on purpose.

"I don't think so." Naruto said, forcing himself to pick the thread of the conversation up again. "I'm pretty good at delegating."

"Hey Naruto!" With that announcement, another Naruto walked up.

"Yeah?" The seated Naruto gave the man beside him an apologizing look before turning to address the Naruto that spoke to him. "What's up? You couldn't cancel?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nah, it's just... you know how we were trying to get Sai drunk?"

"Yes." Naruto said, even as Tenten muttered "what" behind him.

"Well, he's definitely hiding something, so I thought I'd let you know."

"Cool." Naruto nodded. "Keep me posted, okay?"

"Sure." The other Naruto said, before turning to walk off.

The man beside him nodded solemnly. "So by delegating you meant that you were good at Kage Bunshin, huh?"

"...Yeah, that's also true." Naruto finally decided on, his smile freezing for a moment, before shooting a black look at Tenten.

"Sounds good!" The man cheerfully announced, before standing up and dropping his napkin on the empty plate. "Well, I'm gonna go catch up with the other guys from the metal-working district."

Naruto blinked at the sudden change in the man's demeanor, now that the interrogation had apparently ended.

"Just-" He paused, and Tenten quizzically met his eye. "Make sure you use protection, alright?"

While Tenten sputtered, Naruto smoothly responded. "Since Kage Bunshin completely disappear when they cancel, it's only necessary that the real body-"

"N-Naruto!" Tenten demanded, completely red in the face. "Don't, that's not something you should be talking to my father about!"

But the man in question just laughed, before slapping Naruto on the back. With a hearty grin, he added, "My daughter's a healthy girl!" With a more sober expression, he continued, "But you'll take care of her, right?"

"Yes!" Naruto swore, raising a fist before himself.

"Good man." With a nod, he added, "Well, you two kids have fun. See you tomorrow, honey." After saying goodbye to his daughter, he left.

"Naruto." Tenten demanded.

"You started it!" Naruto immediately counterattacked. "Ambushing me like that with your dad at the Christmas party! I was supposed to be drinking with Kiba and Shino!"

"What were you even saying to my dad, huh?" Tenten stared. "He doesn't need to know about... that!"

"This is where he puts his dick in, right?" Sai loudly asked, causing the two to swivel, startled.

The Root operative was barely able to stay upright, his eyes somewhat glazed, as he swayed back and forth, repeatedly knocking against the Naruto standing beside him.

"Sai!" Naruto greeted. "You've had a few, huh?"

"More than five." Sai agreed. "I ran out of fingers to count on."

"Huh." Naruto said.

"How is this suspicious?" Tenten whispered to he Naruto beside her.

"He's been sticking to me all evening." Naruto whispered back. "You know how some of the more traditional nin are about matching appearances with the Hokage... so usually they avoid sitting down with Tsunade so they don't have to drink with her, right? Sai is one of those kinds, so he always comes up with some excuse and flees so he doesn't get plastered." Naruto nodded conclusively. "And that hasn't happened tonight, he's been sticking to me like glue."

"Sticking together with Naruto is my mission!" Sai agreed.

"You mission, huh." Tenten said, eyeing him speculatively. "How gave you that mission? Sakura?" Tenten hadn't had much to do with the pink-haired girl, but apparently Naruto actively meddled in her relationship with Sasuke, so she retaliated in kind.

"Yes." Sai nodded happily.

Tenten's eyes narrowed.

"Her too." Sai continued, unaware that he had everyone's attention.

"Her too, huh?" Naruto murmured.

Tenten frowned. "Who else would be telling Sai to stick around Naruto all evening long?"

Sai happily responded, saying, "That's a secret!"

However, at the same time, the Naruto supporting him said, "Danzo, obviously."

After a pause, Sai amended his statement. "That's not a secret!"

"But why?" Naruto asked, somewhat rhetorically.

Tenten sighed. "Sai? Why?"

"I don't know." Sai announced. "Danzo never tells anyone why, especially when Naruto could ask them."

"Yeah." Naruto muttered. "I dunno why he wants you to tag along with a Kage Bunshin all evening though."

"Not a Kage Bunshin!" Sai drunkenly replied. "Keep the real one busy!"

Naruto and Naruto made eye contact.

"You wanna tell him?" The one supporting Sai asked.

"It's your mission, and I'm still busy." Naruto shot back, jerking his head sideways to indicate Tenten.

Tenten rolled her eyes at Naruto's cowardice. "That's not the real Naruto, Sai." She informed the soused Root operative. "The real one has been with me all evening."

The two Narutos made eye contact, and a great deal of wordless communication happened.

"On second thought..." Naruto-with-Tenten said.

"Oh no! You're busy!" Naruto-with-Sai replied, quickly bringing his hands up and forming the cross-seal, dissipating himself.

"You coward!" Naruto shouted.

Sai groaned. "I failed!"

"...aren't you right here, Naruto?" Tenten asked, with a flat voice.

Naruto flinched. "I am, yes."

"So why would a Kage Bunshin have to cancel to tell the real one when he just told him in words to his face?" Tenten pressed.

Naruto sighed. "Not this fight again..."

With keen insight despite his drunken state, even Sai observed, "that was the wrong thing to say."

I I I

Clad in red jumpsuit, lined with fur and a hat like a sock,  
>Stood a jolly old man on a roof above the tenement block.<br>Beside him eight reindeer, all harnessed to a sleigh,  
>Before them the ninth, who's eyes teleported the way.<br>And slung over his shoulder, was the ultimate reason:  
>A bag full of toys to reward all good children this season.<p>

"Whew." Old Nicholas said, wiping his forehead. "How are we doing for time?"

"On schedule." Rudolph announced. "We really had to push."

Santa grunted, before gingerly stepping over towards the chimney. "I wanted to push ahead of normal, because we've had some crazy delay for the last few years."

"That's reasonable." Cupid supported. "We need to deliver the presents to all the good children, after all."

"You can just rely on our speed." Comet boasted. "This much challenge isn't impossible."

"You guys..." Santa began, "Thanks. I really appreciate that." He grunted, stepping over the rim of the chimney. "Well... time to work."

With a flash and a swirl, he activated the Chimney Shunshin, transporting himself down and out into the living room where the Christmas tree waited.

"That felt kind of long..." Santa muttered, before turning, and glancing about himself.

"Oh no." He muttered.

It was not a living room. There was no Christmas tree, there were no stockings or lights.

The whole space was empty and lit only by dim fluorescent bulbs. The bunker-like walls of bare concrete had a surreal flat look from the incomplete illumination.

This space looked more like an abandoned warehouse than a part of someone's home.

So, why had the chimney gone down here from the house above?

With a flicker and glance, Santa saw the reason: the hastily-extended construction that reached up from the hole-like fireplace through the roof, where it probably connected to the "real" fire place.

With a casual sneer, Santa's hand whipped out, claw-like, to bat aside the sword that pierced out of the darkness behind him.

He turned. "So... you are the one to stand in my way this time?"

Danzo simply grunted, re-gripping the sword in his good hand, before bringing it back up to guard before him.

Santa sighed. "At least Jiraiya and Orochimaru wanted my power for something... you just want to erase anything that doesn't agree with you."

Danzou scowled. "This is not what a ninja should be. A ninja should erase their ego, waiting silently for the right moment, when they act and return to the darkness." He raised the sword, and lunged foRward.

Santa lashed out with his left hand, smacking the blade aside with his palm, before it shot forward for Danzo's chest.

But a snap kick up to his belly forced him to stop, blocking and catching the rising foot with his right hand.

Awkwardly, Danzo swung the sword, attempting to bury it hatchet-like in Santa's head.

But the left hand, from it's aborted palm-spear, simply lashed sideways and caught Danzo's wrist.

"Christmas is a time of giving, for families and friends."

"Ninja cannot afford such things." Danzo growled. "If a human heart is torn between friends and the mission, then it will agonize and suffer. It's better, more reliable, for a ninja to forsake such feelings, and finish the mission. The one moving forward has no need for guilt, and the one abandoned is simply a lost tool, without any betrayal."

"Those are human hearts you're talking about!" Santa shouted.

"No." Danzo replied, meeting Santa's gaze. "Those are ninjas."

With an unnatural squirm like writhing snakes, his cloak and kimono were forced open, and a misshapen arm shot out from his robes.

It was alien-colored, with flesh the color of pine wood; and set in it, like knots in a board, were many sharingan eyes.

That alien hand in that bizarre arm lashed out with unnatural speed, and reached Santa's throat, gripping it like a band of iron.

With a fierce scowl, Santa released the leg and the blade, and his hands smashed into Danzo's body, into his shoulder and ribs.

"Fool." Santa rasped, even as the grip around his throat tightened.

The grip released.

In a spray of blood, that twisted arm was ripped from the body. But the arm itself did not bleed; it was like smashed clay, while the bones and vessels of Danzo's human core had ejected it like a splinter forced out of his flesh.

Danzo collapsed, snarling. "Even you... would use such an evil thing, huh?"

Santa sighed. "I was not always the kindly old man who rewards goodness for goodness' sake; in the old days, I was a fierce judge of those that take. You... you are the one that made it a contest of such skills, with your arm so fake."

Danzo laughed hollowly. "It's not over yet."

"Yes." Santa replied. "Yes, it is."

In that arm, ripped away like a tree limb pulled off by a winter storm, one of those eyes spun wildly. The tomoe melded together, and spun, before melting into a cataract of blindness.

Danzo faded away like an illusion; reality was revised according to the name of the god of the creation.

Santa gargled as the hand clenched his throat like a board pressing into his neck. The fake arm was reattached and Danzo was unharmed.

"As long as I can use Izanagi's revision, it's not over." Danzo explained.

Pushing against the swordarm gripped by his left hand, Santa had no space to use his deadly taijutsu. He was trapped.

"Rasengan!"

With a howl of warning, the storm-howl of the famous A-rank assault technique slammed into Danzo's artificial shoulder, gripping his whole body in a spiral wind and flinging him away from Kris Kringle.

Santa stumbled as his enemy was wrenched away, and grimaced at his savior. "You really cut it close there, kiddo."

Danzo grunted, forcing himself up. "So Sai failed."

Naruto chuckled. "He failed before he even began. I'm on watch duty. All of the Narutos that are out and about were shadow fakes, while the real one erased his ego and hid, waiting silently for the right moment."

With a fierce smile, Naruto stared down at the crumpled Danzo, who was gathering himself to stand up. "It's not that Sai's distraction failed, Danzo." Naruto pronounced. "From the beginning, it was you that failed to contain me."

"Boy." Danzo glowered. "Say that... once the fight has ended!"

I I I

Danzo gathered himself up. "If I have to fight both of you, then I should make it two on two."

With a quick series of seals, he slammed his hands on the ground, performing his summoning technique.

The orange body of a tiger and the head of an elephant, it was-

"What the hell is that?" Naruto demanded.

With a sweep of his hand, Danzo proudly announced. "This is Baku, my personal summons."

"Is it some kind of tapir?" Naruto asked, before pausing. "Do you have the tapir summoning contract?"

"What?" Danzo asked. "No, this is the Baku, the creature that eats drea-"

"Did you fail the Tapir Sage training?" Naruto wondered. "Is that why your nose is so big?"

"Stop interrupting me you whippersnapper!" Danzo shouted, punctuating by thumping his sword-cane on the floor. "Back in my day shinobis had respect for their elders! This is what's wrong with your generation, they lack respect for the heritage of ninja!"

"But hitting you with a rasengen was okay, huh?" Naruto asked.

"We're getting off track." The giant orange monster behind Danzo said, gently reminding his contractor.

With a huff of offended dignity, Danzo drew himself up. "Right, this is the Baku, the eater of dreams."

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "So..."

Santa harrumphed. "So if I use my Ghosts of Christmas jutsus it will devour them."

Danzo smiled. "Yes, the trump card you use to end fights by trapping enemies in an inescapable genjutsu. I can reverse your taijutsu with my implanted Sharingans and inside this dry bunker there's no supply for your snow jutsu."

Stepping forward, Danzo sneered. "As much as possible, I've prepared everything needed to seal all your abilities."

Naruto delicately coughed. He held his hand out, palm up; and with a bloom of chakra, he was cupping a Rasengan.

Danzo scowled. "Yes, there is that." He slid into a stance, pulling his sword free of the cane-sheathe one more time. "However, Baku can keep you busy without compromising his ability to eat genjutsu."

Danzo shot forward, swinging his sword.

Santa whipped his hands around, rolling his limbs to prepare for a taijutsu exchange.

Naruto jumped up and around, swinging his Rasengan around so he would slam it into Danzo like the spinning tip of a drill.

But he was diverted as the trunk of the Baku slammed into him, forcing him into a fight with that monster.

Sword and palms clashed in an exchange of taijutsu.

"Hmph." Santa grunted, blocking the sword aside. "It's true that you've prepared some impressive measures to prevent losing, but I didn't hear even one plan to win."

Danzo sneered, even as Santa caught the blade with his armored glove.

With an strike like an iron pole, his other hand slammed into Danzo's body, sending him spinning away.

"Even if you have a strong power, the Yuletide chakra is my potent weapon." Santa announced. "You cannot defeat the spirit of giving with talk of darkness."

Danzo coughed, splitting up blood.

"Didn't I say..." Danzo said, raising his fake arm, "That I would reverse you?"

Another implanted sharingan whirled around, as the tomoe bled together into the Mangekyo, only to dissolve into darkness as the Izanagi was activated.

Santa gasped wetly, choking around the iron grip on his throat.

The artificial arm was once again extended, and that hand was once again hooked around his throat; and he hung like an ornament from the branch of a tree.

The fingers dug into his flesh.

Spiritual chakra seeped into him, combating against the Yuletide chakra, even as the hand combated his body.

"Rasengan!"

But this time the spiraling sphere was intercepted, the lunging Naruto was forced off course by the Baku.

It was a contradiction, a reversal of time, possessing the same lack of logic as a dream. So it was no problem for things to happen out-of-order, even if it was something like when a summoning appeared.

Inside Santa, something responded to the seeking chakra.

"Rasengan!"

Exploding out of the floor between them, another Naruto emerged, the deadly wind gripped in his hand all over again.

"What!" Danzo shouted.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted back. "I already gave that speech about how the one you thought was the real me was a Kage Bunshin all along!" He pointed an accusing finger at Danzo. "Are you so senile you need to hear it again!"

Danzo pointed with his sword, his human arm trembling slightly from rage, or exertion, or both. "You miserable twit! I don't know why Sarutobi let you get away with that kind of disrespect! Why back in my day, we-"

"Can it!" Naruto interrupted, relying on his greater loudness. "I don't want to hear it you old coot!"

"You!" Santa rasped, hunched over, shaking and pale. "What did you do!?"

Naruto blinked, before scowling. "Whatta you mean what did I do, I hid underground and saved your butt!"

"Not you!" Santa snapped, before looking up, casting a shaking glare onto Danzo. "What did you do to my chakra?"

Danzo sneered, lifting his artificial hand. "To your chakra...? Nothing."

Naruto took a shaky step back, raising an accusing finger.

"All I did... was pull out something you were wrapped around." Danzo finished.

Gripped in that hand grown of synthetic flesh, a pale, translucent figure, an outline of someone that was dead and gone.

"Hello... Naruto-kun." A condescending smile.

Hanging from Danzo's grip, was the ghost of Orochimaru.

I I I

Naruto blinked, lowering his arm. "So, uh... how have you been?"

"I've been better." Orochimaru frankly admitted. "But on the other hand, it was surprisingly restful. I was sealed into a state akin hibernation, so my inevitable escape will have to be achieved by-"

"Orochimaru-kun." Danzou said. "I need you to focus a little bit, here."

Orochimaru's head turned unnaturally, his neck rotating 180 degrees until he could face Danzou directly. "Aren't you the one always carrying on about respect, Danzo-san?"

"Yeah." Naruto agreed. "I'd really prefer to talk about that 'inevitable escape' bit, that sounds like it could be really important. You know, in the future."

Danzo grit his teeth.

"What's the matter?" Naruto asked, concerned. "Hemorrhoids flaring up?"

"No!" Danzo barked. "That is not important right now!"

"There's no need to be so sensitive." Orochimaru chided. "It's only natural that when a body gets older functionality starts to break down."

"What about you?" Naruto asked.

Orochimaru laughed. "I used so many kinjutsu, Naruto-kun, that I don't have to worry about such things."

"Mn, I guess." Naruto muttered, rubbing his chin. "I've got this regeneration thing from being a jinchuuriki, so-"

"Stop ignoring me!" Danzo demanded. "Didn't you learn any respect in the Academy!? Or from your jounin-sensei? Kids these days!"

"Hey, that's-"

"And you!" Danzo said, turning to Orochimaru. "I know that Sarutobi taught you better than that, I was there! You used to be such a good kid, but you let it all go to your head! When I was your age we used to pay attention when an old man was in the middle of unveiling his scheme, but no, you have to gossip with your teenager friends!"

"The rudeness matters more than the missing-nin thing, huh?" Naruto muttered.

"Danzo." The baku gently inserted. "Focus."

"Right, right." Danzo said. With a grunt, he held the ghost up, and the Baku delicately grapped it with its trunk.

Then it jammed the ghost in it's mouth, pushing it against its cheek, pressing its lips together to hold the ghost in while it withdrew it's trunk.

"What?" Naruto asked.

Danzo began handseals.

Santa's eyes widened. "That's-" He twitched, unable to stand up. "Naruto! Stop him!"

"You used it so many times." Danzo said, as he finished the jutsu. "For someone hiding properly in the shadows, it's only natural they would-"

"Rasengan!" Naruto shouted, thrusting it forward as he lunged.

"Ghost of Christmas Past!" Danzo interrupted himself to finish the jutsu.

I I I

An old classroom, lit by the slanting evening sunlight. A peaceful autumn day.

"..."

In such a peaceful place, Naruto felt kind of stupid holding the rasengan out in an attack thrust, with no enemies.

Naruto, age eight, stood trembling with his head down, while he was lectured by his favorite teacher.

"Honestly, Naruto, I'm disappointed." Iruka lectured. "You should know by now that you should let people finish talking without interrupting. Don't you hate it when other people don't let you talk? So why can't you ever let them finish? You need to respect other people. Why..."

"This has to have been on purpose." Naruto growled at the illusion in general.

I I I

"Ghost of Christmas Present!"

I I I

Danzo and Santa Claus floated in the sky.

Soft snowflakes drifted down around them, heading towards the twinkling lights of Konoha spread out in a tableau beneath them.

"It's an incredible set of jutsu." Danzo praised. "Perfectly recreating any memory, showing someone what's happening anywhere else in the world, even pulling back a scene from a possible future." His smile was twisted by the bandage on his face. "Past, present and future; I'm far more impressed by the omniscience of them, then by some feature that makes them inescapable."

Santa glared. "So, are you like Jiraiya, that you want to use it for your own self-serving intelligence purposes."

Danzo laughed. "Oh, if only! But no, it's too tied up with that Yuletide chakra. It's impossible to use them without staining yourself with the colors of Christmas, even if it's only a little bit."

Santa frowned. "Isn't that exactly what you're doing?"

Danzo shrugged expressively. "Speaking of Jiraiya... it was he that showed me these jutsu could be subverted against you. And don't you remember what you told him?"

"It's entirely different when it's anchored to a ghost."

Santa smiled harshly. "So... what?"

Danzo popped his neck. "My plan had four steps.

"First, use the wraith of Orochimaru, who has already been stained by your Yuletide chakra, as the foundation of the Ghosts of Christmas Genjutsu."

"Second, use the dream-synchronization ability of my Baku to spread the Ghost of Christmas Present across every living human. This requires a great deal of chakra but between myself, Orochimaru, and the Baku, it's possible to extend it that far."

"Third, expand the mass-hypnosis backwards and forwards with the Ghosts of Past and Future."

"Fourth... sacrifice one more Mangekyo Sharingan to activate the Izanagi."

"Ho ho ho." Santa laughed. "So you'll use your genjutsu to revise everyone's memories?"

"Yes." Danzo agreed. "I will erase the idea of Christmas from all human minds."

"That is impossible." Santa said, with absolute conviction. "Strike me down, and another will arise in my place. The spirit of kindness and giving cannot be erased from human hearts."

"Hmph." Danzo closed his eyes, with a bitter smile. "Human hearts are more fickle than that. The heart capable of love is also a heart capable of hate. It's a much better thing for ninjas to kill their emotions."

"You are wrong." Santa plainly stated. "Go. Use your genjutsu. You will see."

Danzo ignored him, raising his arm.

For the third time, the tomoe of a sharingan swirled and bled together, spinning until they transformed into the higher Kaleidoscope shape.

"Izanagi!" Danzo triumphantly shouted.

Twas the night before Christmas, and in the village throughout,  
>Not a ninja was stirring, not even an ANBU about;<br>The stockings were hung by the chimeny with care,  
>In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.<p>

Twas [OOOO] before [OOOO], and in [OOOO] throughout,  
>Not a [OOOO] was stirring, not even [OOOO] about;<br>[OOOO] were hung by the [OOOO] with care,  
>In [OOOO] that [OOOO] soon would be there.<p>

Danzo collapsed, panting, heaving, sweating from exertion.

In the silence, broken only by his own breathing, the dull, steady hum of the fluorescent lights could be seen, casting an off-yellow glow flatly across the concrete.

Danzo was alone. The floor was unmarked. There was no evidence that Naruto had torn it up with a Rasengan.

There was no jury-rigged false chimney on the far wall.

"I did it!" Danzo gasped, smiling darkly to himself. "I unmade Christmas!"

I I I

Danzo slowly walked up the stairs, feeling exhausted from his exertion.

When he opened the door and walked out into the street, he was pleased to see that Sai was waiting for him.

The snow was gently falling, and the air had the cold crisp smell from it. The night was dark, and the sky was opaque and black from the winter clouds.

Sai shifted, and Danzo looked at him. "Yes?" He asked.

Sai stood, glanced to the side, and finally held out a package.

It was a rectangle, an oblong box. Danzo reflexively reached out to take it.

It was heavy, solid, and thick, with a firm texture. Probably a book.

But Danzo wasn't sure, because it was wrapped in colored paper.

Neatly folded, and taped to the flat sides, the bright yellow paper, with that waxy texture, completely obscured the contents of that package.

There was a bright red bow taped to the top.

Danzo stared.

He was holding a present.

Even though he'd erased Christmas-

"Naruto helped me pick it out for you." Sai said. He controlled his face well, but Danzo realized that the boy was nervous. He probably thought that Danzo was judging the, the present harshly. It frustrated Danzo that Naruto could so easily undo all the careful training that he'd given Sai.

"So," Sai continued, "have a joyous Kwanzaa, Danzo-sama."

...

"What?" Danzo said, dully, giving speech to the thought that rose up from within him.

"Joyous Kwanzaa." Sai repeated, louder, with more precise pronunciation. "Danzo-sama."

"Yes, yes." Danzo murmured, looking down at the present. "Joyous... Kwanzaa."

Sai shifted.

"You can go now." Danzo said, absently.

"Yes." With a bow, Sai disappeared into the shunshin.

Danzo wandered in a daze.

There were no Christmas trees. There were no wreaths, there was no tinsel, there was no mistletoe.

But there were candle displays, and there were still strings of light, and brightly-colored cloth streamers hung from walls.

People strode around smiling. Even the shinobi, still carrying on, exchanging greetings and gifts, soaking themselves in the indolent holiday.

Even if he did not hear even one person utter "Merry Christmas", the way that people said "Joyous Kwanzaa" to one another was exactly the same.

Danzo didn't understand.

"What..." He began, not sure how to continue.

"What did you do!?" A voice roared behind him, and Danzo stiffened, turning about.

"Naruto?" He asked, half-unsure. It was Naruto, in his stupid orange jumpsuit, with those whisker marks on his recognizable face; but his eyes were dark, narrow slits, and killing intent was radiating from him like a bonfire.

"Well who were you expecting!?" Naruto demanded. "Santa Claus!?" He formed a Rasengan.

Danzo frowned at that. "That's impossible. I..." He gestured around himself. "Even like this, Santa Claus doesn't exist!"

Naruto paused, and the Rasengan's furious whine sputtered down as he relaxed the chakra inside it. "Danzo," he began, "I uh, you know you were just fighting him like twenty minutes ago, right?"

Danzo frowned. "Yes, and I used my Izanagi to erase him!"

Naruto pursued his lips. "Are you going senile?"

"No!" Danzo growled. "No I am not." He paused, thinking. "And why were you so angry anyway?"

"How dare you! Naruto!" Neji announced, before his vacuum-palm slammed into the ground where Naruto had been standing.

"Cripes!" Naruto shouted, before diving into a roll, dodging as three kunai slammed into the ground where he'd dodged Neji's attack.

Danzo stared.

"Even though you have Hinata!" Neji shouted. "You go after Tenten!"

Naruto glanced from Neji, who was fuming furiously, to Tenten, who was blushing, but also fuming.

Danzo looked across the three teens. "Oh, that makes sense." He realized.

Naruto's head snapped to him. "What makes sense!?"

"Without Christmas, you two didn't get together." Danzo mused.

Naruto's pupils shrank as his mind raced through that. "So I'm dating Hinata!?" He demanded.

"Don't think you can bluff your way out of this!" Neji roared, shooting forward with his jyuken blazing. "I'll get you for making Hinata cry!"

"You damn tsundere!" Naruto shouted, desperately throwing himself out of the way. "It's Danzo's fault! He used genjutsu on me!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Danzo calmly bluffed.

"Traitor!" Naruto roared, even as he leaned aside, shoving the blazing palm away from his body, planting his foot on Neji's thigh, and jumping to create distance.

He twisted mid-air, barely knocking two kunai down before they could bury themselves in him.

"I don't need Neji to avenge my honor." Tenten primly informed him. "I can do that for myself."

Naruto landed next to Danzo, and grabbed him by the lapels. "Fix this." He demanded, before twisting, spinning about to put Danzo between himself and Neji.

With much greater dignity than Naruto would have thought possible, Danzo ignored being used as a human shield against Neji, who wasn't quite willing to attack through a senior councilman to get Naruto.

"Why should I?" Danzo demanded. "Even if there was an unexpected side effect, I removed the Christmas holiday. I have achieved my goal."

Naruto grimaced.

"You can't escape me forever! Naruto!" Neji swore.

"He's so furious." Naruto muttered. "That friggin' sis-con."

"I'm not!" Neji roared. "And she's my cousin, not my sister!"

Danzo took the opportunity to deck Naruto, sending him sprawling.

Naruto's head snapped back, but he recovered and landed in a crouch, rather than on his back.

His gaze met Danzo's. "What did you do!?" He demanded.

Danzo glanced over his shoulder, at the fuming and advancing Neji.

"Oh for!"

Naruto slammed his hands into the ground, and a gigantic toad appeared between him and the infuriated Hyuuga.

Gamakichi blinked down, before his eyes swiveled to look at Naruto.

"What did you do this time!?" The huge toad demanded.

"It wasn't me! It was Danzo!" Naruto shouted.

Gamakichi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, again, right?"

"For crying out loud!" Naruto threw his hands up, before lunging, grabbing Danzo by the shoulder, and dragging him towards the toad. "Just teleport us somewhere we won't get interrupted!"

"Don't think you can escape that easily!" Neji shouted.

But, in a swirl of alien light, Gamakichi disappeared, dragging Naruto and Danzo with him.

He had escaped.

"Naruto!" Neji swore at the heavens.

I I I

The waterfall burbled, as the water cascaded down, flowing out under the sheet of ice that grew out from the riverbanks and approached the falls.

The air was frigid, and slightly wet, loaded with the tiny amount of humidity that could be absorbed by cold air.

Statues of toads stood as silent sentinels, covered in frost and ice in the December night.

In the land of the Toads, two human men sat on the riverbank.

Slowly, the Elder named Danzo explained his plan, and the younger named Naruto listened-with only a tiny amount of interruption.

When the tale was finished, Naruto nodded. "Oh, I get it."

Danzo raised his eyebrow. "Oh? What is it, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto considered, crossing his arms, before finally he began to speak. "Okay, it's like this: what's so special about Christmas?"

Danzo snorted. "It's a time of fools, when we abandon all of our training to harden our hearts in exchange for lukewarm feelings."

Naruto sighed. "That's... I guess that's true, but what I mean is, what makes Christmas special, not compared to regular days, but compared to other holidays?"

Danzo frowned, taking the question seriously. "It's associated with thanks, but especially, giving presents."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, let's work with that. Maybe there's some religious stuff going on, but within the broad secular society, that's not so important. What's important is the idea of thinking about others enough that you come up with something they'd want to have, and give it to them. Giving gifts is like an exercise in developing compassion."

Danzo grunted.

"But it's not like that's something uniquely special to Christmas, it's just that this idea of a 'season for giving' got associated with Christmas." Naruto nodded decisively. "So, when Santa said that another will arise in my place..."

"He wasn't talking about another Santa Claus." Naruto revealed. "He meant that if you took away Christmas, some other holiday would naturally fill the same role, because it's something that humans naturally want to do; even if there isn't specifically Christmas, there's still a gift-giving holiday somewhere in every culture."

Danzo snorted. "Even if I accept that, there's no reason for me to do anything." Danzo serenely folded his arms. "There's no reason for me to help you restore Christmas."

"Kwanzaa is seven days long." Naruto pointed out.

"What." Danzo replied.

"It's just what I said." Naruto replied, with an insufferable smile. "You exchanged a holiday that was one day long, with one that lasts the whole week."

Danzo frowned. "Why should I believe you."

Naruto raised his hands. "I traveled all over with Jiraiya; I'm just repeating an observation, I'm not trying to deceive you."

"But," Naruto began. "I spent a lot of time with Tenten, you know? And whatever you did unmade that." He looked Danzo straight in the eye. "Do you know how much free time I'd have, all of a sudden? And how much resentment?"

Danzo considered that.

He thought about Naruto's personality, and strengths as a ninja.

And especially the saying: "Idle hands do the devil's work."

Danzo sighed. "I guess... we're going to..."

"Say it." Naruto cajoled.

Danzo grit his teeth and spat it out. "Let's go save Christmas."

I I I

Far, far to the North, across hills of ice and fields of snow, lay a secret village, hidden from all, marked only by a great pole with a twisting red-and-white stripe pattern.

In that village, far to the north, is where a secret hidden bloodline lives, of industrious and short ninjas, called the elves.

It was their village that was pierced by a spatial ninjutsu, as a great void opened and a toad hopped through, bearing two men.

The village was abandoned.

Crystal spires rose from the ground in great caverns, illuminated by moonlight that refracted through and between them.

With frost on his breath, Naruto made eye contact with Danzo, who grudgingly nodded.

Naruto placed his hand on his shoulder, and fed chakra into the other man.

The baku was summoned, and the jutsu was reversed.

I I I

All across the elemental countries, while children slept snug in their beds, Santa crept out, while visions of cool jutsu played in their heads.

He snuck past guards, and snuck under trees, leaving presents among them, for all the good children as neat as you please.

For girls and for boys, the most marvelous toys, a change from the weapons and tools of their trade. A chance for pure enjoyment, without having to hold a single blade.

With a clap and a clatter, his sleigh leapt into the sky, and then dissipated in a flash of that glowing red eye.

But before he left in that flash of alien light-  
>"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"<p>

I I I

With a contented sigh, the sleigh set down at the end of the Christmas season. Santa waved away the elves offering to help him down, and lowered himself to the ground.

With a twinkle of cheer in his eye, he turned his gaze upon the two Konoha ninjas waiting among his followers.

His gaze honed in on Danzo, and became all together more gleeful. "Ho ho ho," he said with a laugh, "so you realized your gaffe?"

"Naruto already rubbed it in." Danzo growled.

"Even an old man can learn the spirit of Christmas." Santa wisely intoned. "This is a tale passed down for decades among us."

"I haven't." Danzo disagreed.

"We'll see." Santa said with a superior smirk.

"You're taking this pretty well." Naruto said.

"Ho ho ho," Santa laughed in deep pitch, "in the end, Christmas went off without a hitch."

Naruto paused. "That, that wasn't entirely what I was talking about."

Santa blinked. "What?"

Naruto glanced uneasily at Danzo, or rather, at the shoulder covered by the loose-hanging kimono. "Well, it's just, with Orochimaru gone, apparently, we needed to use something else as a substrate for your body..."

Danzo grinned, patting the stump of his shoulder where his synthetic arm was once attached.

Santa pursued his lips, and then did philosophically speak, "Well, at least I'm not trapped in Jiraiya, that freak."

I I I

Christmas morning! A time of happiness and cheer.

"Neji."

Neji solemnly ignored the voice next to him.

"Hey! Neji! Don't ignore me!"

There was something in the petulance and fury of that sentence that reminded Neji of someone else, so Neji thought it would be good to respond.

"Yes?" He asked, turning to face the other man.

"Why am I here?" Konohamaru demanded.

Neji considered. "You should feel honored to be spending an important holiday with the main house of the prestigious Hyuuga clan."

"Yeah and I spend every day with the main house of the prestigious Sarutobi clan no matter what!" Konohamaru said, swatting that line of reasoning aside. "What I mean is why did you kidnap me!?"

Neji nodded with grace. "You were invited for Hanabi-sama's sake."

"Why did you kidnap me!?" Konohamaru repeated, savagely tugging on the ropes that held him in place.

"Just think of it as training." Neji sniffed. "Apparently you need it."

"I'll get you." Konohamaru swore. "I don't know how but I'll get you, and good."

"It's Christmas!" Hanabi cheered, pulling her father along into the open living room, where Neji and the captive Konohamaru were waiting, pulling her father along by the hand.

"Hanabi-sama." Neji said, bowing. He reached over, and pushed Konohamaru's seating pillow forward, sliding the other boy towards the staring girl. "Merry Christmas."

"Eeee!" Hanabi said, clapping her hands together. "Thank you thank you thank you!"

She darted forward, and Konohamaru let out a strangled gasp as she shoulder-planted right into his stomach, before levering him up onto her shoulder and taking off back towards her room.

Hiashi and Neji made eye contact.

Slowly, Hiashi turned and shuffled away.

Neji nodded in satisfaction.

I I I

Naruto sighed, lowering himself into the chair in his apartment. Somehow, he always used up a lot of chakra on Christmas, and now he was very tired.

There was a clatter in his kitchen, and he looked up.

"Oh, you're back." Tenten said, with a spatula in her hand, and an apron tied on.

Naruto blinked. "Good morning."

Tenten shifted. "Good morning to you too."

Naruto waved his hand vaguely. "This..."

Tenten shifted, slightly uncertain. "Well, I just... wanted to make you breakfast."

For the space of a breath, Naruto didn't move, he was still, he was motionless.

"Tenten," he said, "You are precious to me. And thank you."

Tenten blushed, looking aside. "Y-you're welcome. And, thank you, too." She turned, and walked back towards the kitchen. "Ah, since I haven't gotten the chance yet, I want to say it before anyone else:

"Merry Christmas."

Naruto smiled, so broadly it felt like his cheeks were stretching. "Merry Christmas." He said back.

I I I

Danzo slumped in his chair, exhausted and annoyed. He would have been even more annoyed if he'd known how closely his body language matched Naruto's at that exact moment.

There was something solid digging into his back.

Danzo reached behind himself, and pulled out an oblong present.

The wrapping paper was now bright green, with that same red bow, but, it was still certainly the present that Sai had given him. With Naruto's advice.

With a grunt, Danzo unwrapped it, and gazed at the contents within.

A book. Danzo thought about Sai, and then thought, of course.

He checked the title.

How to Win Friends and Influence People.

'That Damn Naruto!' He thought, feeling the urge to throw the book against the wall.

But he did not.

And for a ninja with a sharingan, were to inspect his chakra for color,  
>And to look past the exhaustion that made it look slightly duller,<br>Such a ninja would see that it was not two shades to dark,  
>But just a shade-and-a-half, for his spirit did grow on this lark.<p>

I I I

**THE END**


	6. 2013

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2013)**

**EPISODE VI**

I I I

Down in yon forest, ninjas live there  
>Hiding in darkness and leaves as they live<br>But in this season they act without care  
>Revelry and happiness of this holiday give<p>

Beneath the mountain in that village where  
>Friends and family gathered for the season<br>All raising glass and taking feast in compare  
>To give their daily toil and work its true reason<p>

Tenten raised her glass, singing the carol with Gai and Lee, and then drank down the eggnog with them as they finished singing the carol.

She sighed, setting the glass down, before smiling at her sensei and friend.

"I should probably get going." She admitted.

"Yosh!" Gai said, swinging his glass excitedly. Fortunately it was empty so there was nothing to slosh around. "Your youth is burning like a warm fire, to spend time with both friends and lover tonight!"

"Yosh!" Lee agreed. "We'll see you at the party later, right?" He asked.

Tenten had a fixed smile on her face from dealing with Gai. Even after all these years she wasn't sure if he was being a sincere dork or teasing her on a level only Kakashi could follow. Instead she opted to answer Lee's question.

"Yes." She said. "I'm going to meet up with Naruto and then we'll head over to the Hokage's tower for the end of the night."

"Burn brightly!" Lee cheered, as she shrugged on her coat.

"Yes, yes." She agreeably said. "See you later!" She closed the door with a cheerful wave as they cheered her on. She had no idea what their plans where for the rest of the evening.

She rubbed her hands together, breathing on them before sliding her gloves on. Her breath frosted into crystals in the freezing air. It was snowing gently, soft white flakes that fell over everything and blurred the outlines. The edges of buildings became soft, and the great trees growing everywhere became even more impressive, their bare winter branches weighted down with the bright snow, shining from lights illuminating the night.

She climbed a rickety staircase that had slowly evolved from a fire escape to a regular access. She tried the door once, grunting softy as it refused to open. Naruto wasn't home yet; he made a point of always unlocking all his doors when he was expecting visitors.

She fished out her key, hearing a satisfying click as the mechanism acted, and she opened the door, pulling it open and stepping inside, rubbing her shoulders in the chill and closing the door behind her.

The lights were all off, but there was a soft multi-colored glow from the tree in the other room.

There was a soft sound, like someone moving around.

"Naruto?" She called out. Her hand slid down to the pouch of kunai at her side out of habit, even as she walked towards the front room.

When she stepped around the hallway wall, she blinked.

Hunched over a large sack was a tall and rail-thin man. His full beard was pure white and hung down from his chin to spread out and cover his chest from shoulder to shoulder. He wore long robes of white with a red cape thrown over his shoulders.

He was frozen in place, setting a wrapped present under the tree as he looked up, silently meeting Tenten's eyes.

His skin was papery and pasty-white, with strange square patterns marching across it. His eyeballs were jet-black orbs. A battered black silk tophat sat on his head, and he radiated a foul chakra.

"Edo Tensei?" Tenten breathed, hand slipping out of her pouch with three kunai clenched between her fingers.

Without speaking, the man in red launched himself at her, fist extended in a strange taijutsu guard.

I I I

Outside, the snow gently fell. Warm lights from buildings shone out across the snow on a cold night. There was only a hint of the moon through the night clouds, and all was silent.

The side of an apartment building exploded outward, as a young lady wielding dozens of knives simultaneously engaged in fierce battle with an immortal zombie in a red cape who used an ancient and brutal style of martial arts that predated modern taijutsu.

Christmas time, in Konoha.

I I I

"Why, in my day, ninja knew how to respect tradition."

"Yeah, yeah." Naruto said, patting the man sitting next to him on the shoulder as he nursed his own cup of eggnog. His eyebrow was twitching.

"There was none of this fancy stuff you kids do today with the seals and all that." Danzo continued to complain, oblivious to Naruto's mounting impatience. "We just tried to obliterate each other with high-density assault jutsus, and damn the collateral damage." He downed another glass, holding it out for a Root agent to obediently refill it.

"Yeah, times were tough." Naruto agreed, not entirely keeping the sarcasm out of his voice. "I bet you had to go uphill through the snow both ways 'cause the doton users kept remodeling the battlefield."

"Darn Tootin." Danzo muttered.

Naruto glanced over to the clock on the wall and winced. "Listen, it's been a lot of fun, but I'm going to be late if I'm not out of here, like, five minutes ago, so I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Hmph." Danzo grunted, waving him away irritably. "Kids these days, always in a hurry." He sorrowfully took another long pull on his drink.

"And maybe slow down a little yourself, huh?" Naruto said, eyes flicking to the Root operative behind the bar, who nodded assiduously in response.

"Well, I'm out." Naruto announced.

"I'll see you to the door." Sai cheerfully said, kicking back from the bar on the far side of Danzo.

"Yeah, that's..." Naruto thought about the last time Sai and Tenten had interacted. "Just to the door is fine, I don't wanna take you away from your... this." Naruto said, gesturing around at the absolutely silent bar in a hidden bunker, populated with Root operatives who were all sitting stiffly with their masks on.

"It is a pretty big party." Sai agreed, eyes screwed up in that plastic smile.

Naruto glanced around again. One of the shinobi on the end raised his glass in a toast, only for kunoichi sitting next to him to elbow him furtively. He slowly lowered the glass.

"Yeah, it's a real madhouse." Naruto blithely agreed, shrugging his coat on as he went for the door.

"I'm happy that Danzo-sama invited you." Sai said. "At this rate, you'll become the next leader of The Root without any problems."

Naruto paused, and then slowly slid his hands into his pockets as he started climbing the three story staircase to the surface. "Yeah, about that." He muttered. "Not that it's not great to be acknowledged, 'cause that's really awesome and all, but, uh..." he faltered, for once in his life at a loss for words.

But, like always, he bulled through. "Why is Danzo treating me like we're super best pals now?" He finally settled on. "I mean, I'm pretty good at the whole, making friends out of enemies thing, but, this is a little... much, even for me."

"Danzo-sama doesn't do anything by half-measures." Sai happily supplied, as if that completely explained everything.

"Yeah, that's definitely one way of putting it." Naruto agreed with a sigh. "It's just... confusing, I guess." He hated complicated things more than anything in the world.

Naruto reached out, and pulled the lever to activate the secret door. They clung to the wall as it spun around, switching them with a shelf of crappy books in a mediocre bookstore in the commercial district.

"I just wish he wasn't so... nutty about it." Naruto muttered, as they snuck out the back door and walked down the alley towards his apartment.

"What do you mean?" Sai asked, blinking innocently. "Danzo-sama is the most normal person I know."

Naruto turned in place, inspecting Sai's face with a suspicious look on his face. "You're probably not the most objective person to talk to about this." Naruto finally decided, turning back towards the front. "Maybe I should see what Iruka's doing next week."

Sai frowned. "What's that sound?"

Naruto paused.

A pitter-patter of feet, and sharp drumbeats like hail on a tin roof.

"Crap!" Naruto shouted, instantly recognizing the sounds of early-round ninja combat before the elemental stuff got pulled out.

Immediately, he jumped up, eyes darting around as he scanned the skyline, his attention darting around until he found the cause.

Tenten jumped from one roof to another in a backflip, using the instant when her body was turned away to hide the motion of drawing her kunai, launching them with pinpoint accuracy as she landed.

Her opponent, a zombie in a white gown with a red cape, took a powerful step forward, arms moving in stirring motions as he calmly struck each flying knife out of the sky with a heavy palm strike.

"Sai." Naruto ordered. "Go report to the Hokage."

"Yes!" Sai said, snapping to attention. "What should I report?"

"Edo Tensei." Naruto said the obvious part first, before he licked his lips. "It's Sinterklaas."

"Yes." Sai said, disappearing with shunshin.

Naruto dropped into a battle stance. "Let's go crazy!" He shouted, dragging the zombie's attention away so Tenten could pincer around.

The battle was joined.

I I I

"Rasengan!" Naruto slammed the spiral sphere into the side of their opponent, sending him spinning away even as it ripped open his side.

"What's the situation?" He asked, landing in a guard stance next to Tenten.

"He infiltrated your apartment." Tenten replied. "I moved to engage, but we haven't gotten past feeling out what kind of taijutsu we're each capable of." She shook her head. "He uses some kind of old-fashioned fighting style that relies on strong arms. I don't really recognize it, but he hasn't used any jutsus."

"Not yet." Naruto grunted tersely, watching as their opponent stood straight, ignoring the gaping hole in his chest that was slowly sealing itself shut as the false flesh recreated itself and papered the wound shut like a gift being wrapped.

The thin figure, Sinterklaas, seemed to make a decision, dropping into a fighting stance as his hands flickered through handseals.

"A summoning!" Naruto shouted, forming the cross-seal with his own fingers.

"Right!" Tenten said, hands moving quickly through her own seals before she slapped the ground.

It all happened at once.

The Sinterklaas figure stepped back, stomping sharply as he whipped his hands apart. The instant he did so, the shadows all around them flickered, as dozens of dark figures climbed out, pure-black outlines of armed soldiers. Each was like a silhouette of a different person, merely the outline of a jet-black figure holding diverse weapons.

Naruto flared his chakra, dozen of copies of himself springing into being and charging forward to engage the shadowy army in a chaotic melee, filling the air with his shouts as they clashed.

And a humongous toad with a sharp jacket appeared, curled up in a crouch under Tenten.

"Big sis?" The toad boomed, disoriented.

"Sorry, Gamakichi." She apologized. "But we've got a problem."

"Is it Naruto's fault again?" The toad asked with a suspicious scowl.

"HEY!" The annoyed cry rang out in unison from dozens of throats.

"That's a yes." The toad answered his own question, before shaking his head with a sigh, rolling one eye up to look at the girl perched on his head. "So what's the plan, big sis?"

"Keep your eye on the tall red one." She said. "When we get the chance, we'll flash fry him."

Their eyes tracked the tall figure, darting between the clash of orange-and-black, dealing decisive blows where he could while dodging knives and Rasengans in turn, probing for the real Naruto so he could end the battle.

Of course, the real Naruto wouldn't be among them.

"Now!" Tenten shouted.

"Right!" Gamakichi agreed, and then his cheeks bulged, and he sprayed high-pressure oil across the battle, tracing Sinterklaas.

Tenten breathed in, hands darting through handseals, and then added her own fire as she exhaled, the katon jutsu igniting the oil and sending up everything in a blaze.

"Ah, crap!" Naruto shouted, landing on Gamakichi's back in a crouch, hunched over and shivering. "Try to go easy on my Bunshins, at least! I get their memories!"

"Got him!" Gamakichi shouted in triumph, completely ignoring Naruto.

Blazing like a Christmas bonfire, a tall figure wreathed in flame jumped up and away, ignoring his own combustion as he leaped up onto the spire of a taller apartment building to stare down at them.

His hands came up, forming handseals.

Space distorted, and his transportation arrived in the opening swirl of space/time jutsu. It wasn't a sleigh, but rather, a huge steam-powered airship that emerged, with paddle-like propellers that droned as the iron-framed construct slid through the air behind them.

He crouched, jumping powerfully to land on the deck of the airship.

"Don't let him escape!" Tenten shouted.

"On it!" Gamakichi agreed, launching himself with the powerful legs of a toad, his tongue shooting out to wrap around the railing so he could pull himself and his two human passengers up towards the ship before it could disappear completely.

The toad had barely pulled himself on board, before a distortion of space/time swallowed the airship back up, intended and unintended passengers all.

I I I

"So what do we know?" Kakashi finally asked, his eye lazily fixed on the page of the book open under his nose.

Sasuke wasn't fooled. He hadn't changed pages even once since the meeting began. He was just using the book as a security blanket.

"Tenten was engaging an unknown combatant, animated with Edo Tensai, that had broken into Naruto's house. Naruto identified the combatant as 'Sinterklaas' and then moved to engage. I was ordered to report here." Sai recited in response to Kakashi's question.

"Witnesses reported that he created shadowy soldiers with a summoning jutsu, and then all of them disappeared aboard some kind of airship." Genma added, flicking the senbon in his mouth back and forth from one side to the other as he spoke.

Aoba grunted, adjusting his glasses. "I checked Naruto's apartment. He distributed presents just like Santa Claus, but they were all coal. I checked around. He visited several houses, but of every house we've identified, it was all coal without any exceptions."

"And what do we know about Sinterklaas." Tsunade broke in, still hunched over her desk with her fingers interlocked.

Raido shrugged. "It's an older version of Santa Claus from the Cloud country. Supposedly he travels there from Wave on his airship."

"Maybe he's a predecessor of the current Santa Claus." Aoba hazarded a guess.

"Then the real question is who brought him back, and why?" Genma replied, leaning back in his seat with a discontented sigh.

Sasuke stood up. He ignored it when everyone glanced over to him, turning and walking towards the door.

"Moving in haste will cause mistakes." Kakashi blandly admonished.

"This is a waste of time." Sasuke scornfully replied, stepping through the door before anyone could stop him.

Yes. Sasuke slowly nodded to himself as he walked through the dark halls. Trying to understand what was going through Naruto's head was pointless.

There was a better way to do things.

I I I

Konohamaru crept through the house.

He was careful to step smoothly and lightly with his whole foot so the floorboards underneath him wouldn't creak. He blended in with the shadows.

He came to a T-intersection in the hallway, and calmly checked both ways, before sliding around the corner.

He was one with the shadows.

He slid along the wall, even his breathing was soundless as he moved with fluid grace, his excellent sneaking the result of long practice.

He wasn't just one with the shadows, he practically was a shadow at this point.

And he would escape.

With a fierce smile tugging at his lips, he came out to the veranda, looking out across the moonlit garden at the center of the Hyuuga compound.

"Hey."

A dark and flat voice spoke behind him.

"Holy-!" Konohamaru bit out, before silencing himself, whirling in place, hands coming up to a taijutsu guard. No matter what, he wouldn't allow her to drag him back into her insanity!

His guard faltered, as his eyes met the singularly unimpressed gaze of Uchiha Sasuke staring down at him, shrouded in darkness. His sharingan was slowly turning, the wheel-like motion of his eyes laden with a certain inevitability.

"What the hell do you want?" Konohamaru whispered, turning back to scout the garden and make sure they weren't found. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm kinda in the middle of something here."

"I need you to summon a toad." Sasuke ignored Konohamaru's complaints to issue his command. "Naruto got involved in some stupid thing again. I want you to take me to the North Pole to nip this right in the bud."

"I don't want to help you or him." Konohamaru grunted without turning back. Yes, he was a shadow. He slid along the wall like a shadow, one with the shadows!

"Hmn." Sasuke grunted, clearly at a loss for how to proceed when direct orders failed.

"Konohamaru?" A tired but still cute voice called out.

His blood froze.

Hanabi rounded the corner, a simple nightie hanging from her still-budding body as she rubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Come back to bed." She spoke in a cajoling voice, still half-asleep.

Tucked under her other arm was a teddy bear with a long scarf around its neck, and a ball-gag in its mouth.

That was only the tip of the crazy. Konohamaru knew the innocence was just a thin illusion. Under that virginal white nightgown was a leather harness with all kinds of strange zipper openings.

Sasuke made another annoyed grunt, turning around.

"Hey." He said in a commanding voice.

Hanabi's eyes drifted over to him with an uncertain expression, her gaze naturally going up to meet his.

"Sharingan." Sasuke announced, displaying the extremely blase approach to brainwashing appropriate for an Uchiha, and Konohamaru could feel the older boy's chakra speed up as he used a genjutsu.

Hanabi's eyes went flat and out of focus, and with mechanical motions, she turned and walked back the way she came.

Sasuke turned back with a peevish look on his face.

"So where did you need to go again, bro?" Konohamaru asked with a grin, rubbing his hands together to warm up his fingers for a jutsu. "The North Pole, right?"

Sasuke opened his mouth with a confused frown on his face, before he closed it as his expression shifted towards uncertainty. "Uh, yes."

"Arrite!" Konohamaru cheered, jumping out into the garden to summon Gamatatsu to carry them along for a teleportation. "One Polar Express, coming up!"

I I I

"Oraaaa!" Naruto shouted, swinging on a severed wire like a pendulum as he whipped around in the cold desert sky, curving around and slamming into the side of the airship envelope, his Rasengan tearing a great hole in the side.

Tenten threw a clutch of kunai with each hand, pinning some of the shadow soldiers in place, and forming a handseal to activate the exploding seals.

Beside her, Gamakichi opened his mouth, spraying oil to create a slick coating on the deck of the airship.

A regenerated Sinterklaas weaved, stomping hard as he lunged forward with a swift punch, air rippling as a shockwave blasted out towards them.

"Look out!" Gamakichi shouted.

Tenten grimaced, crossing her arms to block the impact.

Naruto slammed into her from the side, knocking her out of the way as the vacuum blow hammered into him, collapsing his chest with a wet gasp.

"Naruto!" Tenten shouted in horror.

He burst into smoke.

"An opening!" Naruto shouted, slamming a Rasengan into Sinterklaas from behind.

The rippling sphere exploded, sending the red giant blasting forward.

Tenten quickly rolled out of the way, whipping three knives out in a throw mid-roll.

The brace hit Sinterklaas in the head, one in the throat, one in the eye, and one in the forehead.

She formed a handseal, and the exploding tags detonated.

The zombie-like Sinterklaas froze, half-standing half-crouching as his head was blown off, the black silk hat on his head curving away crazily as it was carried on a shockwave.

Sinterklaas didn't move.

"Did that get him?" Naruto said with an uncertain frown.

A toad the size of a hand popped into air. "Hey!" It said in a cheerful voice. "Big bro! Big sis! Little bro sent a message!"

A falling sensation set into Tenten's stomach, and she felt herself lift off the deck.

The airship was falling towards the ground.

"Looks like we got him." Tenten muttered, reaching out to grab the railing.

"What now?" Gamakichi asked, in an uncertain voice. As a summons, he could just pop away whenever he wanted.

"Hey, I know where we are." Naruto announced in a cheerful voice.

He scrabbled across the deck, hand-over-hand on the railing. "Hey Tenten, brace me, okay?"

"Right!" She shouted over the building roar of the wind, planting her feet on the floor and using her chakra to grab hold, wrapping her right arm around Naruto's waist and leaning in to pin him against the rail she was gripping with her other hand.

I I I

Gaara frowned up at the night sky, examine the huge airship structure hurtling down towards his village.

His fingers twitched, and the sand readied itself around him, to shield everyone with his powers.

But a huge gust of wind blasted out of the side of the airship, pushing it away from the village, slowly changing angles as it went until it was pointed straight down, slowing the hurtling dirigible's descent.

But with an almighty crash, it slammed into the desert out side the village, the boom of the impact rattling windows even from that far away.

"Let's go." He announced, disappearing in the swirl of a Suna shunshin.

I I I

"We're alive! We're alive! We're alive!" Naruto shouted in a sing-song voice, spinning around as he nimbly danced on the slowly burning wreckage.

He was holding Tenten aloft in his hands, twirling her around like they were dancing in a ball.

In the background was an indistinct boom from a secondary explosion as something in the superstructure detonated.

Naruto dipped down, curling in to plant a kiss on Tenten.

Someone cleared their throat.

Naruto ignored them, continuing to lean into the kiss with Tenten, until he regretfully let up when she tapped his shoulder with his hand.

"Whassup, Gaara?" He said cheerfully, addressing the leader of the Suna nin before he actually turned to look.

Kankuro, who had cleared his throat, turned to look to Gaara for guidance.

Gaara raised his eyebrow.

Naruto shrugged. "Yeah I don't really know what's going on either. Somebody summoned Sinterklaas with Edo Tensei or something and that turned into a big dustup at my place."

Gaara raised the other eyebrow with an expectant look.

"Of course not!" Naruto laughed uneasily. "I wasn't in control of the space/time justu so it's not like we brought this to your doorstep on purpose!" He turned to look to his companion for support. "Isn't that right, Tenten?"

"Right." She agreed, swiftly covering her own uncertainty.

Gaara's eyebrows went back down and his face settled into a more stern expression.

"Um." She began.

"Yeah, of course we're gonna go figure this out." Naruto smoothly intervened. "We've already got a solid lead, so you should be able to handle the cleanup, right? Thanks!" He proceeded swiftly from question to thanks without any pause, grabbing Tenten's hand as he adroitly walked off.

"Man, Gaara was pissed." Naruto muttered.

"How could you tell?" Tenten said with an uncertain expression.

"You mean you couldn't?" Naruto replied incredulously, faltering in place as he turned to look at her.

Tenten glowered.

Naruto swiftly turned back to walking forward, putting his fingers in his lips to whistle sharply. "Gamakichi! Here boy!"

"I'm not a dog!" Gamakichi testily shouted, shoving aside a pile of wreckage that was piled on him. The metal screamed as it was bent around in place.

"Right, right. Whatever." Naruto easily agreed. "Time to go!"

I I I

The Village Hidden in the North Pole.

Marked by a spiral-painted red-and-white pole, the village itself was a huge series of interlocked catacombs and caves, lit by the glowing crystal spires that grew together from floor and ceiling alongside the walls of the caves.

On the ground, elves walked back and forth, mechanically carrying sacks to and from the great bay where they were summoned to the side of the Great Elf Himself.

Near the ceiling, skeletal catwalks snaked back and forth, connecting the rooms and providing access to the top surface for maintenance.

Skulking along those catwalks were two ninjas, sneaking along as they examined the room below them.

"Hey." Konohamaru whispered, staring down. "Is it just me, or are all those Elves also Edo Tensei zombies, too?"

"Hn." Sasuke grunted. He didn't need to look. He already knew that was the case. Each of the elves below them, expressionlessly carrying out their duties like robots, had the artificial complexion of the zombies of the False World Resurrection. And each was wearing one of those strange black top-hats, rather than the sock-like caps that Elves usually favored.

"We need more information." Konohamaru sourly said, shaking his head.

"Just focus on getting to the main chamber." Sasuke impatiently chided.

"Okay, sheesh." Konohamaru replied in annoyance, speeding up to a jog as he nimbly darted along the catwalk.

They twisted around a corner, coming towards the center room, where the Perceiver Jutsu was used to judge all children as Naughty or Nice.

Santa Claus was there.

Sitting cross-legged, hunched over in place, hands out to his sides.

He was wrapped in chains and seals. Heavy irons strapped him in place, manacles forcing his hands apart and clamping him to the ground, preventing him from moving or forming handseals.

And paper squares marked with the sealing arts were affixed on his limbs, preventing him from molding chakra.

Sasuke jumped down without hesitation, landing in a crouch before Santa Claus without even a whisper.

Even so, the jolly old elf sensed him, cracking an eye open at the approach of the Uchiha.

"Behind you." Santa warned.

Sasuke turned to look over his shoulder, but the sword already pierced through his body, emerging from his chest.

"Ku ku ku." A hunched-over figure laughed, features obscured by heavy robes. "Still too immature."

"Sasuke!" Konohamaru shouted in dismay, landing beside him.

Sasuke's gaze went from the sword to the figure holding it, and his lips tightened.

He burst into crows.

They cawed and cried manically as they spiraled around, twisting in place. With an uncertain shake of his head as he looked back and forth, the cowled figure jumped back and to the side.

His spine twisted unnaturally as he bent his body sideways, dodging the electric scream that wreathed Sasuke's extended hand.

Sasuke grunted in annoyance and relaxed his spear-hand, the crows dissipating into nothingness as he turned to examine the cowled figure. He wished he'd remembered to grab his sword before he'd left.

"Maybe I was a little too dismissive." The cowled figure said with an easy laugh. "You've developed excellently, Sasuke-kun."

"Tch." Sasuke clicked his teeth. "Wait until you've won to gloat." He said with the callously dismissive tone who thought that was completely impossible.

"Now now." The cowled figure said, shaking his head as he raised a scaled hand to wave a finger. "Where's the fun in that?" He said with a laugh. "After all, nothing could stop me now!"

"AN OPENING!"

With a fierce roar, an orange figure descended like a meteor, a blue spiral crashing into the ground and grinding up everything its path.

"Oh my!" The cowled figure said with a laugh. "So impatient, Naruto-kun!"

"Yeah," Naruto said, brushing his hands off as he jumped out of the crater to stand next to Sasuke, "but that 'nothing could stop me now' like was like, the perfect cue, it was just beautiful." He shrugged his neck, smiling with a chuckle. "I couldn't resist such a great setup."

"Hn." Sasuke grunted again, flexing his fingers. "Let's just get this over with."

"Why are you in a hurry?" Naruto said with a scowl. "Is Sakura-chan waiting for you or something?"

"..." Sasuke didn't say anything, but his eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Okay, okay." Naruto said, waving his hands. "We're cool."

"Are you quite done?" The cowled figure said dryly.

"Konohamaru?" Naruto said, turning to the third member of the group. "You got anything to say?"

"Nah, I'm cool too." Konohamaru easily replied.

"Right, let's get this over with." Naruto said. "Orochimaru!"

"Naruto," Konohamaru said, "that's, uh, not Orochimaru."

"Nah." Naruto easily blew him off.

"That's right!" The hunched-over figure said, reaching up with his hands to take hold of his cowl, throwing it back dramatically. "It's me, Kabuto!"

"Who?" Naruto replied with his eyebrows scrunched together.

I I I

"Kabuto, Orochimaru's lackey." Konohamaru explained. "Remember him? He pretended to be a sucky genin for like a decade, and then was like Orochimaru Lite after that?"

"Oh yeah!" Naruto said, triumphantly slamming his fist into his palm, before studying the figure more closely. "The goat horns are new, though."

"Indeed!" Kabuto said, face strained as he struggled to keep an easy smile on his face. "This is a mere side effect of the power I gained by absorbing Krampus!"

"Who?" Konohamaru asked, with a confused expression.

"I dunno." Naruto said with an easy dismissal. "It's probably not important."

"That huge goat monster that attacked Konoha two Christmases ago." Sasuke impatiently added. "Do you have the memories of goldfish?"

"See?" Naruto replied to Konohamaru instead. "Not important."

"You guys!" Kabuto said, stamping the ground with a scowl. "I don't think you understand how much trouble you're in!"

"Seriously," Sasuke said with an annoyed huff, "at least keep track of the recurring villains."

Konohamaru and Naruto traded a long look. Konohamaru made a waving gesture with his hand, and Naruto sighed in resignation.

"Sasuke," he explained with an extremely patient tone, "Kabuto has self-esteem problems, so Konohamaru and I were attacking him psychologically."

"It didn't work!" Kabuto denied with a desperate tone.

"My only question is why." Konohamaru said with a confused expression.

Sasuke turned to scold him for dragging his out, but Naruto caught his eye, jerking his head towards Kabuto with an exasperated expression like Sasuke was a slow learner.

Oh. Sasuke realized, although he grunted sourly because this would just be another hassle.

"Excellent question, Konohamaru-kun!" Kabuto said, laughing more confidently as he prepared to expound on his villainous plan.

He sighed, shaking his head mournfully. "Isn't Christmas a little sad?" He said.

"Lay it on me." Naruto said, rolling his eyes.

"There are many children in difficult situations." Kabuto said with a tutting expression. "In Hidden Sound, or even in Hidden Leaf, who is Santa Claus to pass judgement on whether children have been naughty or nice? That's just oppression that doesn't account for difficult circumstances. On the outside looking in on their experiences, who is Santa Claus to judge them so easily?"

"You were on the Naughtly List, weren't you?" Naruto said with the knowing and disinterested tone of someone who could accurately predict the whole movie from just the first ten minutes, cutting Kabuto off.

"What? No!" Kabuto sputtered.

"Yeah, I mean, don't kids always get Christmas presents no matter what?" Konohamaru said, tilting his head to the side. "I mean, granted there's differences because of income inequality, but that's more of an overarching socioeconomic problem, you know?"

Sasuke stepped forward, eyes narrowed as he grunted with the same sour expression. Since it was Naruto, he supposed he should participate at least a little bit.

"Pathetic." He judged with absolute contempt, scowling down his nose at Kabuto.

"Guh!" Kabuto said, stumbling back and clutching at his chest like he had taken critical damage.

"Whatever." Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "Let's just use the Jet Stream Attack and get this over with."

"Right!" Konohamaru said, clenching a fist in front of himself with a solemn expression.

"The what?" Sasuke asked.

"The Jet Stream Attack." Naruto said, glancing at Sasuke with an odd look on his face. "You know, like the Black Tri-Stars?"

"The who?" Sasuke asked with a suspicious expression. "Are they from Hoshigakure?"

Konohamaru and Naruto traded an amazed expression.

"Even I know what they're talking about, Sasuke-kun." Kabuto said with an amazed and consoling smile.

"All right." Naruto said. "I've decided. You're getting Gundam for Christmas." Naruto solemnly nodded. "On Blue Ray."

"I don't think Sasuke has a Blue Ray player." Konohamaru murmured his objection.

Sasuke sighed as he let go of his frustrations. "I'm going to attack now." He announced, stepping forward.

"Ha ha ha!" Kabuto said. "That volunteer spirit is admirable, but unfortunately, I still have one more trick up my sleeve!"

He flicked through hand seals, and a stone coffin erupted from the ground, blocking the shurinkan that spun out from Sasuke's hand.

"Behold!" Kabuto announced.

The cover of the stone coffin ominously slid open, and a dead man stepped out.

Short and thin, with slumped over shoulders and a short, curly beard, the zombie that emerged had the same artificial complexion as any other Edo Tensei summoning.

In white robes cinched with a rope around his waist, and a long blue shawl marked with crosses over his shoulders, and a battered black silk top hat on his head, the figure that stepped out didn't have an impressive body, but his chakra was heavy and oppressive.

"No sacrifices?" Sasuke said, eyes narrowing as the sharingan spun faster. "That hat..." Yes, Sasuke believed that black top hat, radiating that foul chakra completely separate from the zombie, was the secret of the sacrifice-free summoning.

"Oh no." Naruto groaned. "Is that...?"

"It is!" Kabuto said with a delightful smile as he regained his equilibrium as the Final Boss.

"Nikolaos of Myra." Naruto said with a distraught sigh.

"Saint Nikolaos of-" Kabuto began, trailing off because Naruto had cut him off just like that.

I I I

A blaze of blue-white flared upwards bright as the sun, a cross-shaped explosion of light that burned upwards from the epicenter, a hot blast of air expanding out from around it as it expanded outwards.

"Holy mackerel!" Konohamaru screamed, flung head-over-heels by the blast wave.

Naruto slumped down, standing in a deep crouch with a his teeth clenched as he leaned against the wind. His eyes darted over to where Santa Claus was still chained down, nodding when he met the jolly old elf's eye, before turning his attention back to the challenge in front of them.

Sasuke darted around, arm blazing with the Chidori as he darted in, stabbing forward to pierce the Saint Bishop of Myra.

But the zombie's gaze turned, and Sasuke desperately threw himself to the side to avoid another blazing pillar of light that flared up.

No handseals. Not even any preparation time. Just glance and bam, gigaflare.

"So broken." Naruto muttered. "Right!" He shouted. "Konohamaru!" He pointed. "Just charge in!"

Konohamaru gave him a look like he was crazy, but with a resigned expression shook himself and charged forward.

"Rasengan!" He shouted, charging forward with the spiral sphere in front of him.

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted. "Prep a ranged attack behind me!" Without looking to see whether he would follow, Naruto charged, falling in behind Konohamaru.

Konohamaru screamed in defiance, leaping forward with the Rasengan in front of him.

A blazing pillar erupted, blowing him of course and knocking him away.

Naruto followed, getting closer, holding own attack in front of him like a combined spear and shield. "Oodama Rasengan!" He screamed.

He held his ground, gripping his sphere and gritting his teeth as he used it to wrestle with the blazing light that ignited in front of him.

He could feel Sasuke charging up in the blind spot he'd created, so he relaxed, letting the spiral carry him around and fling him out of the way.

Stepping into the gap right next to the zombie, Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Chidori Nagashi."

Like thousands of arcing needles, the lightning jumped out from him and converged, stabbing into the false copy of Nikolaos and frying him with a thousand currents.

"Ha ha ha!" Kabuto said with a hearty laugh. "It was impressive you managed a Jet Stream Attack under these conditions, but even that isn't enough to defeat the original Saint of Gift Giving!"

"It's you who didn't look deep enough!" Naruto said. "Because, that was just to create an opening!" He triumphantly shouted, pointing at the electrocuted zombie.

Everyone froze, turning to look. Slowly, Nikolaos of Myra stood straight, regenerating as the damage repaired itself due to the implacable nature of those returned by the Edo Tensei.

The zombie turned, facing towards them.

"Are we still waiting for something?" Konohamaru stage-whispered.

"That would have been a really good time for it to work." Naruto admitted with a despondent sigh.

"Hm hm hm!" Kabuto chuckled. "Unfortunately, your attempts to buy time only play into my hands! Like this, the unfair judgement of Christmas will not occur, and every children will receive coal and coal only!"

The ground erupted behind Saint Nikolaos, as he spun in place.

A Naruto jumped from the hole, almost on top of the zombie as he reached out, and batted the top hat off the head of Saint Nikolaos.

Like a puppet with his strings cut, the zombie collapsed to the ground, the hat skittering down to roll around the ground and slowly come to a stop.

"Um." Kabuto replied.

"What the hell!" Naruto shouted, pointing at the one that was standing over the collapsed zombie. "You totally missed your cue!"

"It wasn't my fault!" The other Naruto roared, thrusting his own accusing pointer finger at his counterpart. "I was digging as fast as I could! It's your fault for not giving me enough time to tunnel!"

"Well." Kabuto said, bringing his hands together as he struggled to gain control of the battle. "That is still not the end of my ambition!"

"Yes, it is."

Kabuto tensed as he turned and jumped away, but he was simply too slow.

Hands whipped out, striking at vital points on his torso with savage blows, knocking him back as blood sprayed from his mouth.

"Santa!?" Kabuto rasped. "How!?" His eyes darted over to where Santa had been chained down.

Smiling brightly, Tenten held up the chakra-containing seals she had pulled off Santa Claus.

"Good job honey!" Naruto praised.

"Ho ho ho." Santa laughed darkly, advancing towards Kabuto, cracking his knuckles. "So you thought to replace me, to supplant old Saint Nick. But now you should clearly see, the limits of your petty trick."

Santa Claus glowered down as Kabuto struggled to stand up. "Tell me." He commanded. "Suppressing kindness in the season of giving? Are you really that thick?"

"I can still win!" Kabuto growled.

"No." Santa shook his head and turned away. "You can't even tick."

"What?" Kabuto said, eyes widening as he looked down at his body. "No!" He screamed.

The delayed effect of the Fist of the North Star took effect, and the vital points erupted as Kabuto was destroyed from the inside.

A thin and ghost-like presence emerged, a pale and thin thing like a shadow. "Next time..." it whispered in Kabuto's voice, escaping into the air.

"Hey." Konohamaru said. "Think we should chase after it?"

Naruto rubbed his chin. "I dunno. Near the end I kind of... started feeling sorry for him, you know?"

Sasuke grunted. "That's because you insisted on spending the whole time picking on him instead of just winning properly and getting it over with."

"Oh man," Naruto groaned, "you're starting to sound like Danzo."

Sasuke glared at him, before turning away. "So what now?"

"Well," Naruto began, "I'm probably gonna have to help Santa catch up on deliveries AGAIN," he began, "so I guess you can hitch a ride back with Konohamaru?"

Sasuke glanced back, noting that Naruto was already holding hands with Tenten.

"Whatever." He said with a sigh.

"Konohamaru." Naruto shouted mysteriously. "When the time comes, you'll know what to do."

"I don't get it but okay!" Konohamaru replied without looking over his shoulder, from where he was poking at the top hat with an expression like a child investigating a weird bug.

He wiped his hands off, standing up.

"Okay!" He shouted. "Guess it's a round trip on the Polar Express!"

Sasuke stepped forward as Konohamaru began the handseals.

I I I

The Toad appeared midair in a swirl of space/time jutsu, and landed gamely as it fell the short distance to the flat roof of the building beneath it.

It mouth opened, and Konohamaru hopped out, followed by Sasuke, who had a look of disgust as he wiped away the Toad Spit that coated his sleeves.

"Home sweet home!" Konohamaru shouted.

"Hey." Kakashi said, leaning against the railing on the edge of the roof.

"Sensei." Sasuke replied curtly.

"We fixed everything." Konohamaru said casually.

"Did you now." Kakashi replied casually himself, his one visible eyebrow hitching up slightly as he considered those words. "You know, the Hokage and the jounin council are gonna need a full report."

Konohamaru considered that, before nodding. "Well, actually, Sasuke fixed everything, Tatsu and I were just the bus that gave him a ride." He nodded seriously, before throwing something up. "Have some candy, Tatsu!"

"Candy!" The huge toad cheered, and then his tongue lashed out like a cannon to pluck the spinning piece of chocolate out of the air and slurp it back into his mouth.

When their eyes came down from unconsciously tracking the treat, the two sharingan users saw that Konohamaru was already halfway to the next block in the street below them, brazenly running away.

"I guess it's up to you to give the report, then!" Kakashi said, visible eye curling shut in the only indication of his smile.

Sasuke remembered Naruto's parting words to Konohamaru.

Naruto had set Sasuke up.

'Damn you, Naruto.' Sasuke thought, mouth cinching shut.

Kakashi had pushed off the railing and was already ambling away. "By the way, we got a message from Gaara, so you'll probably have to report on that whole business, too."

"...What?" Sasuke finally asked with a dead voice.

I I I

Naruto sneezed, rubbing his nose as he leaned back against the huge sack of presents in the back of the sleigh.

"Are you okay?" Tenten asked, frowning. "I told you to wear a heavier jacket when it's this cold out."

"Nah, that was probably something else." He agreed easily, adjusting the coat under discussion. It was a bright red, matching the color of his auxiliary red-and-white jumpsuit perfectly, before he reached up to push the brim of his Santa hat again.

"Finally." He muttered, eyes narrowing even as his grin widened. "The best part of Christmas."

"Don't do anything crazy this year." Santa warned.

There was no response.

Santa glanced over his shoulder, eyes sweeping across the back of his sleigh.

They were both gone.

So was the sack of presents.

"Oh no." Santa muttered.

I I I

Cackling madly, Naruto plunged through the sky, cartwheeling crazily around the huge bag he had clutched over his shoulder as they fell towards Hidden Rock.

"You have a plan, right!" Tenten shouted, spinning through the air beside him.

"I'll always catch you, Tenten!" He shouted back.

Hundreds of Kage Bunshin appeared in a column beneath them, catching them individually and slowing their fall, reaching out to throw them upwards.

Individually the Kage Bunshin crashed into the ground or burst into smoke in the sky, like some kind of insane bombardment.

Naruto created a Rasengan to handle the final leg of the descent, and a muffled boom echoed across the whole village as they came to rest.

Then platoons of Kage Bunshin erupted from the crater, leaping outwards in every direction like locusts.

In the historical annals of Hidden Rock, the Second Christmas Invasion had begun.

I I I

Konohamaru whistled a jaunty tune, skipping as he meandered home.

He paused, feeling something watching him.

He glanced around, and shook off the feeling of unease when he didn't see anything.

He picked up the tune again, smiling as the snow began falling around him.

"Konohamaru."

He froze, head slowly turning in place as his neck creaked. "Hanabi." He said. "Hi."

She stepped forward, hair hanging down in front of her eyes in a tangled mass. "It wasn't very nice to run off like that."

"Something important came up." He defended himself, casting around for someone to blame. "Sasuke needed my help."

"It was naughty to leave me alone." Hanabi added in the same dead voice, stepping forward.

"There's one more thing you should know." Konohamaru added.

"Oh?" Hanabi said, head tilting to the side at exactly fifteen degrees.

"Yeah, this." Konohamaru said, as his hands formed a handseal.

The kage bunshin of Konohamaru vanished in a puff of smoke as it cancelled itself.

I I I

"Are you okay, Konohamaru?" Kurenai asked with a concerned look.

"Nah, it's nothing." He said, shaking his head as his eyes focused on his little cousin, smiling broadly. The baby smiled hesitantly back. "I was just thinking I should get Boss something good for Christmas."

"It's a little late for that." She replied dryly, setting a cup of hot cocoa down on the table.

"Um." Hinata spoke up, shifting in place on the couch, "what do you think he would like?"

Konohamaru frowned. "You know, I dunno. Maybe a Gundam model kit, actually?" He shook his head, reaching for a rattle. "I would have thought that Kiba and Shino would be here."

Kurenai shook her head with a look of mild disapproval. "They're still drinking with the Hokage over in the tower."

Konohamaru chuckled, jangling the rattle in front of the baby. "Well, they should have their fun, right? There will be plenty of time to catch up during the big dinner tomorrow."

"I suppose that's true." Kurenai agreed with a smile.

"Do you think Naruto would like to come to that?" Hinata asked.

"Nah," Konohamaru shook his head as the baby grabbed the rattle from him, so he let it go. "He already said he was gonna go to that big potluck the metalworkers run with Tenten and her dad."

The door swung open.

"Tis the season to be jolly!" Kiba announced, stumbling in the door with his hand over Shino's shoulder.

"Falalala la. Lala la. La." Shino added, painfully out of key.

"Camoflage the halls with bits of holly!" Kiba continued, as the two swayed forward.

"Falalalalalla la." Shino continued, frowning as he lost his place. "La la?"

"You two." Kurenai said with an exasperated smile.

"Merry Christmas to all!" Kiba roared.

"Good night." Shino added, collapsing out from under Kiba's shoulder and onto the floor.

Lacking his support, Kiba stumbled towards that side until he found the wall, nearly falling himself when he tripped over Shino. "And to all." He said, before frowning. "Wait, Shino. We got the timing wrong."

"Hey, Shino." Kiba said, leaning down to shake his teammate's shoulder. "You can't let it end like that. Come on."

I I I

**The End**


	7. 2014

**A VERY NARUTO CHRISTMAS (2014)**

**EPISODE VII**

I I I

Christmas eve in Konoha.

"Merry Christmas!" The door swung open, and Naruto smiled outward.

"Merry Christmas!" Tenten replied, holding out the bottle of wine. Naruto accepted it gratefully, stepping back from the door and walking inside. Tenten and her father followed him inside.

Naruto was wearing a bright green sweater with dozens of orange frogs embroidered on it.

Tenten was wearing a bright orange sweater with dozens of green frogs embroidered on it.

Her father was wearing a chain-mail shirt with dozens of bells linked into the chains.

"Come on in!" Naruto said, waving them to follow.

They walked past the couch, where Sasuke was stiffy sitting hunched over, clenching his drink in both hands with his elbows out. He was wearing a black sweatshirt with a silkscreened image of three giant purple robots with a single red, round eye in a cross-shaped face on the front.

Sidled right up next to him was Sakura, delicately holding a glass of wine in one hand. She was wearing a bright pink sweatshirt with abstract, canary-yellow swirls.

Sitting back on the recliner next to them was Danzou, wearing a knit blue sweatshirt embroidered with dozens of Sharingan eyes looking in every direction.

"Back in my day, we knew the importance of a good psychological trauma for developing kinjutsu, but we also knew not to go overboard with them, either!" Danzou pontificated.

"Isn't that interesting, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura enthused next to him.

Sasuke clearly weighed his options before deciding to respond. "Hn."

"Everything good here?" Naruto asked as he walked past, cheerfully ignoring when both Danzou and Sasuke said "no."

He sweapt into the kitchen, where Kakashi and Kiba were awkwardly looking in opposite directions, since they were wearing the exact same sweatshirt, with an image of three wolves howling at the moon on the front of it.

Shino had a sweatshirt with three giant beetles reared back, thrusting their shiny heads up to the exact same moon. His hands were occupied cracking open beers, which he handed to a grateful Kiba and Kakashi before taking a sip of his own.

"You want one too." He said, offering one to Tenten's dad. That wasn't a question, but he was about to follow up with one. "How do I know? Because-"

"Thanks, I appreciate it!" Tenten's father cheerfully reached out and took the beer, knocking it back for a swig, before sighing in appreciation and wiping his lips. "Ah, that was good."

Naruto patted Shino on the shoulder as he reached around the other boy to stick the wine bottle in a pale of ice on the counter next to the fridge.

"Alright," he said, glancing up at Tenten. "Iruka said he was gonna be a little late and I guess Konohamaru hasn't escaped from the Hyuuga clan house yet, and Tsunade hasn't escaped from Shiuzune yet either."

"Okay, I'll go summon the toads then." She said, leaning in to peck him on the cheek, before sidling past him to go out onto the balcony.

"Thanks!" He called after her.

Tenten stepped outside, and slid the door shut behind her. She looked up, casually glancing around as her hands came up to prepare the jutsu. Her hands paused, hesitating as her eyes caught sight of somethone.

Standing above and away from her, on the top of the roof of the building next door, was an ominous man.

Wearing a long black cloak with red clouds, over his face was a swirly orange mask with one eye hole; and on his head was a red Santa hat that clashed horribly with his mask.

Slowly, he raised his hands. "Space-time migration, special technique." He began. "Retcon no jutsu!"

The world changed.

I I I

"Hm." Tenten frowned, slowly lowering her hands and blinking away the spots after the psychedelic light show ended.

Finally she raised her hands again, focusing her chakra. It thrummed inside her in time with her pulse, and right between heartbeats, she performed the jutsu. "Kai."

There was no change.

She opened the door behind her, and stepped inside.

Naruto's apartment was dark, and quiet.

The lights were off. The party decorations weren't up. There wasn't any food on the counter in the kitchen, and now that she looked, most of the furniture was different, more sparse.

There wasn't even a Christmas Tree up.

The toilet flushed.

Tenten whipped her head around, and after the sink water ran, the door opened, and Sasuke walked out, flicking his hands slightly to get the last bits of moisture off them.

He looked up, and paused, his scowl deepening slightly as he met her gaze. His eyes flicked around, and then paused. He activated his Sharingan, and sweeped his gaze around more carefully, cataloging everything in the room.

"Hnn." His grunt was more drawn-out and sincere than usual, as his shoulders slumped in place, before he looked up. "How do you want to handle this?"

"First we need to collect information." She decided. "Meet back here in one hour?" She offered.

Sasuke nodded in satisfaction, sweeping around to turn and walk out the door.

Tenten rubbed the back of her head, before turning around herself and going back outside through the balcony, jumping off the platform and heading off into the night.

"Hey!"

She paused, and turned, landing smoothly. On the ground below her, Kiba and Shino were walking along the road. Kiba waved frantically to get her attention.

Tenten jumped down, to see what they wanted.

"Did you just come out of Naruto's apartment, nya?" Kiba asked a worried question, but Tenten was completely distracted by the pointless sound he stuck on the end of his sentence.

"What?" She finally asked.

"Hinata would kill you if she found out, nya!" He continued with a worried voice.

"Kiba." Shino said from beside him. Tenten noticed that he was holding a huge dispenser of bug spray, and his eyes were darting around them rather than looking at the person he was addressing. "She must be helping Hinata case it out. Why do I know? Because Tenten isn't that crazy."

"That does make sense, nyaa!" Kiba agreed easily.

He had a cat-ear head band. Tenten had just noticed that.

"What?" That's what she decided to respond with.

"And what's with that tacky sweater, nya?" Kiba added.

After an awkward pause, Tenten shook her head slightly. "I... I have to go." She finally decided on, before turning and jumping away.

"Be careful, nya!" Kiba shouted after her. "You know your mom worries when you roof-jump?"

Tenten almost lost her balance as she jumped from one roof to the next. Her mom? She hadn't seen her mother since her parents had gotten divorced when she was a baby.

She skipped from roof to roof, finally coming to rest on her apartment building. She easily dropped down from the roof to the balcony, and opened the door, stepping into her apartment.

It was an unfamiliar room. Instead of being decorated with dozens of kunai and shurinkan and senbon with festively-colored handle-wrappings, the tree was decorated with plush embroidered animal figurines. And none of them were toads!

But something else caught here attention.

"Jiraiya!" She asked, blinking in surprise.

"Ho ho ho!" The bear-like figure, wearing a bright red suit with a wide leather belt, spun in place, the geta on his feet clacking as he raised his head, placing a single finger beside his big warty nose as he winked, the white bon-bon on the end of his red sock-like hat shaking in emphasis.

"Who's this Jiraiya you speak of!" He asked with a voice that was probably supposed to sound mysterious, but instead just sounded cheap. "I'm Santa Claus!"

"No, seriously." Tenten shook her head, before she remembered that there was something even more suspicious than that. "Wait, what are you doing in my house!" She demanded, whipping out a dozen kunai from her belt holster, and pointing them with a shaky expression at Jiraiya. "Again!" She added.

Jiraiya flinched back, raising his hands in an appeasing gesture. "Alright, alright!" He said. "Just... seriously, put those knives away before you hurt yourself again!"

Tenten flicked two at him. He did an awkward jig in place, because if he hadn't moved they would have gone right through the insteps of his feet. For ninjas, that counted as a warning shot.

"Why would I do that!" He demanded. "I'm Santa Claus! I'm here to give you a present, see!" He said, reaching into the sack at his feet and holding out a present like a shield.

It was a safety helmet with a bright red bow taped to the top.

Tenten narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Is that more soft-core bondage gear?"

"What?" He sputtered. "No! What do you take me for, some kind of pervert!?" He demanded with an outraged voice.

Tenten slowly lowered her weapons, letting the incredulous shock seep into her face. "You're not the Jiraiya I know."

"What do you mean by that!?" He demanded. "Oh and I'm not this Jiraiya guy whoever that is! I'm Santa Claus!" He paused, frowning slightly. "Hey, are you okay? Do you maybe have a really bad concussion?"

Tenten sighed. "I need to go meet back up with Sasuke." Considering the time, she needed to get back to their rendevous point.

"Sasuke!?" Jiraiya said, sputtering. "That player? Alright, now I know something is wrong with you."

"I don't even care." Tenten shook her head dismissively, and stepped back out the door.

Jiraiya bit his lip, and finally, after an internal debate, growled in exasperation, before clipping his thumb on his tooth and flicking through handseals, before slapping his hand on the ground.

There was a poof of smoke, and a white snake appeared.

"Yes, Santa Claus?" On the face of it the question was respectful, but it was delivered with enough emphasis that he knew he was being mocked.

Jiraiya grumbled about his Summons not even respecting him. "Hey, let Manda know there's been a delay. I've got to check up on a good little girl that apparently has a serious head injury, so we're going on hold but will have to ramp up later tonight."

The snake bowed. "Yes. Santa Claus." Then it vanished again in another puff of smoke.

"Right." Santa Claus turned, spinning with a grandiose hop as he faced the door. "It's my duty as Santa to look after poor little chickadees, after all!"

I I I

Sasuke walked solemnly down the hall outside the Hokage's office, marching towards the door.

There was a girl standing outside the hallway on guard duty. It was Ami, from his genin class. Sasuke remembered her. Not because he wanted to, though.

When she saw him coming, she pursed her lips and an annoyed expression crossed her face as she turned to confront him. She did a double-take when she saw his sweater, though.

Sasuke activated his Sharingan.

She raised her eyes as her eyebrows came together, and she opened her mouth to tell him off, but the instant her eyes met his, they rolled back in her head and she slumped to the ground.

It wasn't a problem. Sasuke always blamed it on Naruto when he did this, which everyone always believed.

He pushed open the door, and swept inside.

He faltered once he saw who was sitting behind the desk, though.

"Oh! What a surprise to see you here, Sasuke-kun. You look different than usual, too."

Orochimaru smiled at him with a warm and cheerful expression without any malice. It was a genuine kind expression.

Sasuke knew how to handle this. His hands formed the seal. "Kai." He said.

"Oh my?" Orochimaru frowned. "Is something wrong, Sasuke-kun?"

"Hokage-sama!" Kabuto dashed into the room, with a worried expression on his face. "Someone knocked out your jounin bodyguard!"

"Kai." Sasuke tried again, before turning to Kabuto. "By the way, that was Naruto." He casually added.

Both of them gasped at the same time.

"So, once again, he's trying to steal Christmas!" Orochimaru said. "It's good that you told us this, Sasuke-kun! We'll handle it right away!"

Orochimaru jumped out the window, already performing handseals. Kabuto frantically scrambled after him, and they hung in the air for a moment before a giant toad appeared underneath Orochimaru. The two man smoothly landed on it's back, and it began hopping away.

There was a pause, a moment of perfect silence in the Hokage's office.

"Kai." Sasuke tried again, just to be sure.

It didn't work. He was less confident this was Konohamaru getting him and Naruto back for fooling the brat into thinking he'd been frozen in carbonite for a thousand years, and beginning to consider that it was something else.

"Hnn." He considered his options.

Since the window was open, he jumped out, and began hopping across the roofs, back to Naruto's apartment. He frowned as he considered the possibilities.

"Sasuke-kuuun!" He didn't glance down. It was obviously Sakura, although her 'sultry' voice sounded less fake than usual.

He wouldn't admit it, but he sped up to get away.

"Sasuke-kun? Do you not hear me?" Sakura's non-plussed, surprised call followed after him.

Sasuke outright sprinted until he was sure he lost her, before coming to a stop on Naruto's balcony.

He heard something behind him, and turned to look as Tenten jumped the last distance and landed beside him.

"So you figure anything out?" She asked him.

Sasuke debated whether to grunt or answer. Well, she was Naruto's girlfriend after all. "We've been swapped with our 'selves' from a bizzaro-alternate universe parrallel to our own." He nodded, confident that his succinct explination was correct.

Tenten frowned in uncertainty. "Well it matches what I've seen, but that's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?"

"Hn." Sasuke couldn't imagine what else it could be. He paused, frowning at the door. "Someone snuck in since we left." He said. The thin piece of transparent tape he had put on the bottom of the door frame had broken.

"You can tell stuff like that with the Sharingan?" Tenten asked with an incredulous voice.

"Hn." Sasuke wasn't about to deny it.

He slid the door open, and they both darted in, weapons ready for anything.

I I I

Tenten darted down the hall, checking the bathroom and closet while Sasuke inspected the kitchen.

When she threw open the bedroom door, she faltered. Whatever she had expected, this wasn't it.

"Naruto-kun." With a husky voice, Hyuuga Hinata rolled around, laying suggestively on her side, her head tilted up with the smile of a tempress on her lips and her considerable assets ready to spill out of the silky lingerie top she was wearing. Her hand was languidly resting on her hip between a pair of tiny panties and the top of a lacy stocking held up by a garter belt.

There was a frozen instant as the two women took each other in.

"You man-stealing harlot!" Hinata screached. She fluidly whipped around from a sensual pose to a fighting stance, and Tenten barely had time to dodge the blast of chakra shaped like a lion's head that shot from her extended hand, saturated with killing intent.

Tenten dodged backwards, throwing occasional kunai as delaying measures as she retreated back down the hall.

Hinata was absolutely pouring out killing intent, and Tenten skipped to the side as she got to the living room.

"I'll murder you!" Hinata screetched, as she charged straight forward.

Tenten pulled the trigger on her trap. The ultra-fine wires attached to the kunai she had thrown snapped tight as she pulled on them, closing around Hinata and tangling her movements.

"Sasuke!" Tenten shouted. "Come wammy this crazy bint with a genjutsu!"

"You'd even sink that low!" Hinata shouted furious. "I already offered to do a threesome if Naruto wanted!"

That made Sasuke pause, nose wrinkling in disgust, long enough to give Hinata an opening.

"Kaiten!" She shouted, chakra exploding away from her in a spiral, blowing out the windows.

Sasuke and Tenten retreated out the door, crouching in a rest position.

"What the hell was that all about?" Tenten asked.

Sasuke half-heartedly shrugged without looking at her.

A haze of murderous chakra slid out from the ruined apartment like fog, drifting from Hinata as she slowly walked out, scowling up at them with the veins of her Byakugan throbbing.

"Hey!" A familiar and obnoxious voice called behind her. "What the heck are you getting up to!"

Tenten looked over her shoulder, and sighed when Jiraiya, dressed like Santa Claus, landed beside them.

"Oh it's you." Tenten said dismissively.

"Tch." Sasuke clicked his teeth in annoyance.

"You kids definitely aren't getting anything good this year." He said darkly. "And you!" He shouted, pointing at Hinata. "What if you catch a cold! Put a coat on!"

"Murder!" Hinata replied.

"What did you even do?" Santa Claus moaned.

Hinata jumped straight for Tenten, still surrounded by murderous intent.

Tenten flung a fuuma shurinkan at her, and the other girl contemptuously batted it away, lunging forward as another murderous hellcat of chakra emerged from her extended hand.

Tenten just flashed Naruto's signature obnoxious grin as she let the wire on the deflected fuuma shurinkan pull her out of the way.

"Oh geeze!" Santa moaned, leaping aside himself.

Hinata twisted in mid air, torquing her body and preparing another mighty palm thrust, while Tenten smoothly hit the ground and rolled over, coming up with a katana in her hands.

However, they both flinched when a huge explosion went off in the forest to the east of the village, and a tornado suddenly moaned upwards from the explosion to connect with the clouds.

"I found Naruto." Sasuke stated the obvious.

I I I

Naruto reared back, flipping head-over-heels madly through the air when the jutsu collided, desperately catching himself with one extended foot, skidding along another three meters before coming to a halt.

He slammed his other foot down into a fighting stance, and whipped his hand out. His arm was bare, his sweater shredded to nothingness all the way up to his shoulder.

A pulsing orb of chakra formed on his outstretched palm, and the Rasenshurinkan howled as air was sucked into it.

Across from him, the dark-Naruto, who had wisely chosen to wear a leather jacket without any sleeves in the first place, also landed, whipping his own hand out.

Two arms of burning red chakra eagerly burst out of his stomach, reaching around to feed chakra into the Rasengan forming on dark-Naruto's palm, staining it jet-black with the Kyuubi's crazed energies.

"What a good idea." Naruto mumbled to himself. Or rather, both of them simultaneously mumbled the same thing to himself as they stared at the jutsu the other version of himself was creating.

Dark-Naruto was the first one to pick the thread of their previous conversation back up.

"If you're going to advocate utilitarianism, at least have the balls to go full consequentialist!" He shouted.

"Yeah right!" Naruto roared back. "Telling ninjas that the ends justify the means is always a terrible idea!"

"Ha!" Dark Naruto sneered back, as he flung his super-compressed Rasengan at Naruto again. "Like ninjas even understand what ethical utility is in the first place, moron!"

"Also, Menacing Rasengan!" He hurriedly added, wanting to get the name in before it detonated into a humongous explosion of demonic chakra.

"Well I'm not hearing any better ideas out of you, idiot!" Naruto shouted back, throwing his own attack at the other guy.

"Ah, Rasenshuringan!" He hastily shouted, before his own technique could activate.

The spiraling orb of darkness impacted the compressed air whirling in a sphere, and the shockwave that emerged from the condensed evil chakra explosively expanding was once again sucked into the sky by the tornado that spontaneously formed from the updraft.

'So cool', the both childishly thought at the same time.

Naruto shook himself. "So if you have a better plan, let's hear it!"

"That's why we have to unmake everything first!" Dark Naruto shouted in conviction. "It's not just a matter of a coup attempt to replace the current leadership, but a full-blown revolution is needed to update the sociological paradigm!"

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Sounds like something that Akasukai would do." He said with a jeering smile.

"You take that back!" Dark Naruto roared in anger, before forming the cross-shaped seal. "Kage Bunshin!"

Thousands of Dark Naruto popped into being, and each formed a Rasengan before dashing forward in unison.

"Oh yeah!" Naruto cheered, forming his own Kage Bunshin, forming their own Rasengans and charging forward.

The battle was joined.

I I I

"Alright." Pein, Leader of the Akatsukai, addressed the members that had been dragged along. "I've recovered the copies of my bodies from this alternate world, so we can go back now."

The assembled Akatsukai ignored him.

He cleared his throat, assuming they just couldn't hear him over the racket. "I said-"

"We heard you." Black Zetsu said, slightly impatiently, not looking away from his binoculars.

"But it just got to the good part!" White Zetsu enthused.

"So exciting!" Tobi said cheerfully, kicking his legs. He had an old-timey collapsible spyglass pressed against his mask, where his bad eye would have been if he even had an eye hole on that said.

Sometimes Pein really wondered how much of Tobi's dumb act was really an act.

"Right." Pein grunted in annoyance. "Let's get out of here."

"Eeeh!" Tobi and White Zetsu whined in perfect synchronization.

"NOW!" Pein barked.

"All right, all right." Tobi said like a sulking child as he picked himself up.

"Spoilsport." White Zetsu muttered.

Pein ignored them, stalking off into the distance.

Beyond them, it was screaming chaos as two armies of Narutos collided mid-air with hundreds of detonating Rasengans.

"I'll wait until it gets to a boring part." Tobi whispered to Zetsu, both of whom grunted in acknowledgment.

I I I

Naruto breathed raggedly. The wind blew, and the dust that spiraled up obscured his vision. The battle had started in dense woodland, but it was a clearing now, and mostly what danced on the wind was sawdust.

A dozen Dark Naruto Kage Bunshin popped out of the swirling dust, shouting as they formed Rasengans, and Naruto displaced two dozen Kage Bunshins to engage them, overwhelm them, and then counter-attack.

But a dozen kunai rained down, striking each Dark Naruto in a vital spot, whether it was organ, brain pan, or spine.

"Tenten." He said, as she landed beside him.

"Naruto, what's going on?" She asked, eyes scanning around them. "Sasuke and I got pulled in too."

"Eh? You did?" Naruto said, surprised. "I dunno, I've just been talking with my alternate self. You know, hanging out."

Tenten surveyed the destruction with a meaningful look.

"Come ooon!" He whined. "Of course we're testing our best jutsu at the same time!"

Across from them, a pillar of blue chakra swirled, and the dust was blown away with a kaiten.

"So, Light Naruto." Dark Naruto called out. "It seems we are at an impasse, but I think we can all see how I'm superior after all!"

With that, Dark Naruto cackled madly, reaching out to pull a voluptuous Hinata wearing only lingerie against his side.

Hinata smirked at Tenten.

Tenten grit her teeth.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto shouted, reaching out to his own side.

"Naruto." Tenten said in a dark voice. "Don't make this into that kind of fight."

Naruto smoothly recovered. "Well, I have something else. I also have the power of friendshi-"

Before he could finish, Dark Naruto was cut down from behind as a chidori exploded through him.

"Dude!" Naruto shouted, whipping his hand up. "Wait until I'm done giving you your cue, don't cut me off!"

"Hnn." Sasuke grunted sourly, and then his eyes widened as he ducked to the side as a murderous lion of chakra tried to rip off his head.

"Die scum!" Hinata roared.

Sasuke sighed. "Seriously, it was just a Kage Bunshin."

Dark Naruto popped out of the ground, and raised an accusing finger at Sasuke. "What if I hadn't used kawarimi to swap! I would be dead right now!"

Sasuke ducked under another killing blow from Hinata and stared at Dark Naruto like he was a huge idiot as he gestured vaguely at the tremendous destruction that surrounded them.

Naruto sighed, and opened his mouth to talk.

But the world wavered, and with a snap, he was squeezed into a swirling rainbow vortex, dragging Tenten along with him. As he vanished, he was relieved to see that Sasuke was dragged along as well.

"Everybody okay?" Naruto called out.

Tenten grunted, pushing off his chest, and he let her slide out from under his arm.

"Hn."

That meant Sasuke was just fine too.

"Right, let's head back." Naruto said, slapping his hands together and then brushing off his pants.

Tenten sighed. "So what happened?"

"No idea." Naruto said cheerfully.

"And you aren't curious at all?" Tenten demanded.

Sasuke grunted. "With Naruto, it's usually not worth figuring out."

Naruto pouted, but didn't deny it. "Whatever, let's get back to the party."

Tenten sighed and let it go. "Lets."

Sasuke grunted, pausing to pull off the dirty sweater, revealing that he was wearing another copy of the exact same sweater beneath the first one.

Tenten didn't even bother questioning that.

"If we hurry, we can make it in time for cake!" Naruto said, excited.

I I I

Naruto opened his door, and walked into his apartment, holding hands with Tenten.

Danzou was sleeping in the recliner, his hands folded over his stomach as he snored lightly.

Naruto walked past him, Tenten following along easily.

When they got to the kitchen, Kiba was passed out face-down on the table, while Shino and Tsunade stared at each other with bleery, red eyes. At least, Tsunade's eyes were rough-looking. Shino was still wearing his glasses, so it was hard to tell.

Together, they both raised their shot glasses, and pounded down whatever was inside in one smooth gulp, before slamming them back to the table.

"You're late." Kakashi said dryly.

"We were gone like two hours. How much have they had to drink!?" Naruto incredulously demanded.

"I lost count." Kakashi honestly replied.

"Konohamaru here yet?" Naruto said, looking around.

"Came and left." Kakashi said. "Hanabi tracked him here, so he's hanging with his team now, I think."

"Cool, cool." Naruto said, slowly.

In front of them, Shino's head rolled up, and then he bonelessly slumped forward until his face smacked against the table.

"Alright!" Tsunade cheered, thrusting her arms straight up, making the large sweater kittens embroidered on her sweater dance back and forth. "Still got it."

"Tch." Sasuke expressed his own opinion.

"Oh, Sasuke." Sakura said in a breathy voice, walking into the kitchen as well, lacing her arms around his comfortably. "That... was amazing."

Naruto met Tenten's eyes, and they both shrugged.

Sasuke didn't hesitate. "Sakura." He said, and she looked up to meet his eyes.

"Sharingan." He announced, and she slumped bonelessly down, collapsing towards the floor. Sasuke caught her before she could impact.

"Oh, so you do care." Kakashi responded, amused.

Sasuke didn't dignify that with a response, turning and walking away.

They could hear the door slam behind him, though, so it wasn't like it hadn't gotten to them.

Kakashi sighed. "Well, I'm just glad whatever that space-time jutsu was ended."

"Yeah." Naruto agreed. "It was one of the best presents ever."

"What?" Tenten asked, frowning at him.

"Yeah! It was amazing! I got to have a battle debate with an alternate version of me that was evil! I can't wait to figure out who's awesome present THAT was!" Naruto enthused, before frowning slightly. "Also, remind me to talk to... a guy... about a totally cool jutsu idea I got!"

Tenten sighed, shaking her head slowly.

"Well, I'm going to go hide from Gai." Kakashi cheerfully admitted, before disappearing in a swirl of shunshin.

"Urp." In front of them, Tsunade slumped forward, joining the other two passed out on the table already.

Naruto grunted, before he reached into the fridge, pulling out a pitcher of water to put in the center of the table, and then getting three cups from the cupboard to stack up.

"I guess the party is a bust." Naruto said with a sigh.

Tsunade punctuated that by starting to snore.

Tenten paused. "You want to come over to my place for the rest o the night?" She quietly asked. "...I'll make you breakfast, too."

Naruto smiled at her. "Yeah, I'd like that."

He took her hand, and the walked out to the balcony to hop away into the night.

I I I

The swirling vortex collapsed, leaving only empty spaces where people had stood before.

Naruto slowly lowered his hand from where he had been pointing at the strange, alternate version of Sasuke, that had been serious even wearing such a stupid sweater. "Huh." He said, confused.

Naruto glanced over, flicking his black hair out of his eyes. The spot where the Light Naruto version of himself had stood was gone, too.

"Hey!" Jiraiya landed with a clatter, flanked by two huge snakes. "Is Tenten around!? I think she has brain damage!"

"Santa Claus." Naruto said, smiling darkly, shaking off his confusion as he re-focused on his original goal. "For you to come directly to me, how convenient."

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked, confused.

"I'm going to steal Christmas, and then remake it according to my own opinions." Naruto explained quickly, without taking his eyes off his prey as he stood up.

Hinata tapped her lips as she considered it. "Well, okay!" She said, brightly, before turning to also threaten Jiraiya with a fighting stance.

Santa Claus grit his teeth, retreating a step.

That was when a humongous toad slammed down on top of Naruto's position.

"Ku ku ku." Orochimaru laughed. "I see I'm just in time to stop you! Naruto-kun!"

The fight lasted three more hours, but that's the story of how Orochimaru (alternate) saved Christmas.

I I I

**The End**


End file.
